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AIBU?

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Original poster

An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

898 replies

deviantfeline · 27/08/2024 02:39

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 27/08/2024 08:23

Respectisnotoptional · 27/08/2024 08:09

I sympathise OP I’m always late, always have been, I try to be on time but something always crops up, I need a wee, the phone rings, I check the door is locked … I’m late.
Its just the way I am!

Edited

no excuse.

Onlinetherapist · 27/08/2024 08:23

@deviantfeline get as much prepared the night before as possible. If can’t be done the night before, the morning of, eg have your hair and make up done before you start WFH, not when it’s time to leave. Or factor in extra time for this if you really need to. Have a very well prepared bag so eg you aren’t searching for your umbrella last minute. Factor in possible traffic conditions when planning.

llamajohn · 27/08/2024 08:25

PolePrince55 · 27/08/2024 07:50

Currently in bed, and I've to leave the house in 25 minutes for an appointment at 8.45 that takes me 20 mins to get to.
I need showered etc, hair /make up

Here I go. I'm get back to you on my leaving time 😂

You're deliberately turning up late and making someone wait for you..so..... congratulations?

MammaTo · 27/08/2024 08:27

I’d of planned to have got to the station for 11.30-11.45 and gave a 15 minute buffer on top of all the steps you planned. I’d of probably been ready to leave the house a lot earlier too.

AlcoholicDad82 · 27/08/2024 08:28

I’d have everything ready from the morning. Before I started work. Then just leave on time.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 27/08/2024 08:28

I have ADHD too and am ridiculously early for trains and planes. I always plan to get at least one train earlier than the one I have to get, will walk to the station rather than risking difficult traffic, and would be unable to concentrate on working from home if I knew I had to leave the house at 11am.

I’m also constantly surprised that, when I do drive somewhere, it actually takes time to leave the house and get in the car.

pasturesgreen · 27/08/2024 08:29

Your mistake, OP, was thinking you still had "loads of time" at 11am for a 12pm train.

Train leaves at 12pm, you need to get the car to the station, park and walk to the platform and are still fucking around at home 11am? Of course you were going to be late, you were going to be late the moment you didn't stop what you were doing at 11 to get ready (and yes, your original plan of actually leaving the house at 11.40 was cutting it very fine to begin with).

You need to allow more time than you think you'll need.

RamonaRamirez · 27/08/2024 08:29

I used to be like this

but I keep tweaking

in your scenario, the next time I woukd leave the house 10 minutes (or even 20) earlier

then keep bringing it forward

to catch a train I normally plan to be there about 15-20 mins before

never plan to be somewhere on the dot, like does not work like that

Mumofnarnia · 27/08/2024 08:31

thehourwaslate · 27/08/2024 06:08

I feel like I could have written this post! I seem to manage to be late for everything, including appointments and important meetings. I even missed a flight once.

i absolutely hate the feeling of being late, it makes me feel awful - embarrassed and stressed to be rushing. It is not something i purposely do, I just always think I have more time than I do and end up setting off late. It annoys me when people say it’s ‘selfish’ and that late people ‘value their time more than others’ because this is simply not true at all, for me it’s a genuine problem and not something I would ever intentionally do.

For those saying that the OP should have done all of those little last minute tasks much earlier in the morning, I think you’re missing the point. If all of that stuff was already done, when OP saw the time was 11:30am she would likely have decided she had loads of time left so may as well hang out the washing, quickly hoover, or put the bins out. It’s almost like a compulsion to ensure you don’t waste any time, which then causes the lateness.

I am not trying to claim it’s okay to be late, just that it very often happens unintentionally, despite best efforts to be on time.

Well that’s op’s problem then! Deciding you have loads of time left to potter about when you should be out the door is an issue with the op. What annoys people like myself who has made comments about how those things should have been done in the morning is that we have all been the victims of people who are persistently late because they feel they have loads of time left to potter about and do the hoovering or do this and that!

Many times I’ve been left in the cold and rain waiting for someone who has been late for silly reasons, usually because they have been pottering about and don’t actually start to get ready until I message them to tell them I’m already at the meeting place waiting for them! It’s extremely frustrating and selfish!

If you can tell the time then you need to find a way to deal with your ‘pottering about’ issues because it’s selfish to think “oh it’s 11.55, I’m meeting so and so at 12, it will take me half an hour to get there so let me just get the hoover out and then put the bins out”. I wouldn’t say that’s unintentional. However, it does seem very selfish.
I really don’t understand the logic of pottering about doing the hoovering or putting the bins out or anything else when you can clearly tell the time, you know you have to be somewhere at a certain time and you know people are going to be waiting for you. You’re never going to have time to do all these little jobs. If you have to be there at a certain time you have to be there at a certain time that’s all there is to it. Anything other than that is completely selfish!

NowImNotDoingIt · 27/08/2024 08:31

Lumirubin · 27/08/2024 08:23

As a real stressy "I cannot be late even by a minute person" I cringed when you only gave yourself 20 mins to get to station, find spot, park up and get to platform. If I was on a 12pm train the absolute latest latest latest id want to be stood on the platform waiting for the train would be 11.45. I cannot begin to fathom how flustered and stressed/sweaty you must have felt after all that. I avoid that amount of unnecessary stress at all costs

And this , for 12 o'clock train(that I have to catch) I'd have to be on the platform at 11:50 the latest!

babyproblems · 27/08/2024 08:32

You consistently tell yourself you have time when you don’t… no way would I start getting ready only one hour before your meeting. It’s pretty obvious to me why you were late!! You try and be really organised about the time breakdown but you’re still not leaving yourself enough time. I would even have been probably getting the second from ‘last’ train option so I would of had a second option if there was a train delay… I get the vague impression your expecting us to say ‘oh well you did really try’ but actually I don’t think you did and I think most people would be much better organised in terms of planning and priorities 🙈

katepilar · 27/08/2024 08:32

Oh yes, that what I would be doing too! I wouldnt be any makeup or hairstyling, but could be easily looking for clothes if the weather was different from the day before, or doing tidying/cleaning or reading the internet.
Luckily I usually do it if I have something really important on, like catching a train or a meeting. If it involves getting up earlier than usual it makes it harder.

GalacticalFarce · 27/08/2024 08:34

I've misjudged time like you in the past but I've learned from it so now it doesn't happen.
My ds is like this and I've told him "you cannot judge the time it takes to get ready accurately so from now on, I want you to add 20 minutes on to the time you think you should leave the house then work out how long you need to get ready, have breakfast, and so on then work out when you need to set the alarm"
This works much better and allows time for little mishaps and misjudgements.

katepilar · 27/08/2024 08:34

babyproblems · 27/08/2024 08:32

You consistently tell yourself you have time when you don’t… no way would I start getting ready only one hour before your meeting. It’s pretty obvious to me why you were late!! You try and be really organised about the time breakdown but you’re still not leaving yourself enough time. I would even have been probably getting the second from ‘last’ train option so I would of had a second option if there was a train delay… I get the vague impression your expecting us to say ‘oh well you did really try’ but actually I don’t think you did and I think most people would be much better organised in terms of planning and priorities 🙈

One hour is plenty of time to get ready for many people. Sometimes planning for too much time is the reason why I do other things that make me late.

MammaTo · 27/08/2024 08:34

justanotherparrot · 27/08/2024 06:07

I have a friend who I love very much, BUT she is just like yourself. I have learned that meet at 1pm means 1.30pm so I have resorted to adjusting my own timing accordingly rather than let it ruin the friendship. I see how she allows it to happen though....distraction upon distraction thrown in with mild disorganisation and then blended together with a busy life (which we all have) results in awful timekeeping.
Lateness is an extremely irritating trait and employers etc hate it- it's something that you really ought to learn to control because it comes across to others as dizzy and disorganised (no offence intended Smile).Just plan your day earlier...11am is far too late to start thinking about getting ready to catch a train at 12 unless you've got all of your other ducks in a row prior to 11am!

I have a friend like this too. She’s lost multiple jobs because of her time keeping, persistently late even though she had a car and no kids at the time (we were only early twenties).
We now tell her for example the meal is booked for 7pm when it’s actually 7.30pm. Its a fatal flaw I’ve had to overlook for the sake of a friendship, but I find lateness infuriating - the excuses of ADHD and time blindness don’t wash with me because you know you have a problem and don’t do anything to solve it. There’s no thought for the person at the other end of your journey who’s waited 30-45 mins by themselves to accommodate your disorganisation.

Flibflobflibflob · 27/08/2024 08:35

I lose track of time really easily (genuinely will be bewildered that an hour has passed) but I am never late. I basically just get on with getting ready to leave the house, then if I have time I do the extras. I would say I am verging on time blindness. The stress of being in a panicky rush and forgetting things is very motivating for me.

So I always wear a watch and habitually check the time, keys and purse etc stay in same place, I have spare chargers etc so I can pack one in my bag the night before if I’m going to need it, umbrella is always in the same place etc. I give myself plenty of time but I only faff once all the key components of leaving the house are completed. Then I will put cups in the dishwasher etc (I tend to just put them in straight away).

I use travel time for things that I can do on my phone.

TinkerTiger · 27/08/2024 08:35

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 27/08/2024 08:14

But if you genuinely do have difficulty with executive functioning/time blindness, it's absolutely not because you think your time is more important than someone else's.

But if you know you have issues with time blindness, why would you ever think "I've got time to do X so I'll get ready after that". You know you are a bad judge of time. Why believe your thinking that you have loads of time.

It's not the same but I have bad anxiety. There are times when I want to do or not do something because of my anxiety. And I have to consciously override it "no, you're only thinking that way because of anxiety."
Why not think "no, I have time blindness, I cannot be sure that I have loads of time so I will stick to my pre-planned timings and get ready at 11 when my alarm goes off because I know from years of experience that when I think I have loads of time, I actually do not".

Good for you, but many people with anxiety can’t just talk themselves out of it. And the same works for time blindness. The point is that people always think they have time for something because they struggle to calculate time properly.

Do you also tell dyslexics to just look a the word to spell it right?

Wordsmithery · 27/08/2024 08:36

Gilbertwasawuss · 27/08/2024 03:06

But late people often leave other people hanging around for at least that long.

Late people are valuing their time more than the time of the people they are supposed to meet.

Being late is selfish.
My husband has ADHD and is perpetually early for things because he would rather be waiting than for other people to be due to him.

Being late is not uncontrollable, the person just needs systems and to make it a habit.

(I realise this is a very long reply to your comment, but I thought I would tack on all my thoughts at once so I didn't have to leave two comments 😂)

Show quote history

I think you've missed the point. We latecomers are not making a conscious decision to waste someone else's time. We genuinely find it hard to measure time and how long it takes to get ready. Just because your DH has found a solution doesn't mean the rest of us have. I don't have ADHD but I am a habitual latecomer despite my very best efforts. And I suspect it's a bit more complicated than simply 'get ready earlier'.

MintyNew · 27/08/2024 08:36

tribalmango · 27/08/2024 03:18

Op do you have a job which requires some level of time keeping?
Do you have children or dependents who rely on you go get them to places at a certain time?
Do you manage to get to appointments (hair, dentist) on time?
Do you catch flights on time?

If so then it's down to what you're prioritising as important.

Yes I agree, surely there are areas of your life where you make it work just fine. Sorry but this is a lack of time management problem that you need to work on. This isn't anyone's problem to be more considerate about except you. Imagine if you were a doctor or in a profession where time is critical.
I really have no time or patience for people who are late, it's such rude manners.

ZiriForGood · 27/08/2024 08:36

A strategy from another time disoriented and habituously "just in time" person.
I just don't understand the aiming for 11:45, as the only way to make sure you will be there at 45 is aiming for :35 instead, ant the only way ..
So I am trying for "more reliable" :54.

At 11, get up and get "door ready". Toilet, mugs, dog, clothes, makeup, umbrella, keys, .... Door ready means that all things sit by your door.

The only unpacked exception is your laptop. You leave your laptop running and waiting at 11. You don't try to finish your work, max allowed is one sentence.
It isn't a big deal to leave it like that, because you'll have plenty of time in the end to get back to it, won't you? Or at least that is the theory. If the time for 20 minutes of work will be there, good. If you will end up with only a few minutes, you'll adjust, close it and go.

It works (for me) because it is much easier to leave the work "for a moment" to get door ready, than to close it without some conclusion at 11, when I feel there is time to attempt that.

TinkerTiger · 27/08/2024 08:36

NewFriendlyLadybird · 27/08/2024 08:28

I have ADHD too and am ridiculously early for trains and planes. I always plan to get at least one train earlier than the one I have to get, will walk to the station rather than risking difficult traffic, and would be unable to concentrate on working from home if I knew I had to leave the house at 11am.

I’m also constantly surprised that, when I do drive somewhere, it actually takes time to leave the house and get in the car.

People with ADHD seem to fall into 2 groups. Consistently early or consistently late!

But like you I identify with focussing on the time I need to leave and I experience almost a paralysis, not being able to get anything else done before I need to go.

MintyNew · 27/08/2024 08:38

YellowAsteroid · 27/08/2024 04:39

YABU. Totally.

You're a grown adult, and you KNOW when you need to leave etc etc etc. You just need some mental discipline. You stop work at 11am. You give yourself 5 minutes to do your hair. You get to your meeting.

Unless, of course, you think you're so important that others can wait for you?

Because, you see, I tend to think that people who are persistently late are arrogant arses, who give no consideration to other people's time.

If I"m waiting for someone who is persistently late, I give them 5 minutes then I'm off, or I start the meeting, or whatever. And you know what? It's amazing (to me) how ANGRY they get.

This, you are a grown woman end of.

parkrun500club · 27/08/2024 08:38

Firefly1987 · 27/08/2024 03:01

@IggityZiggity true but that's 10-15 min of your time wasted hanging about.

But that's how you make sure you don't miss trains. I can walk to my local station so I don't need to worry about parking the car, and it takes 22 minutes. I buy my ticket on the app, but I still aim to leave the house 30 minutes before, in case I walk a minute or two more slowly than usual, and/or need the loo when I get there.

That means I hang around for about 5 minutes once there.

It sounds like the OP would have left 23 minutes before. That doesn't work.

Yes if you are always early/on time for things, you spend a bit of time hanging around, but that's just the price of not missing trains.

KATHSTYLE · 27/08/2024 08:38

One of my adult daughters is like this and I'm afraid we all find it absolutely aggravating.

If your train leaves at 12:00pm you need to be on the platform 11:40am.

It's a short drive but who knows how long it will take to find a parking space so you need to leave the house at 11:20am.

Have absolutely everything ready to go - bag packed by the front door, keys there, water bottle filled, shoes and jacket laid out etc etc.

Now sit down at your computer with an alarm set for 11:10am. When the alarm goes off you have a last wee and leave (early - 11:15am!)

You find a parking space easily and walk into the station relaxed and in control at 11:30am.

StarvingMarvin222 · 27/08/2024 08:38

Not everyone who is late has ADHD, some people are just rude.

Van you imagine your surgeon being late because they had to run the hoover round before work
See you wouldn't stand for it so why should other people.

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