Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Possibly @DuckbilledSplatterPuff because some people like to kick people, for pleasure. They can’t do it in real life, so they do it anonymously on here.

Hello OP,
I think what comes through all of your posts is your pain and sadness at having been so let down by your father throughout your life.

It must be really hard to deal with the fact that one of our parents has been so crap. Added to that, you say your mother was no longer around when you were young, so you must have hoped even more fervently that your father would step up.

He has never been there for you, by the sound of it, and that must be really sad for you. I think that, as others have said, he will not change and become a better father now, and so you must concentrate on the family you have created and try not to let him upset you so much, after all these years.

I wish you lots of luck with this process and, above all, please don't blame yourself for his uselessness!

I still don't understand why the colouring book and skipping rope was bad?

Op thought there would be balloons.. like the movies presumably

Perhaps had set DC up to believe there would be a massive welcome, and… ‘crickets’

All seems like lots of miscommunication and expectations and assumptions - over many many, many years…

So many brackets, so little sense.

Exactly how long ago did this incident occur, @FarFarWay ?

Thanks for the LOL

OP - you need to let this go. I escaped from an abusive marriage on a transatlantic flight with my 8 Year old DD. My DM who knew all about it told me to take a taxi from the airport to her house - i was
mildly peeved that she didn't collect us knowing what I'd been through - how long did I hold a grudge -
not even as long as the taxi ride. She also hadn't bought anything to entertain DD. Let it go !

Did you message the people you were picking you up and get a response before you started the last leg?
Did your message confirm your flight number, arrival time and say "see you in arrivals"?
Did you message them immediately you landed to say you were there?

If you did all the above and they were still >30 mins late then that's bad. On the other hand you've never seen them again and it sounds like it wasn't in the last 3 months so perhaps let it go and don't engage with them.

Sorry this post isn’t that clear
do you mean they were 40 minutes late? Did you say what time you were due to land?
who are they to dd?
were you annoyed because dd was hungry?
what did they say that dd annoyed them?
im just trying to understand why you are still feeling peeved off by this and still thinking about it
if 40 minutes after flight I don’t think they are unreasonable you’d expect times to get through passport control and bags
plus how easy is the parking and traffic perhaps they don’t often do the airport run

There’s a lot to read OP and it wasn’t awfully clear. But it seems your DF is complaining that he doesn’t know/see his granddaughter and has made reference to your visit not being a good experience. Surely the way you answer that is to tell him that if he remembers he didn’t go out of his way to make either of you welcome.

To your OP, I agree that it was a bit off for someone not to be at the airport to meet you after such a long flight. They might have thought a big welcome party was more important than a punctual one but I would have felt the same as you.

Apparently one of the posters said the airline used has been out of service for at least fifteen years now so I’ve assumed that child but be at least 8 plus 15.

It’s clear as a chocolate fire guard OP.

What exactly it is your asking us?

Im sorry you had a what seems like a troubled relationship with your father, I’ve read a few of your replies and I still cannot fathom exactly what it is your asking, other than you believe that your father should not have brought you’re brothers?

@FarFarWay how long have you been estranged from him / them? Have you told him why? Does he still dangle the carrots? Have you had therapy?

According to Wikipedia, JAL retired its last 747 13 years ago. May be time to let this one go…

After the drip feed of subsequent posts, it sounds like the OP had massive high hopes for this trip - reconciliation with a distant father! Being welcomed into the bosom of a loving family! Spending time with her Dad so he can bond with his granddaughter!

And none of it happened.

Something has happened recently - apparently her father also thinks it’s appropriate to raise issues decades later - and the holiday has been mentioned and the OP (or possibly her daughter) has been blamed for it not being successful.

The OP is therefore fixating on the ‘late collection’ as a reason it’s all her father’s fault things went badly.

She may well be right that it was his fault based on what she’s told us but ‘being late’ as a stand-alone issue is minor so she didn’t get much sympathy to start with.

Add in the fact the initial post was incoherent and stuffed full of irrelevant detail, plus the OP was deliberately rude to people who tried to get her to clarify as well as apparently thinking what she had posted did make sense, it’s not surprising a lot of people assumed communication difficulties / issues might be on her side.

Good Lord. I only went to Screwfix/clear my headache.

And I have come back to far too much to answer.

As I have seen before, threads take on a life of their own, and then the original problem gets discussed and re-discussed and people are accused of dragging it on.

I am sorry if/that the post wasn't clear, or was too long, or didn't explain enough, or clearly enough. Also that

It's a 40 minute drive and they left as you landed. So they expected you to take about 40 minutes to get through arrivals. That sounds reasonable, not their fault you were quicker. Your child was hungry when you landed. Unless it was a tiny airport - you failed to bring snacks for your child, and chose not to buy anything in the airport. Don't think she was that much in need then...

Op - I think part of the problem is you are focusing on the wrong issue. The flight or trip is a red herring. You are feeling very hurt by your dad and the flight / trip for you is just reinforcing these feelings. I regularly fly between uk and Australia with our kids and have since they were 6 months old - nothing you have said about the flight / trip would be triggering for me - but that’s because I don’t have the same feelings you do about your father.
I think you might find it more helpful to unpick your feelings about him.

OP you are presumably fixing on this holiday because you've never really been able to process it away, and because your father is using it as a stick to beat you with.
Have you ever had therapy or counselling? Because you seem very damaged by this man, yet still trying to get his approval, even after years of rejection.
If this was happening to a friend, how would you advise them?
I'm guessing you'd tell them to step away, drop the rope, get this toxic man and his wife out of your life.
You don't owe them anything, you'll never convince them that they owe YOU anything even though they have plainly screwed you up. Stop accepting the carrots. Block him if that's the only way you can be sure of not getting pulled back in.
You deserve to feel better about yourself. Allow it for yourself.

what was the issue with McDonald's OP? you said your father and his family accused your daughter of being unpleasant?

Ok so having read your updates I agree it was a bit crap to leave you to wait and also downright stupid to bring so many people to the airport that there were not enough seats for the people he was picking up.

I also agree that your dad sounds like a bit of a narc and it’s probably best to give him a very wide berth for all your sakes. Sounds unlikely that he’d ever agree that he was in the wrong or that he behaved badly so I wouldn’t be expecting that any time soon.

I’m not sure whether you’ve had any therapy (apologies if you’ve mentioned this) but I think that might be useful to help you move past all of this. Nd minimise his influence on your life- going back over this old ground is unlikely to be helpful unless it allows you to deal with him (and his wife) differently in the future.

I totally get it, OP.
Either they're all so excited to meet you and DD, that they're there eagerly waiting for your arrival.
Or, they go low key, and DF picks you up and gives you the car journey to find your bearings and chat in peace (without DSM and DSBs). I think you're justified to feel as you do.

The thing is when your parent has been less than stellar in their emotional nurturing it’s going to cause trigger situations that would otherwise be brushed off or at least soon forgotten. OP has emotional scars and these don’t heal with continued lackadaisical care by said parent. I think the convoluted op needs to be put aside and see that the real issue is her lax dad and the subsequent unresolved issues.

At least it sounds like you have a better relationship with your own dc which shows you have more emotional maturity than your dad.

OP - I’ve read and re-read your posts. I think you have a lot of unresolved complicated feelings for and issues with your father. The details you’re focused on with the pickup (teens in car, McDonald’s, no balloons, 40 min wait etc.) are not a big deal but given your relationship with your father might be. I suggest you look into therapy to work through them. Most people I know don’t have elaborate/strong feelings around airport pickups - they’re mostly just glad someone saved them having to use public transport.