An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

Some people who are perpetually late are selfish, yes. But if you genuinely do have difficulty with executive functioning/time blindness, it's absolutely not because you think your time is more important than someone else's. Finding time difficult to manage and being late causes a lot of shame because you just know people who don't have those issues will judge you as a horrible selfish person, like you just have. I'm like your DH and will be perpetually early and stressed because I know people think like you do and will judge me harshly if I mess up.

It's not ok to just stop trying to be on time, and it's not ok to not communicate if you do find yourself running late and keep someone waiting, of course.

Im the opposite and I’m usually early because my brain thinks ‘what if…’ all the time.
if I have a train to catch for example I’d get to the station at least 20 mins prior (this would be a big main line station not a small local one) id rather sit around for 10 mins, or the train may be in already so I can get myself seated etc.
In leaving the house - pack bag night before, do all the clearing up etc earlier then you know you’ve just got to say bye to dog:turn off computer and you’re off. It’s things like not being able to find keys/phone that would delay me so have a designated space for them etc.

I agree with @PigglyWigglyOhYeah about not planning to get to the station just on time. If I’m catching a specific train I would always plan to get to the station by 10 minutes in advance of the departure time.

I also am very with friends who are very organised at their jobs but are unable to be on time/reply to messages/make firm
plans in their private lives.

People with dyscalculia can struggle with time management and can often go undiagnosed.

Not saying this is the case for you OP but there seems to be a lot of hate towards lateness, personally I am chronically early but understand it's not so easy for others.

I am rarely late to anything important and being late makes people feel unimportant.
remember the feeling of being left waiting for boyfriends when I was young (in the time before Mobile phones.
like every other woman in England I have (diagnosed) adhd (but I don't tell people in real life as it feels like an embarrassing bandwagon and an excuse for poor behaviour).

I think you have to ask yourself how much you actually get out of the extra time at home.

I'd have left much earlier because by the time 11.30 came around I would simply be unable to relax. It doesn't sound like you could either.

I prefer to know I am there and ready. Then I'd have replied to emails on my phone while on the platform or brushed my hair in the station toilets.

Is there any point to the not setting off if your brain is running at 100 miles an hour thinking about the setting off. What is that time achieving that you couldn't do if you were early?

ADHD makes thing a harder but like any other personality trait it's something you can try and learn to work around

I hate being late as I have been late so many times because of things I could not control.

If I have to be somewhere to be I pack my bag, get coat and shoes etc and leave them at the front door. I do this the night before.

If I have something in the fridge there is a post it note on the door to remind me to collect the fridge contents.

When the alarm goes you need to switch of your computer and leave.

You didn’t leave enough time to drive to and park at the station. If you find yourself tempted to leave too late, then just mentally change the time you’re aiming for, eg if train leaves at 12pm, you say to yourself that that means you need to be there waiting at 11.50am. You then work your times around that - train=11.50am.

Your second mistake was not getting ready beforehand. I get totally ready in plenty of time - literally ready to walk out the door - then sit down for the rest of the time left and set an alarm to get up and put my shoes on.

I have ADHD and find these things help a lot.

At 11.23 I wouldn't have thought I have loads of time and would have been rushing out the door then. Maybe that's where the difference between 'early' people and 'late' people is. Personally I'm rushing whether I've still got half an hour left or not. I might pause (ready) if I'm ready far too early but other than that I'd get ready and leave early

I always aim to be 15 -20 minutes early , whatever the occasion .
So in your case , from the outset I would need to be at the station at 11.45am. I then allow plenty of time for the journey allowing for hold ups etc
I was brought up with parents who were late for everything ( turning up to weddings as the bride was leaving church, late for school every day etc). I’m now paranoid about being late so always err on the side of caution.

I’m a serial procrastinator but interestingly it doesn’t show up when I am due to meet someone or be somewhere because I’m so anxious not to let anyone down or be late.

So here is what I’d do differently.

Get ready in the morning before you start work.

I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station.
Stick to this but you would mostly be ready from the morning
It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.
would have allowed 30 mins.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready. Why?????
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing just no
11.23 - finish email and pack bag should have
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that no
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck. 15 mins just to leave the house so factor that in next time.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday. This is why I would have left at 1130
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

That's wild. I have diagnosed ADHD and autism and time management is difficult, but I don't judge people harshly for being a few minutes late or struggling with time, I wouldn't assume they are selfish and awful, but also you can't just be like "I have ADHD so I'm just gonna do whatever and people just have to deal" - that's not how things work!

I am a bit like this too - would rather be an hour early than 5 mins late!

My trains are hourly. There are always spaces in the car park so I aim to be there 15 mins before the train leaves.

If I needed a 12pm train and the car park 2 mins walk away often has no spaces I'd be leaving at 11.20 in the hope I'd be parked around 11.30 getting progressively more stressed if I wasn't parked by 11.40!

I think you need to plan for an arrival time 15 minutes earlier than the actual time you need to be there.

You should also do one of the following

1. develop the discipline to not mentally override the alarm or
2. add 15 minutes of ‘faff’ time. At the point that you thought you were ready, you were not - all the things that happened after that were going to happen and needed time allocated to them or
3. do some planning in advance - having bags packed and shoes and keys in easy reach, having make-up such that it doesn’t require a touch-up.

Of those options, you’re probably best adding extra time initially, as you find it difficult to ‘see’ what is left to do. So in total, you need to add 30 minutes to your timing. There will be times that you end up being early, and if your are persistently early, you can then shave time off this.

My husband can be the same. It used to drive me potty that he would know what time we needed to get somewhere, and thus when to leave the house. We’d get to being “all ready” and then he’d need to do something. e.g. “ yes I am ready, I just need to do a poo”, “yes, I am ready, I just need to build a miniature representation of the Mary Rose”.

It seemed to be a difference in definition. I see ‘all ready’ as meaning ‘the time at which we start making the journey away from the house’. He sees it as ‘the time at which the last few things need doing to prepare for leaving the house’ . So I now build in 15 minutes of faff time. At the beginning of faff time, I am ready in the hallway with my shoes on, which encourages him to start the process of the last few things.

It’s annoying and a bit selfish of him, but at least we get to where we need to be.

Me too. Hate being late, hate people being late..

Also anxiety makes timeblindedness and worry about being late makes anxiety.

Your mistake is that you planned to leave at 11:40 for a 12pm train. By your calculations this would have had you just on time, assuming nothing went wrong.

BIG mistake. For a 12pm train, you should aim to arrive at least 10 mins before. So, I would aim to arrive at 11:45.

This way when things go wrong (as they always will), you are still on time. Unless you plan to arrive early, then you'll always be late. It is that simple.

I’m someone who is never later than 15 minutes early. You planned to get there at 12 when the train leaves at 12. If it were me I would plan to be on the platform at 11:45 to allow for things like the zebra crossing and no parking spaces, which means in reality I’d be in the car park at 11:30.

I wouldn’t have touched up my hair and make up because that would be a pre 11am job, ditto with the cups in the dishwasher. I’d either leave them or do it earlier.

you need to make yourself at peace with leaving jobs to be done later and also arriving early and sitting waiting. It’s no good saying ‘my brain doesn’t work that way’ you need to counteract your brain by writing down how long it will take you to do something and adding a 15 minute buffer and prevent yourself from being distracted, set multiple alarms.

The thing I never understand with these threads is if you KNOW you always do this, and you KNOW your brain has a tendency to suggest you can just "do that little task first" why don't you say to yourself, "no I know I think I do but past experience has shown me I don't". An adult surely can make that rational judgement, regardless of ADHD. If you have the ability to live independently, drive, hold a job, care for children and pets, you have the executive function to learn and remember. Why is this aspect of learning and remembering different? Put notes round the house saying "I don't have time to just...." Set alarms, pre pack stuff and tell yourself from the moment and event is booked it's actually at least 30 mins earlier than it is. So what if you "waste time' at the station...get a coffee, scroll, relax and be pleased with yourself. Surely that's better than the endless rushing, panic, missing things and pissing people off.

I would have keys, shoes, bag etc ready in advance, so that, when it's time to go, I just need to the toilet and grab my coat

And, think of time on the platform as eg time for Mumsnet or checking email, rather than time wasted

I don't judge people harshly for being a few minutes late or struggling with time

I dont think most of us mind a few mins late- thats no big deal. But when it starts getting 20-30 mins or more on a consistent basis yes, that is rude. Regardless of whether the motivation is to purposely be rude or not, the effect is - it's rude and it does give the impression you dont care (even if you do).

Also, not all of us actually have oodles of time to wait around or shift forward meetings by 30-40 mins at short notice. If we arrange to meet at 11am for example, its often because we have to leave at a certain time to be somewhere else (pick kids up or whatever) which is why I would leave if someone was late- because if I didnt I would then be late to something else.

I don't think this is the case for everyone- and it's not understanding neurodivergent minds. Some people with ADHD are always late, some always early. My brain can go both ways.

I have a friend who's always late and it's definitely a case of valuing her own time over others- she'll arrange to meet then I'll be waiting with the kids (even hers) while she puts her washing on and finishes tidying, however I also have a family member who just has no concept of time.

There are a lot of posters here telling you to form new habits and create new systems and prioritise but none of them are acknowledging that often with time blindness it's a symptom of ADHD and that usually comes with an inability to prioritise tasks or form new habits because of executive dysfunction.

It's just telling someone who is disabled to just stop being so disabled and instead of recognising their problems as synonymous with a disability, they're attributed to personal character flaws.

I'm not saying doing these things is impossible but everyone with ADHD will have different and fluctuating support needs and so some people might benefit with the use of support aids, some temporarily and some permanently, but some can't.