An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

If your not early you’re late.

You decided to ignore your alarm. One mistake if you can call it that. That’s the why you were late. You used up all your faffing time for hunting keys and such in your no the alarm didn’t matter I’ve got time.

Yeah that’s your inbuilt faffing time not oh well time.

always make me laugh that the latest parents to school are always the ones who live a mere 5 minute walk away. They must think they can teleport or something.

7am alarm get up
7:30am breakfast
8am hair
8:25am leave for school
8:30am school gates open
8:45am school doors open

Those 15 minutes between gates and doors is catching up with the other parents/kids running around or eating their school provided breakfast bagels.

8:50am school doors close.

Yet every single day the same kids come running round the school 8:49am hoping to reach the door in time. Crazy. Gates open is my must be at school for time not skid marks on the playground for 8:50am.

It’s not time blindness - it’s priorities. All the work you continued to do between 11-11.23, you could have done when sat on the train an hour later. They weren’t business or time critical. At 11, you prioritise getting on the train. Perhaps you set an alarm for 1030 to highlight you have 30mins to work and to decide which tasks you’ll do on the train. I have ADHD and parent two kids/teens with ASD/ADHD - you plan to leave earlier, even aiming for the earlier train if necessary.

You've actually proven the point entirely here of why people find it selfish and rude.
When you say its like a compulsion to ensure you don't waste any time, you mean a compulsion to ensure you don't waste your time. In doing so you ensure that other peoples time is wasted, as they are stood waiting for you.
They probably also would have quite liked to quickly chuck a load in the machine, but they recognised that doing so might make them late and that others might be forced to wait for them.

I sympathise OP I’m always late, always have been, I try to be on time but something always crops up, I need a wee, the phone rings, I check the door is locked … I’m late.
Its just the way I am!

I'm the same!
I work 15 minute drive away on quiet country roads, so I leave for work an hour before my shift. Because, you never know, a heard of elephants might suddenly appear in the road.

In the nicest possible way, you never had loads of time by starting at 11am. You seem to be basing your timing on the smallest possible amount of time that each job might take. Life rarely Works out like that. You need to aim for an earlier arrival time, increase your getting ready time by about 50% and go from there. Create a new narrative that every time you think you have loads of time, you just keep going and say to yourself that if you get there early you can read on your phone or something. It is just quite clear from your starting point of 11 that you were always going to be late.

If i'm going somewhere new in the car I usually check google street view to see if there is any suitable parking and how the area looks. I'll also "drive" down a few roads leading up to my destination on street view so I know the area better.

Some people who are perpetually late are selfish, yes. But if you genuinely do have difficulty with executive functioning/time blindness, it's absolutely not because you think your time is more important than someone else's. Finding time difficult to manage and being late causes a lot of shame because you just know people who don't have those issues will judge you as a horrible selfish person, like you just have. I'm like your DH and will be perpetually early and stressed because I know people think like you do and will judge me harshly if I mess up.

The selfish bit is knowing you have time blindness and not using the tools to help.
As the Op says she knows what she needs to do but chooses instead to not worry about the time as much as doing the little jobs before leaving the house.

Essentially she wasn't scared enough of missing the train. It is hard work for every one having to be on time. NT people are perpetually early and stressed because that what it needs to be on time for important things.
I do understand it's part of being ND but my impression is that it falls under the same umbrella of talking "at" people. It's not selfishness but a heightened sense of self. Not responding to outside cues (so thinking having 10 minutes in the bag is time for you, rather than seeing it as a set countdown to leaving the house on time).

Well your first error was planning to leave at 11:40 for a 12:00 train! Even typing that is giving me anxiety!! I would have been on the platform by 11:40...not touching up my hair and make up and kissing the dog!!

If you KNOW that parking is an issue, you leave yourself AT LEAST 20 minutes JUST to find a place and park!

In future I suggest you round up, then double every length of time you 'think' you need. So your 'two minute drive' would round up to 5 minutes, then double to 10. When you've calculated all your 'parts', add another 20 minutes...for 'unforeseen' traffic issues. This way you actually have a reasonable time buffer which you simply MUST NOT change in your head as 'oh I have loads of time because I added more on'...just stick to your plan!

I'm the exact opposite. I'd be leaving your house at 10 thinking shit I'm going to be late and ending up waiting an hour for the train drinking coffee, reading paper etc.

This is me. I know exactly what you mean!

A few people have commented that late people just don't care. And I can see how it would look that way, but for me at least, this is not the case. I think it's clear from OP's post that our perception of time is distorted, especially with our assumptions of how long things will take as we chronically underestimate things while believing we've actually allowed plenty of time.

I often will start to get ready at the time I've set, but because I think I've allowed plenty of time, I don't pace myself well enough or I'll do things that I could have skipped if I'd realised time was passing quicker than I thought. This results in time blindness situations, like OP describes, where I then look at the clock and something I thought would take ten mins, and felt like it had taken ten mins, has actually taken twenty. Then I rush around trying to do everything at warp speed.

I do the following to try to compensate for this...

Lots of clocks! Since we are basically incapable of accurately judging the passing of time, I think the more it's in our faces, the better. I put clocks in the bathroom and right next to wherever I do getting ready stuff.

Put as much as possible ready the night before, especially all the fiddly microtasks we think will not take any time but do. I have to be careful this doesn't backfire though and lead to me thinking I can get out quicker than I can.

However long I think something will take, I double it, at least. And even then it's not always enough! I can't tell you the amount of times I've had to let my hair dry using the blowers in the car. I iced a still-warm birthday cake for a family member in the car once.
Nonetheless, I think this is probably the key for me, just accepting that my assumption will be totally way off, no matter how much it may feel like it is enough.

To-do lists, itemised with timing of each task help for steps I do routinely where I have gradually learnt the hard way how long they actually take me.

My work is very deadline-driven and I'm a freelancer so when I first started I would just allow huge buffers. Over time, I've been able to reduce them as many tasks are similar but think I still leave much bigger buffers than others in this field who schedule jobs much more tightly.

I hahe ADHD and time is luckily one of the issues that doesn’t really affect me (I struggle in other areas).

When I do occasionally have a timing issue it’s down to my calculation, so I really underestimate how long something will take me.

For example, I’m going into central London and I know it ‘takes an hour’. If I need to be there for 10 I’d literally give myself an hour and think ‘oh I can leave at 9’, except the train isn’t until 9.20 (executive dysfunction means I didn’t think to check in advance), it’s a 20 min train there, then the bus I thought only took 10 mins takes 25 AND I have to find the bus stop and wait for it to arrive. So what happens is I cut corners and take a cab instead, so I get there on time but it’s expensive and I’m flustered.

Another one I do in the winter is leave at the same time for work every day but then get to the car and realise it needs defrosting and with my old car it can take up to 10 mins for that.

build a miniature replica of the Mary Rose
😂😂😂
My ex bf was persistently like this too -terrified of wasting a minute of his time, filling in with odd jobs etc. I also had a rinside view of this like the occasion when we had to join a friend’s boat in time to catch the tide (which really first wait for people!) was obviously tight timing but he insisted we should grab a coffee and sandwich first from a cafe that had a long queue. And numerous similar. He is ex for that and other selfish thoughtless regards for other people’s needs.

But if you genuinely do have difficulty with executive functioning/time blindness, it's absolutely not because you think your time is more important than someone else's.

But if you know you have issues with time blindness, why would you ever think "I've got time to do X so I'll get ready after that". You know you are a bad judge of time. Why believe your thinking that you have loads of time.

It's not the same but I have bad anxiety. There are times when I want to do or not do something because of my anxiety. And I have to consciously override it "no, you're only thinking that way because of anxiety."
Why not think "no, I have time blindness, I cannot be sure that I have loads of time so I will stick to my pre-planned timings and get ready at 11 when my alarm goes off because I know from years of experience that when I think I have loads of time, I actually do not".

But you know this. So change it. Set your leaving time 15 minutes before you actually need to. It really is that simple. Do you think no-one else needs a wee?

Trauma has a big part to play in difficulties with timekeeping, i have only just learned this recently

My brain works in a similar way which is why I ignore it.

So I would've started getting ready at 11 and left as soon as I was done .I'm always early , sometimes too early.

Same. I’ve travelled all over the world and have no car at home, so go everywhere by public transport. When catching an intercity train, I’ll always get to the station at least 20 mins before it’s due to leave, so I can get a coffee and chill - and still make the train if I hit minor delays.

If it’s a regular commute within a city (with other options to get there if I miss it), I’ll get there about 10 mins before. Just have a good book with you if you have time to wait: then it’s not ‘wasted’ time. It’s pockets of relaxation.

OP, wearing a watch can help with timekeeping as you (subconsciously) notice the passage of time more than you do with a phone.

Sounds like you make a good timeplan, but then don’t stick to it: distract yourself and justify not sticking to it. Might help to find your inner sergeant major!

Next time you need to remember as an automatic thought that whenever you think “I’ve got loads of time” that you do not have loads of time. Because you’re usually wrong.

You stop work immediately at 11am as the alarm goes and get ready. Leave at 11.30.

Alternatively add on an extra 15 or 30 mins to whatever you think you’ll need.

OK, I think I have undiagnosed adhd and struggle with lateness, but also have mastered catching trains on time! For me it takes 30 mins to get ready and I would leave 30 mins before train (it takes 10 mins to drive for me but this is early morning so guaranteed no traffic).

That means starting to get ready 1 hour before, not at 11.15/11.23. You simply didn't allow enough time.

OP you have awareness you are like this, the timeline shows you know how it often goes with you. So whatever plan you have, just factor in much more time because, as you clearly know by now with it happening so often, you need to give yourself more time. Stop pretending you don’t know how to change it.

A number of things I would have done differently OP. I am habitually early! So, firstly you didn't allow enough time to get to the station, leaving at 11:40 would be too close a shave if anything went wrong with traffic etc. You set an alarm but promptly ignored it and carried on doing other tasks hence the likelihood of being distracted and the time getting away from you. You don't appear to have your final things ready to go and just grab on your way out, why on earth put cups in the dishwasher? Weather forecast needed checking ahead of time to see if it might rain so you had the brolly by the door.

My system is to mentally rehearse what needs doing before I go out, a day or so beforehand. On the morning, to be sure I have my bag containing whatever I need, and clothes to wear are pre-planned. Time to leave is always 'too early' but if I was to try to cut it fine I'd have overwhelming anxiety, I'd rather be early!

It is manageable but you do need to have a better plan and stick to it, not be distracted!

The contrast between your post and your username is quite remarkable. Why don’t you show some ‘not optional’ respect to those you are meeting and turn up on time instead of shrugging your shoulders and saying “it’s just the way I am!” if it’s an endearing personality quirk that you cannot change?

But why is that funny.
That's the thing that really bothers me, you're sitting there knowingyou're going to be late and you don't give a shit.
It's all 😂😂😂
That's very disrespectful.

As a real stressy "I cannot be late even by a minute person" I cringed when you only gave yourself 20 mins to get to station, find spot, park up and get to platform. If I was on a 12pm train the absolute latest latest latest id want to be stood on the platform waiting for the train would be 11.45. I cannot begin to fathom how flustered and stressed/sweaty you must have felt after all that. I avoid that amount of unnecessary stress at all costs