For being insanely irritated by my step son?

[Grinty1]

He's 12. Pulls a strop if I don't let him push the pram/feed the baby/carry the baby. Pulls a full blown tantrum if I respectfully ask him not to interupt me when I'm talking to another adult. He constantly tries to undermine me in front of others. He criticises my parenting- exaggerating the danger my baby is in to suggest I'm not taking care of her (for example when I'm feeding her, he'll tell me the pieces of food are too large and she'll choke, if she's crawling around on the floor and I'm watching her and allowing her to explore/deliberately not disturbing her, he'll suggest I'm putting her in harms way). I'll ask my husband a question about the news or politics or his job (or anything really) and my step son will answer adament he is correct (he claimed to know the names of some random small ferry boats we passed today for example). He'd look at my belly and ask me if I'm pregnant. When I asked him to stop doing this, he started insinuating how difficult it would be for us to have another child and how he doesn't want another sibling.

As an example, we went out for breakfast recently. He complained about the menu. He complained about the food he'd ordered. I asked him to get me a bottle of milk from a cooler bag which he did. But then he stood up, took the lid off, started walking around the table to feed fhe baby. When I told him there was no need and he could just pass me the bottle, he complained. I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate. He complained when I asked him to stop. My baby had dropped a toy onto the floor. I gave it a wipe down with a wet wipe and returned it to her. He suggested I was being careless.

I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere. But the other stuff is making me want to tear my hair out and scream every single day.

Is this normal tween behaviour? AIBU?

I have a 12 year old. His shoe laces are undone. Always. Seconds after tying them. And they do like being right. It's pre-teens for you. Yours sounds both annoying and very sweet.
See he's getting mixed messages. He's been asked to do quite grown up things like oversee a contact nap. But not push a buggy up hill.
The honey incident is clumsy but he's trying to help.
He sounds like a boy desperately trying to help and to be a big brother at the same time that hormones are coursing through him.
Also, I assume his biological mother isn't in the picture? Seeing his half sibling with their own mother will also bring up complicated feelings for him. This is why he's trying to ask in an anxious way if there will be another sibling to push him further down the pecking order.

Sorry if I've missed this elsewhere in the thread but a couple of things jump out:

1. Potential neurodiversity. Seek support now from school as you don't want that to end in crisis during gcse years etc if he remains undiagnosed.
2. More important: where is his mum in this? You say he's with you full time. Why? I wonder if he's seeking to replace the mothering he has lost in his left by becoming a mother to his DS, who I'm sure he loves deeply. If he's been through extreme trauma related to his mother (bereavement, or an abusive mum) then it makes sense that this will play out in his treatment of a very young sibling.

*in his life

Kids talking over adults is infuriating but it happens, as does being convinced they are right on everything (far more a teen thing though)... My kids definitely do it and I remember being told off for it as a kid too.

My teen rudely makes comments about 'not wanting more siblings' as if he gets any say in our adult fertility choices. I think once again its the pre-teen/need need to think they are right and the world revolves around their opinion.

While rude the above can fall in the category of 'normal'.

Most of it though sounds like some kind of unhinged anxiety, maybe speak to a doctor about his constant fear that his sibling isn't safe.

I mean little kids closer in age can worry a bit like following a baby sibling around, telling other kids their age to be careful with their 'baby brother/sister' or announcing they are doing something they think they shouldn't (more taddling on them because they want to feel they are grown and the baby is a baby who 'isn't allowed' to do the same things) but it sounds more extreme than that and a pre-teen is a bit old for that.

The honey/toast thing sound really bizarre though.

I can't say if this is normal behaviour, but it certainly isn't typical for boys that age. I agree with @LostittoBostik on both counts.

I think if you can, family counselling and/or an assessment for him would be helpful, at least before getting into a big disciplinary struggle. It sounds like he's quite anxious, at a minimum. How does he get on socially with other kids his age?

I get that some of this stuff might be annoying at a time of a stress - but ultimately you need to remember that a 12 year old is not a mini adult, they are a child, and this one largely seems well intentioned and very caring towards his half sibling which is great. He needs parenting not blaming - and if you find the burden hard I’m sorry but it was your choice, not his, for you to become his step parent and you are the grown up. If you don’t think you understood what that choice meant that is your fault, not his, and you should try and find some empathy for how disrupted his life must have been at a delicate age and frankly he sounds like he is doing quite a lot of lovely things despite that. I get you’ve had lots of other people tell you how annoying it must be and affirm that belief but i think the danger is you massively take wrong end of the stick here from this - you are a responsible adult who chose to be a parental figure in a vulnerable kids life, you need to start trying to at least think about his feelings before your own.

The honey incident maybe he thought it would be helpful. It's hard to know

No, it's not being "helpful". You don't mess with other people's food plates.

He knows that perfectly well at his age.

He sounds so irritating. Why can't you tell him off?

Thanks for your responses.

We've discussed briefly potential ND but wouldn't know where to start with an assessment etc. This also must come from his father and not myself- I'm not sure if my husband would be immediately forthcoming about investigation of ASD at the moment.

Perhaps this wasn't the best place to post. I'm an wits end sometimes- sleep deprived and tired, and posted following a a few days away which were at times lovely, other times unbearable.

He's a lovely kid, who is well looked after by myself and my husband. He's privately educated, takes part in lots of extra curricular activities, lots of 1 on 1 time with dad. Doesn't want for anything. My entire days this summer holidays have been planned around he fancies doing, and I just drag myself and baby along (willingly - much easier to manage them both outside the house!).

Mum doesn't see him, but showers him with expensive gifts and promises him the world- but that's another thread entirely.

Thanks again for all your input

You sound like you're trying really hard. Raising kids is tough at the best of times and I can only imagine that having two of very different ages in a blended family situation is even harder.

With all respect, I don't think this is a separate thread- from an outside perspective, I can see so much in there that could help explain his behaviour. I think if you come down hard on it, things might get worse and suspect that finding some counselling/therapy might save you all a lot of grief in the long run.

Mum doesn't see him, but showers him with expensive gifts and promises him the world- but that's another thread entirely.

I know I don't have to live with him, but the more you write the more I think he sounds lovely, but extremely insecure and desperate to win your approval.

Any progress you can make towards him feeling more secure will pay dividends in the teenage years, and help him spread his wings with friendships etc.

Sounds as if he doesn't like you. All behaviour is communication and you and your DH should be trying to figure out what's up.

Could you spend some one on one time with him? Doesn't have to be fancy, it could be as simple as taking him for a drive-thru McFlurry after the baby is in bed or playing a card game with him or baking together. If he is anxious about having a new sibling it could go towards helping him feel more secure. If his mum isn't particularly involved beyond sending gifts then, like as not, you're the main female figure in his life and it's possible he does have anxieties that he's no longer special to you now that you have "your own" baby.

Depending how old he was when his parents separated, he's probably also got anxieties about the family falling apart because he's seen it happen before after he himself arrived in his parents relationship. Hyper-awareness of whether or not the baby is safe, trying to be overly helpful (albeit in a misdirected way) and trying to be a mini-adult can all be signs of him working hard to do what he thinks is needed to hold the family together.

I would have said the opposite

No idea where you got the idea he dislikes her from

Pulling strops and tantrums at her requests, undermining her, criticising her, digs at her physical appearance – anything she listed in which the child attempts to make her feel bad or make her life more difficult … strange to have 'no idea' where I'd get that from.

Whether this behaviour is coming from REAL dislike or feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy or fear of some kind – that's the question.

He is probably struggling with the loss of his mom and fearing he is losing you now too.

He is hyper aware of the baby and being helpful as a way to ensure you need him. If you need him, he can't be replaced.

He's obviously had some trauma and needs some support.

Having a mom who doesn't see him and manipulates him by promising him the world and not delivering is emotionally abusive.

He's scared of losing you and your love and attention.

Try reframing it as him looking for reassurance not trying to be annoying.

"I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere."

That might be normal behaviour for some brats - but it needs to stop.
Don't accept it, & tell him to shut up when he says something unreasonable.

Better still, his Father should be correcting him.

Don't accept it, & tell him to shut up

I hope you don't have children.

There are a million ways to tactfully tell a child to "shut up" without telling them to shut up. I also hope you're not directly involved with children.

My entire days this summer holidays have been planned around he fancies doing, and I just drag myself and baby along (willingly - much easier to manage them both outside the house!).

Has his dad not taken any time off to spend with him/you over the summer.

Also, I’d recommend holiday clubs to socialise with children his own age/burn energy etc so you’re not left doing everything every day.

How old is your baby? I'm not a step mum but I've noticed a theme on these threads that step mums seem to find their step children intolerable once they have a baby of their own.

Did it drive you mad before you had a baby? I found the first year after my baby was born, my tolerance for SDC was at an all time low and everything bothered me a million times more than it did before. That being said, he sounds incredibly annoying so not undermining your feelings are justified but just putting it out there that hormones played a large part in how I felt, which has eased off considerably now 2.5 years later (although they are of course still annoying at times!)

Could your stepson be neuro diverse?

Regardless, I imagine he is unsettled with having a new sibling and having to "share" his time with Dad. It's a big adjustment at 12 years old.

It also sounds like he could benefit from some one to one time with Dad alone.

A lot of what you have described is normal 12 year old boy behaviour too (mum of 3 boys here).

He does sports with his dad at least 4 times a week, and I take him to the park during the day where he plays football with some friends at least once a week.

Dad hasn't had too much time off, but spends most evenings 1 on 1 with him at the moment.