An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

I'm always early. I'm autistic and in my head it would be really rude and the wrong thing to do to be late, so I'm never late and sometimes annoyingly early (for other people), so sometimes I end up sitting in my car waiting for an acceptable time to turn up.

I work out how long it will take to get somewhere, and add on a little bit in case of traffic. If it's a long journey I add in one or two coffee/wee breaks. Then I add on a tiny bit just to make sure that I won't be late. And to make sure that I'm ready to leave at the time that I need to, I get everything ready in advance and make sure I stop what I'm doing in good time to put my make up on etc., which usually results in me being ready to go a bit early - so I end up sitting waiting to go - until I can't bear it any longer and say to myself that I might as well go now since I'm ready.

So I'm always early, but in my head it's also wrong to be early, so I spend quite a lot of time waiting around to make sure I'm not early......

I do hate other people being late though. I go to quite a lot of trouble to make sure I'm not late and in my head I don't see why other people can't extend that courtesy to me.

You’re wrong @Gilbertwasawuss your intense sense of self righteousness leads you to make leaps of logic. This is not true: “Late people are valuing their time more than the time of the people they are supposed to meet.

Being late is selfish.”

Late people, as the OP explains, can happen to some people for a variety of factors. The op is late for herself. She’s seeking help. How is she valuing her time more than other people’s time in this context?

it’s like dyslexia. people with dyslexia were told they were lazy and stupid for not learning how to spell. Then it turned out that it was more complicated than that.

Punctual people think later people are entitled and selfish. But maybe their ability to measure time is stunted? I know when I’m with someone punctual their ability to evaluate how much time has passed far surpasses mine

Currently in bed, and I've to leave the house in 25 minutes for an appointment at 8.45 that takes me 20 mins to get to.
I need showered etc, hair /make up

Here I go. I'm get back to you on my leaving time 😂

It's just telling someone who is disabled to just stop being so disabled and instead of recognising their problems as synonymous with a disability, they're attributed to personal character flaws

The OP specifically asked though- she literally asked "what would you have done differently"...... hence the answers

My husband can be the same. It used to drive me potty that he would know what time we needed to get somewhere, and thus when to leave the house. We’d get to being “all ready” and then he’d need to do something. e.g. “ yes I am ready, I just need to do a poo”, “yes, I am ready, I just need to build a miniature representation of the Mary Rose”.

😁I've got one of those husbands! Drives me mad but over the years I have drummed into him that I will be leaving at x time and if he's not ready, I will leave without him, regardless of any protests that my leaving time is unnecessarily early.

And for the record I’m usually ridiculously early. I can’t manage time at all and so my ability to be on time is zero. Instead I get where I need to go ages before time. It’s silly though and means I spend way too much time hanging around

I am very forgetful and frequently lose things. This morning I had to catch a train at 7.30. The station is a 15min drive away. I planned to leave the house at 6.45am, because there could be traffic, I could lose my keys, maybe I made a mistake with the train time, etc.

I set three alarms, one at 6am, one at 6.05am, one at 6.15am. I actually woke up at 5am because I get so worried about being on time, I can't sleep properly when I've got an early train.

I did faff before leaving the house. I left at 6.55am. But because I'd given myself such a huge amount of extra time, I was still on the platform 15 mins early. Which was good because when I got there, I realised I hadn't got an e-ticket like I thought, I'd got one of the fast tickets with a reference number and had to pick it up from the machine.

If you have an important train to catch and you know you have issues with time management, plan to be there 30 mins early.

I thought ADHD as well. It’s hard this stuff.

Lots of people have decided OP has ADHD even though I don’t think it was mentioned in the OP.

I can struggle with being on time. I don’t have ADHD. I don’t think people should armchair diagnose someone really.

Op, you knew you needed to start getting ready at 11 and then decided to carry on working instead so I suppose that was your error.

I know the OP asked and I hope that OP does find some useful information that she can take away from this, but many of us ND have asked this question "What can I do better? Why am I just not good enough?" And we have tried to implement these strategies and we have failed and it's had massive negative consequences on our mental health.

It's such a common cycle. Before you know yourself well enough to realise it won't work, you desperately try anything.

I'd have planned to be at the station on the platform at least 10 minutes before 11, and would have built in a lot of extra time for the unknowns like traffic, parking. This could often mean those things don't take as long and I'm stood on the platform waiting for 20 mins..... but I'm not late.

I'd also agree with a pp that you think you are "ready" at 11.32 when you were nowhere near ready. Ready is makeup on, dog fed, leaving the house.

If you know you are timeblind you need to plan in everything you could possibly need to do then add in 30 mins or even more of spare time.

People who aren't often late often wait around longer for trains or arrive early, because they've planned extra time in in case of a problem or delay. You almost have to have a mindset of accepting this and not considering it wasted time.

I do the same as you op... With one difference... I factor in the inevitable faff factor + 10 minute delay contingency (10 mins for the kind of journey you describe, but more of the possibilities are more varied).

So my description would be the same except

the 'must go now' thought would kick in sooner cos I would be expecting some sort of faff (the checking the windows are closed, get to the car and realise you've forgotten something etc etc part of leaving - rare is the completely smooth 'zero extra last minute thoughts' departure)

I would have a contingency built in which would allow for the road works / school trip blocking path / tractor going slow... Unexpected things which also means if none of those happened I'd be early (and have time to buy a coffee).

TLDR:
I remind myself being on the last minute is stressful and horrible.

Faff time and unexpected delay time is not optional in my head so I don't nibble away at them like you did with your last minute email.

I don't see an issue with time blindness. The OP was always going to be late because she planned to leave the house at 11:40ish for a 12pm train.

All the rest is just noise.

If you plan to leave with no time to spare, of course you are going to be stressed and barely make it.

@NewNameNoelle I want to marry you.

I've had some incredibly stressful journeys in the past where everything went wrong so I now pre-plan everything. And it works. Travelling is now so much less stressful.

It does mean I'm almost always early but I don't see that as wasted time. It's bonus time that I can use doing something I want in the sure knowledge that I'm already where I need to be.

Btw, if you don't already know about it I recommend parkopedia. It's a very handy website for finding car parks and will even tell you how much it'll cost.

Aim to be there for 11:50
Act as if that’s when your train is.
When the alarm goes off, you focus on getting ready, nothing else.
If you need to do other things, set your alarm for earlier.

It’s as simple as that first decision you made when the alarm went off. That 15 minutes you decided you could afford to spend carrying on working was the difference between comfortably making your train and the panicked last minute dash, even if nothing else had changed.
Set your alarm and stick to it

This is me as well. If I arrive to something 5 minutes before it starts, my head calculates that as late! 😂 Therefore I'm always very early.

Sounds like you need better systems in life generally. I am not particularly organised and can find being too organised/getting organised stressful. But there are basic things like , car keys are in my coat pocket or bag or particular drawer. If i was on a deadline the next day and didnt know, i'd find them that night. House key on the car key. My umbrella or rain coat is hung up where it lives. I know I need my charger the next day, I'd put it in the table the night before, I'd do the household jobs before I start work. Of the dog has a treat before I go out ,that's a routine. The treats are in easy reach. So I think its general organisation and beginning planning the night before. I just go round getting stuff where it needs to be.

The idea of leaving at 11:40 for a train that leaves at 12 makes me feel a bit ill. I'd like to actually arrive at the station at 11:40 or 11:50 at the latest so I have time to chill at the station and not be in a rush. So that's the difference in the mindset.

I do this and seem to be worse as I get older. I've put strategies in place, like you, and then, like you, my brain tricks me in to ignoring the strategies!

I also weirdly am avoidant of finishing my task to move on to the new thing, no matter what it is. So, I know I need to start getting ready at 4pm for something but even if it's an activity that I really want to do, I feel paralysed to stop what im currently doing and just sit frozen as time passes and then i have to hurry to be on time. I don't understand it.

This has been a useful post though, as you've literally described the nonsense I put myself through on a regular basis. That would be me sprinting to the train, all hot and flustered, thinking "why the f*ck am I so useless?"

But, presuming there is good Internet signal at the station, if she was sat there for 15 minutes she could have used that time to send that email that delayed her plus any other little internet/ phone type jobs so the time wasn't wasted.

I’m either ridiculously early, or just a little late. I don’t seem to get the balance right.

Agreed. It sounds like OP knows she has bad judgement of time, and that her judgement always falls the wrong way (ie she thinks she has more time than she does). But once you know that, when you think "oh I've got loads of time, I'll just do X", why would you not then think "hang on, I've been here before. I probably don't actually have loads of time, so I won't do X".

You need multiple alarms - a get ready alarm and a you need to leave the house in the next 5 minutes or you are going to be late alarm.

I'm a persistently early person, and I have this. I have a "get your act together" alarm 30 minutes before I need to leave the house every day. This will get me to the station in time to catch a train which will make me at least 20 minutes early for work. That gives me contingency time for most train delays, and also to grab a coffee etc before I need to be there.

The only situation where I'd willingly leave the house 20min before a train is due would be if I lived a 5min walk from the station.