For being insanely irritated by my step son?

[Grinty1]

He's 12. Pulls a strop if I don't let him push the pram/feed the baby/carry the baby. Pulls a full blown tantrum if I respectfully ask him not to interupt me when I'm talking to another adult. He constantly tries to undermine me in front of others. He criticises my parenting- exaggerating the danger my baby is in to suggest I'm not taking care of her (for example when I'm feeding her, he'll tell me the pieces of food are too large and she'll choke, if she's crawling around on the floor and I'm watching her and allowing her to explore/deliberately not disturbing her, he'll suggest I'm putting her in harms way). I'll ask my husband a question about the news or politics or his job (or anything really) and my step son will answer adament he is correct (he claimed to know the names of some random small ferry boats we passed today for example). He'd look at my belly and ask me if I'm pregnant. When I asked him to stop doing this, he started insinuating how difficult it would be for us to have another child and how he doesn't want another sibling.

As an example, we went out for breakfast recently. He complained about the menu. He complained about the food he'd ordered. I asked him to get me a bottle of milk from a cooler bag which he did. But then he stood up, took the lid off, started walking around the table to feed fhe baby. When I told him there was no need and he could just pass me the bottle, he complained. I mentioned to my husband I wanted to try honey on my sourdough. My step son grabbed the little bowl of honey and proceeded to pour it on a random piece of bread on my plate. He complained when I asked him to stop. My baby had dropped a toy onto the floor. I gave it a wipe down with a wet wipe and returned it to her. He suggested I was being careless.

I've been able to accept the usual boy behaviours like never using deodorant, rewearing dirty clothes, picking his toenails in the living room where the baby crawls around, never tidying his room, leaving his food wrappers and dirty plates everywhere. But the other stuff is making me want to tear my hair out and scream every single day.

Is this normal tween behaviour? AIBU?

Was irritated by his behaviour before the baby but I think I reached a stage of tolerating it and managing. Baby has probably made things a little trickier you're right.

I honestly agree with PP who have suggested neurodiversity.

Not that it makes it easier for you, of course.

But he seems quite rigid in how he thinks things should be done.

Many thanks for this.

Re ND- something that we've considered albeit briefly, and have not actioned as yet.

Re mum- this is the main thing that stops me from losing my temper with him. Since I've been in his life I can see how difficult he has tried to rationalise his mum not being here. Like many step children, he's very suspicious (even about something as small as why I moved his shoes from the hallway to the shoe rack but not his fathers) and not trusting, which makes things difficult. But I appreciate he did not choose to be in this situation and me and my husband are really trying our best.

To me, it sounds like he's a dickhead.

OP, you or preferably your husband, need to have stern words with him. This would annoy the shit out of me.

Had he ever been around babies before you had yours - maybe a younger sibling via his mother or the child of a relative or family friend? You explained about the fear of the baby choking, but some of his other "advice" sounds like he's maybe drawing on some past experience or knowledge but at his age doesn't have the context that there are lots of different but still good/safe ways to parent and not everyone does everything the exact same way.

One tiny thing - when he asks to do something like carry the baby but his shoelaces are untied, then instead of taking the baby yourself could you (and/or his dad, whoever's there) "remind" him to tie his laces securely and double check them, and then he can take the baby? And then wait for him as he does it. Similar thing if he wants to play with the baby on the floor but he's left clippings/rubbish, or if his hands are dirty, etc. That way he might understand better why you're initially saying no, plus begin to understand a bit why some good habits are genuinely important, not just adults being arbitrary. And just in case he's taking criticism harshly (feeling he's being told he's messy, dirty, untidy, etc.) he can see some of the things not his "fault" in any huge, important way - anyone's shoe laces can come untied - and are very easy to fix.

Its no more or less useful than other posts.
Why are people horrified at the reminder to consider neurodiversity? To consider that a childs unusual behaviours might be to do with a social and communication disorder.
Its hardly a rare or exotic thing.

Saying that, kids are annoying. Other people's kids are even more annoying.

New baby is number one cliché time for a stepparent to become mega critical of their stepkids.
He is likely unsettled as to his place in the family.

@OfficerChurlish

You’re not the only poster suggesting he be appeased in this way by any means but I simply do not understand it. He is 12, the baby is not a doll. Ultimately it doesn’t matter if he wants to carry/feed/whatever the baby, if an adult tells him no, that is the end of the conversation.

I think he'd on edge as he can't do right for being wrong!

But op I also remember finding everyone around me stupid and irritating when I had a small baby everyone trying to help seemed to do the wrong thing and annoy me.

Your DH should talk to him and reassure him

But he's not being willfully bad he's just annoying her with his trying to help

I agree

To me it sounds someone else, but not the kid, is a dickhead here.

Just to clarify because I have responded to this before. He is very very involved with the baby. She contact naps on him, he used to bottle feed her (she's old enough to hold the bottle herself now), pushes the pram most days we're out, carries her up and down the stairs, to and from the car. I deliberately overlook many things because I do not wish to get in the way of them bonding, but also to give sense of responsibility and help build his confidence and independence. It generally works well, but there are times most days where my patience is tested by little things he does. Latest example is yesterday evening when baby was sitting on my lap, tired but not ready go sleep. I had a bottle ready on the side table which she didn't want. So we were just cuddling while I chatted to my husband and step son. On the way back to his spot on the sofa, my step son picks up the bottle, removes the lid and rams the bottle into baby's mouth. I calmly explained that the bottle was near me and I didn't need anyone to feed her while I held her. I asked him if he understood and he nodded and sat back down.

Why are you on MN? Talk to his Dad.

What a deeply nasty and unpleasant person you seem to be.

"Like many step children, he's very suspicious (even about something as small as why I moved his shoes from the hallway to the shoe rack but not his fathers) and not trusting, which makes things difficult."

It would be SO much kinder if you could reframe this. What a negative, unsympathetic spin on a child who has had significant trauma. His reaction to the baby looks like a desperate attempt to win your approval.

Get him therapy. Help him redefine his role in the family as something other than caregiver to your child. Be aware that mums of babies often have a "mother hen" reaction to people around their baby, and that can make you massively oversensitive to any of his perceived misdemeanors. Nails down chalkboard kind of sensitive. And this is not his fault or responsibility.

OP, it sounds very very difficult and you are doing your best.
However, he doesn't come ahead of your own child, her comfort and safety.
I would be very upset at his ramming a bottle into her mouth.
Very upset.
Your husband needs to be around more.
Yes life would be far easier had you chosen a man without children that you have ended up doing the majority for.
You will bitterly regret his behaviour understandably stressing you and spoiling this time with your baby.

You have every right to assert yourself firmly.
Can you head off to family on your own for a week with the baby?
Do it and let your husband take over for a bit.
You will have huge regrets if you don't protect yourself and your baby and this special time together.

I think it’s the age old DH problem - he needs to pull him up on this behaviour, but also he needs to be managing his son’s feelings over the transition to having a sibling etc.

The stuff you’ve referred to as normal boy behaviours also strikes me as not normal either - all things your dh should be handling.

Trauma can look like ND, just to say.

But ND doesn't jump out at me, what does is an insecure and probably v sensitive/self-critical child at a wobbly enough age. Firm ground rules need to be laid down. Keep it simple: eg when I'm talking to someone else, when he hears no - empathy but clear expectations. Be consistent.

I wouldn't be prickly around his concerns as you're the adult and I'm presuming secure in your own actions, I'd be more musing with him on these things and explaining your reasoning. He's old enough to have goo chats about these things and sounds like he's interested and wants to be involved.

You give me him lots of your time and maybe you have plenty of little in jokes and fun times, these are so important and will sustain him. Criticism and shaming won't help.

I have a 12yo, yes plates will be left and he will smell if I don't consistently and calmly remind but good habits are being set and the reminders are lessening now. Just a few basic things, again to be consistent about.

I'm surprised pp are saying the hygiene and untidiness isn't normal as all the mums of our dc are mentioning it in the last year, it's a time to learn these things and get to the other side I'd have thought.

I think I said I didn't know if his behaviour was normal but that it wasn't typical. I should have clarified - the hygiene and mess is pretty typical. I remember having to practically threaten them into the shower every night at that age. It was more the tantrums, the undermining and the intense anxiety about safety, that I thought was worrying.

You?

Lol

No, take another guess 💅

I don’t want to alarm you neccessarily OP but I would be concerned about the way he is treating your baby.

I saw something similar with a friend where the DSS (around the same age) kind of over-compensated for his fears of being replaced by a baby also by being involved and really too involved in looking after the baby. It was to get attention/praise from his dad and when that didn’t really materialise - and more importantly the novelty wore off but the baby was still there - then he began to slightly mistreat the baby. Not in an obviously deliberate way as such but more where e.g. he was supposed to be looking after her and then she fell over or where he was just a bit too clumsy. The ramming of the bottle really reminded me of the things he used to do.

I don’t think you should have him so involved in looking after the baby and I think you need to set some clearer boundaries that he is also your DC, it is not his responsibility to look after the baby and you will still love him. I think by involving him so much in the care of the baby, you are putting him in a situation that he can’t deal with and that is why these micro-aggressions are happening.

ND has a LOT of elements to it, and some of the stuff you mention (insecurity, sensitivity, being extremely self-critical) can be a part of it. Hence it's called a spectrum.
DSS clearly takes things very literally (OP wants honey, he puts loads on toast, he does not know how to play with a baby so he replicates stuff he saw somewhere without understanding he is going overboard, does not get social clues where OP is upset he is being forceful), for many autistic kids an arrival of a new baby is extremely distressing (even non ND children struggle, but for a ND kid depending on a routine this is a whole new world to navigate). He sees things black and white, it's his way or no way, he is very blunt (may not understand how OP feels when he criticises her or that it is inappropriate to comment on some things), having pretty intense opinions and very specific knowledge / special interests (like knowledge of names if some small boats). All of this could point at ASC, but OP and her husband would need to list all of these behaviours and actually do something about someone seeing the child, because he is struggling a lot regardless.
The most important thing is that his parents understand and try to find ways to support him and find strategies that work for him and strategies that work for them to make the whole thing less stressful.