Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

I did not say that at all!

You know why? Because she did not have an unpleasant bone in her body at that age - and still doesn't.

Sorry for my misunderstanding,

what made the trip a disaster exactly?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but how long ago did all this happen and does she want to see her grandad and uncles now?

Are you saying that based on the original post - the contents of which I have hardly deviated from - or something I have written subsequently.

But then, maybe - by your measure - I am crackers, absolutely.

OP, you are getting upset with the mean posts and not looking at the supportive ones. It's a natural thing to do in this situation. With kindness, please go to this thread, you'll find some more support there: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

Nothing about your post is clear.

Just saying.

The most annoying phrase as it has a negative tone.

@MysticCatLady
I am noticing and grateful for the understanding posts, I have thanked many of them but can't write longer posts to say more. But I am appreciating them, its not something that anyone on here can know.
The nasty ones are the ones I feel I need to refute, and can do so in fewer words.
Which, knowing that I have "too many", is a great help on here.

And my parents cannot say that they took me to Stately Homes. The most my Father did was allow me to sit in the non-existent back seat of the sports car while they went to the pub on Sunday afternoons.. This was him and the step-mother.

My actual Mother caught up with me when I was 16, and showed me the albums if when she took the Others to Stately homes (or on holiday); hoping/expecting that I would "fit in".

Nineteen pages in and it's like reading a cryptic novel.

Op I think you have a lot of unresolved feelings towards your dad and that you felt let down by him. he will never change nor acknowledge how badly he let you down throughout your life, of which this trip is only a small snapshot. Him now bringing up this trip has brought back memories and feelings that you'd worked hard to get away from.

AIBU is not the most suitable place to post this sort of thing on, relationships board is better for when seeking support. maybe repost there with a clearer opening post?

I would recommend getting some counselling for yourself, you're very hurt understandably. and it doesn't matter how long it's been, some things never stop hurting so posters shouldn't be telling you to move on.

Out of everything, THAT'S what you notice.

Plus, it was said with irony.

And that's without the story of France!

Although I'm not being intentionally cryptic, and rather hoped that people would be able to read and understand what I have written. Failed, obviously.

Oh no. I noticed so much more. That was just what I felt like saying as everyone else had said such a lot.

Oh but pleease ---- why bother???

OP, please don't waste your time getting into battles with negative posters. Cut all ties with your Dad, he's not going to change.

I could ask you the same..

It's not literal, most of the ladies on that thread were also not taken to stately homes.

Your daughter is lucky to have you, you don't repeat your parents behaviour. You'll never change them. Your father's indifference wasn't your fault.

Sending hugs xxx

How old is your daughter now ?

I have visited that forum before, and yes, I realise that most parents didn't take them to Stately Homes.

I didn't know either of my parents through early years though, so the "damage" was done quite early on, and there were never any attempts to make up for what had been missed. I was expected to be grateful, and by the age of 10 (Father plus) or 16 (Mother plus) was told repeatedly that it was all water under the bridge. Trying to understand things - understand them - fell on stony ground and annoyed them (separately).

Him bringing up something relatively small - and he has delved even further back to refer to my crimes and misdemeanors - had brought some things to the surface again, unfortunately.

I'm not sure talking with him does you any favours really. Especially since he seems narcissistic and trying to rewrite history.

You implied that your father said the trip was a disaster due to your daughter.

That, I think is what TARNSSA meant.

OP, I really, really think some counselling would help. I said it a few hours ago upthread too.

Please look into some counselling/ therapy. There's a lot to be unpicked around your childhood.

This thread is so sad. You see the people, with empathy, who can understand nuance and the effects of generational and childhood pain and how it still fucks us up as adults, especially when there is no realisation or reflection from the parent concerned. Posters who can see the bigger picture and not get bogged down in the minutiae of a story clearly used to exemplify a long and painful history of disappointment and hurt.

Then you see the frankly obnoxious morons who continue to grill the Op for pointless details about how long she was at Mac Donald's, what airline it was, whether you can buy fucking snacks in Japan airports, and accuse her of being precious spectacularly missing the point of the thread that this just symbolises a lifetime of not being a priority at best, feeling like a nuisance from the past at worst. And yet feeling 'blamed' for this by the one person who should be taking responsibility and trying to make amends.

Good luck Op. Cry for the adult and mother you now are and cry for the incredibly hurt little girl inside you and if you can - try to no longer seek acceptance and love from someone who is frankly not worthy of you or your daughter. Sending love. ❤️

No I didn't. The only place to do such a thing - which I repeat, I didn't and never would imply that the disastrous nature of the trip was anything close to any fault of hers - would have been in the OP, which I have just re-read. And if anyone has interpreted what I have said as blaming her, then they have read it wrong. And my Father did not blame her. Only me - always only me.

She put up with al lot over the course of that trip (I'm not allowed to call it a holiday), and was shielded from the worst of it.

OP, you have been horribly let down by both parents and your brain is still understandably trying to make sense of it.

it doesn’t make sense, and it won’t ever, because they didn’t treat you correctly. and they will not want to face up to that so will continue to project blame on you and your child.

they keep you in the cycle of engagement for as long as you find any of their logic credible.

I think you could consider therapy, which is if nothing else an outside pair of eyes to validate the unjustness of it and to mourn that you aren’t going to get what you needed from them.

your arms length posting style and vulnerability to being goaded here on AIBU kind of reflects what you relate going on with your relationship with your dad.

remember that like your dad, some people here on AIBU will not be engaging with you appropriately and therapy would help you learn when this is happening and to simply disengage with such people.

Also maybe post in the relationships board on here, I think that would be a really good start.