Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Your fixating on something that happened years ago OP, but you're not wrong, it was unforgivable for them to turn up late.

Thank you again @EarthsGentleGiants . You are saying things in a way I cannot seem to manage, and I truly appreciate it.

This thread is such a cross-section - and makes me both sad for what society is able to be, and thankful that I don't encounter people who are either actually like this in real life, or who just act like jerks for attention and the effect.

Also though, there are people with wisdom, kindness and understanding. Like you.

Thank you.

Having crap parents is really shit OP.

Have you had any support in working through your relationship with your dad?

Maybe try to limit contact to a minimum if it is less than enjoyable.

But I'm not; don't you see?
This was typical of the way he would regard me, both before that trip, and since.

It seems that I am "fixating", because that's the event under discussion - and even then, it's somehow warped into something else altogether. I am getting other perspectives, whether I want all of them or not.

There is so much more, that colours how things are. And I am sure my Father would say the same.

But one person who was not at fault, in any way, was my 8-year-old daughter.

Actual contact is difficult, as he now lives thousands of miles in the opposite direction (and I have learnt my lesson). But he does still - when he feels like it - communicate. Time is short now, but the way he sees me has never changed.

I've not rtft, but has it been asked if you have a ND brain, OP?

Your writing style & interpretation of events are somewhat unusual. Also your fixation on one thing- ie not being collected timeously- is unusual too.

@Puffalicious wondering if you yourself have a ND brain - spectacularly crass comment in light of Ops posts and what she has shared.

I just explained that I am NOT fixated on the one thing; rather that that event is symbolic of many many others..... and there is not enough time in the world to write about all of them.
Imagine - Mumsnet would explode at me!

I have actually been diagnosed on this thread as ND..... but also as AI, so who knows??

I like my writing style, and use of words and punctuation - and one thing for sure, it is never intended to offend.

@FarFarWay what you were meaning was evident to me from the first post, I also like your writing style but too sophisticated for a lot of people here it seems.

Oh thank you 😊 I realise the first post was not succinct enough, but then, how often are people told not to drip feed?
I tried to say too much, for context - and even the title was wrong, now I look at it. Maybe I should have said "Hoped", not "Expected"?
Sophisticated is a description I like, so I'll take that as the compliment I am sure you intended x

I think if you had initially said that it was your dad and he'd absented himself until you were 10 you may have had different responses. Any old relative made me think it might be your husband's family or your uncle/aunt/cousins and I must admit I was wondering why you let their opinion bother you so much.

You GC, who you haven't seen for years, is visiting from the other side of the world at Christmas and you would think a skipping rope and colouring book would be an appropriate present? I might buy that if they were coming for the weekend from 30 miles away. I'd push the boat out in the OPs circumstances.

Is this the Christmas present equivalent of competitive undereating?

@Suzuki70 Maybe, maybe not? I was at that time, keen to not make it about not being a great Dad or Grandpa, and just was interested in the actual logistics and practicalities. But yes, who the people concerned were does cast a different light on how it went.

Someone has said - jokingly - that i wanted balloons and a sign (hopefully, no sign needed, as we would at least recognise each other you would think) - but maybe I did want something "more" and yet less, in terms of numbers to be there.

i have learnt a lot from the range of comments and remarks. Mostly that I probably did expect "too much".

@Coconutter24
@Iwasafool

It was that they, I think, expected that to be all that she did with her time there. Even though it was Christmas, and summer.
They never ONCE took her out with themselves alone - which was strange I thought.
We were just like pretty inconvenient guests in their house. And we HAD been invited and strongly encouraged to go there; it was not something that I had had a strong wish to do, especailly as just in the first semester of a degree that I waited a lifetime to do.
I had no money left after paying for our flights, and he is very mean (obviously), so thank goodness we made the friends with the family with the small farm, and animals, and girls for my daughter to spend time with. And the adults had (lightweight) boozy evenings trying to roller skate on their huge deck. Even so, my Father resented our absence, and it was brought up recently as well.

He just wanted us to be in the house with him and his bigot friends when they had conversations I didn't want to be part of, and was not really (thank God) included in.

What would anyone have done?? It was an awful dilemma.

I notice OP that you answer certain posters & get into spats with them but have completely ignored the big question........

How long ago was this ?

I've done a similar flight to Australia and new Zealand. It's exhausting. Was your flight on time? For some reason ours was delayed for two hours but we landed early. Your family might have been expecting you to spend quite a bit of time at border control and waiting for your suitcase. I've been to New Zealand and was at security for ages. They tested my make up and contraception pills ect.
Also maybe your dad's step sons just wanted to be polite and welcoming.

The difficulty about his absence, was that I was living with his parents, so he would occasionally visit, just to make me feel like shit.
There were things that I didn't discover until only a few years ago...
hint - Long Lost Family would not give us a happy ending.

Like I said, France was the first time I realised how little he cared for me at all.

I just cannot answer them all, and refute the ones that are very wrong, or unkind.
I certainly thank the ones who are kinder, and do respond as much as I can (migraines allowing).

What does it matter how long ago it was? Haven't the detectives on here already been on the case, and figured it out.?
WHAT happened is important, not WHEN.
(Apart from changes in technology and airport procedures etc.)

I have decided now that I am never going to answer that question.

But look if I go somewhere with my child I will assume that her entertainment and care is 100% on me. If they took her out it’s a bonus but would your DD even want to go out with people she barely knows? Why would you want her to go out with a grandfather who is bigoted?

If your Dad said nothing bad about your daughter what did he blame you for. Why can’t you call it a holiday? If he wants to call it a trip, let him.

Perhaps the kindest thing you can take away from this thread is unravelling why this bothers you and why you still have contact with this man? Or even expectations of him?

Was the airport full of Crickets.? I don't get it, how was it the 8 year olds fault that the trip was a disaster? What is a wife element? Why are you referring to people as players is it a game?

@FarFarWay I kind of really respect your decision not to answer that question.

I am also very curious about this France camping trip but I am aware this is your life and your feelings rather than a storybook.

@MangshorJhol
I see what you are saying, and of course, everything to do with her was 100% on me. But we could have done things all by ourselves at home.

He made a great hoohah about us going there (and even moving there - even though he was only on a business visa, which i didn't know at the time), and why would it not be nice for them to get to know her a little bit one-on-one? she was shy but easy-going and inquisitive. i would not have thought it odd in a general sense, to take her somewhere as grandparents do (don't they?) - or are you just being contrary?

We had never had the chance to be casual about our relationship, as you can no doubt tell. And yet he wanted us to go all that way, and just ---- what? Hang out with them, while they just carried on with their every day lives, including work? Sit around like bumps on a log?

It really isn't the big question.

It was in the past. She's said that more than once. The actual time in days and years doesn't matter.

OP is trying to work through her feelings about how her father treated her and has explained many times that recent contact has brought it up again.

Quite a few posters are asking exactly how long ago it was so they can then tell her, some quite rudely, to move on. But events like the one she describes are all part of a difficult relationship with her father that she is trying to come to terms with.

I did just want to clear up why people thought you said your family blamed your daughter for the trip.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this (the trip being a near-disaster) is now being held against her by the main player.

Did you mean "this" is being held against her meaning "the fact she's never seen these relatives again"?

You know my parents live/lived two continents away. That’s actually what happens every year. We go and hang out for 3 weeks or so. They live their life. When my mum was alive and working, she wouldn’t take more than a day or two of leave. We just pottered around and I enjoyed being there.
The difference was that it was home for me. I grew up there. So I was taking my kids home and I was determined for them not to see Asia as this exotic place with mosquitoes and spicy food but ‘home’. So the sticking to the normal routine from the grandparents is what I wanted.

I am sorry your dad has let you down multiple times. Perhaps it is best to go as low contact as possible!? and not let him bring up all the many ways in which he thinks you have disappointed him.