For being insanely irritated by my step son?

[Grinty1]

He's 12. Pulls a strop if I don't let him push the pram/feed the baby/carry the baby. Pulls a full blown tantrum if I respectfully ask him not to interupt me when I'm talking to another adult. He constantly tries to undermine me in front of others. He criticises my parenting- exaggerating the danger my baby is in to suggest I'm not taking care of her (for example when I'm feeding her, he'll tell me the pieces of food are too large and she'll choke, if she's crawling around on the floor and I'm watching her and allowing her to explore/deliberately not disturbing her, he'll suggest I'm putting her in harms way). I'll ask my husband a question about the news or politics or his job (or anything really) and my step son will answer adament he is correct (he claimed to know the names of some random small ferry boats we passed today for example). He'd look at my belly and ask me if I'm pregnant. When I asked him to stop doing this, he started insinuating how difficult it would be for us to have another child and how he doesn't want another sibling.

As an example, we went out for breakfast recently. He complained about the menu. He complained about the food he'd ordered. I asked him to get me a bottle of milk from a cooler bag which he did. But then he stood up, took the lid off, started walking around the table to feed fhe baby. When I told him there was no need and he could just pass me the bottle, he complained. I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate. He complained when I asked him to stop. My baby had dropped a toy onto the floor. I gave it a wipe down with a wet wipe and returned it to her. He suggested I was being careless.

I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere. But the other stuff is making me want to tear my hair out and scream every single day.

Is this normal tween behaviour? AIBU?

This sounds supremely irritating. I would pull your husband up on his failure to deal with his son’s poor behaviour. He is 12 not 5.

He sounds anxious and needing attention. Has he noticed that the baby gets the attention he's craving ? He needs one to one time with his DF where he can be the focus. Watch out for his anxieties they can lead to a lifetime of mental health problems. I think he needs to feel secure in his place, loved and with his role in the family clearly defined and supported. It sounds really irritating and you're probably tired with a younger DC but helping him at this point could save a whole heap of issues later on.

Jesus, that sounds horrendous. On a scale of one to fucking pointless, how useless is his dad at pulling him up on all of this?

I don't think she dislikes the boy. The OP just sounds totally fed up a 12 y.o.is undermining her parenting, always interfering in any conversation with her husband wanting to be right in his opinion and literally being an arsehole even if he's a 12 y.o.

You better read in full the OP post.

I think like previous poster maybe on spectrum too as they are not the usual things a 12 year old boy would say or do. Just a suggestion to think about.

I did, and I think you misunderstood what I said. Op clearly needs to look into the reasons for the behavior and a specialist can suggest copying strategies for the child and her. If she can't be arsed then she only had herself to blame to be annoyed until her relationship with the dad falls apart. Priorities.

It sounds like he’s trying to create a new role for himself in the family because he’s no longer the cute kid. He wants to be useful but he’s choosing ‘authoritative helping’ rather than ‘helpful helping’. I’m probably a soft touch but I would play along with it and make him feel important for a little while. It’s kind of nice he’s examining the size of the baby’s food, I’d say thinks for keeping an eye on things 🤣

I don’t actually see annoying behaviour in many of the examples given… why can’t he push the pram/carry the baby/feed the baby (if you let other people feed the baby that is)? Why are you not welcoming help where it is offered and modelling fatherhood for a young boy?

when he comments about food or safety- can’t you reframe that as him showing concern? Ask him if he is worried about baby and thank him for his concern but reassure him that baby led weaning is safe and explain about the gag reflex etc or that crawling and coming into contact with normal everyday dirt actually helps prime the immune system. But take it from a position of him being concerned rather than annoying?

I agree interrupting isn’t great- but he’s young and he’s maybe embarrassed if you pull him up on it in front of others. So maybe before people are visiting, just remind him if he’d like to speak to you or them can he wait for a space to speak or say “excuse me”? Again start from -“I know you have good manners and know not to interrupt but sometimes you forget” rather than shaming him.

The example at the breakfast again was you seeing annoying things where I saw helpful- you asked him to get the bottle, let him feed baby and appreciate a hands free breakfast (although does baby need held for a bottle if they are eating solids?) and the honey, again is helping? But you see annoying.

I think you are being harsh on him, and expecting a lot from a little lad whose life has had a pretty huge change recently!

some of the behaviour is bad manners but if the other points he makes are accurate then it reminds me of Marcus from the tv series called spy with robert lindsley

Exactly.
Even though I would never get in such a situation.

He sounds insufferable op. No not poor kid he’s 12 not 5, and is being a bloody rude little know it all. Is he like this with other (specifically male) adults, OP? I bet he isn’t. I would bollock him and put him in his place every time if his dads refusing to.

DSC was like this with DC - was like she was in a battle with me to get in there first, always. She would run from her side of the car to get DC first, then glare pointedly at me. Also going home and telling her DM that DC was sick and we weren’t doing anything about it etc. The other DSC would be ‘permitted’ 5 mins with DC then DSC1 had to have her back. If an adult took the baby she’d have a strop and stop talking for the rest of the day.

She’s since been diagnosed with ASD.

Just make sure you assert your boundaries, I also used to get out of the house with DC when they were around as much as possible.

Edit** when DH finally stepped in and made sure she wasn’t taking over, she completely rejected DC. Still does.

Sympathies, OP. Tbh I would never be in a stepparent situation had I known what I was walking into.

And also in response to @Andwegoroundagain and @BackForABit

I think this is my fault.. he has asked me in the past if he can feed her, and when we started adding textures I was anxious about choking so I tried to explain to my step son about the risk of choking.

The other stuff I'm not entirely sure. He can handle her quite roughly and I'd prefer her just to roam around (safely) exploring without being interupted. He has a tenancy to sit on the floor with her and get her to climb on top of him/try and play wrestle her etc. I try not to intervene everytime.

He is very involved and he's great with the baby usually. She still contact naps during the day and I let him nap with her often. He's also bottle fed her. He pushes the pram on most outings, but if it's busy, or up hill, or difficult terrain I prefer myself or my husband to do it. Again he carries her around when we move her from the car into her pram for example but again if his laces are undone or his shoes aren't on properly I try and explain to him why it would be safer to allow me or.my husband to do it.

You sound very pfb OP and I think your SS is jealous and trying to be helpful to gain some of your attention.

Cut the kid some slack

Oh gosh my step son does exactly this! Runs to open the door to take the baby out! He's bumped her head on the car door frame a few times taking her out, but I try not to make a deal of it everytime. Recently his shoes were not on properly and laces were undone so I told him that I would take her out of the car seat and into the house. He was very unhappy about this.

Sounds similar. And absolutely everyone in your DH’s family is falling over themselves to tell you how ‘lovely’ it is that DSC is so obsessed with DC, gaslighting you that you have any concerns.

Years later, DH’s family have admitted they could see troubling things. I’ve learned to trust my gut, other people have too many divided loyalties.

Re my husband. Thankfully he does back me up. Together we've tried numerous approaches- the talking to him as an adult calmly trying to get him to understand reasons for saying no for example, to being more stern and assertive. It's been a struggle for us both but we're on the same page!

Yes step son is with us full time. I actually care for him a lot. Husband works and I do the parenting until he's back from work. We've spent the holidays doing fun stuff together and with the baby. He also spends a lot of 1 on 1 time with his dad doing sports al least 4 times a week.

You have not said if you or your husband looked into a ASD diagnosis or read up about it as he shows so many behaviours (even more in oyur consecutoive posts) that fit into the spectrum somehow.
Your OP about the child was actually pretty horrible to read.

I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate.

He took what you said literally and tried to help. What an idiot, right. How dare he.

To me it seems he is desperately trying to fit in but he's an inconvenience to you.
It's very clear your step son struggles a lot and not sure you actually understand nor care about where his behaviours stem from. What is he like in school? What are his friendships like?

You are trying to be consistent but there may be times he wont understand what you are actually trying to do or why. So 'being on the same page' when you do something he does not understand will nnot help him manage his behaviour at all and he will just grow more and more frustrated, and so will you.

Do you normally run away from relationships because a 12 year old said something you didn't like?

Totally agree.

I can relate to this so much. My husband agrees on the most part thankfully, but occasionally has lapses where he claims my step son is just trying to be helpful.

I do often worry about ND. He's very absent minded and careless (wrt hygiene, schooling) but simultaneously can be very observant (to the point of obsession) about other things.

I can totally relate with your earlier comment about knowing what we've let ourselves in for wrt step parenting. I entered this naively, and I do sometimes imagine how much easier my life would be had I married a man without a child (even though I must say I love and care for them both).

Poor kid. Reminds me of that Pingu cartoon when the baby penguin is born and Pingu acts up trying to get attention from his mum.

Make him feel involved, secure and wanted rather than seeing everything the poor boy does as an attack on your parenting.

My 11 year old has anxiety - my SIL is currently pregnant and often he’ll ask questions about if she’s eaten rare meat or drank alcohol and I can see how it is massively annoying but it is driven by anxiety about something happening to the baby. Luckily SIL is very understanding about his anxiety.

I have spoken to him about (and will continue to speak to him about) appropriate conversations and managing his anxiety in different ways.

Your DH needs to speak to him about figure out what is driving his behaviour.

It sounds annoying but understandable for a child trying to cope with the arrival of a new half sibling.