An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

Yes!!! This makes me rage too. The amount of head office meetings I've attended where I've got up extra early to get there on time and the same few people are always consistently 30-45 mins late and then the organiser says "well, lets wait a bit longer so everyone can get here". So we sit around doing nothing waiting.

Then the meeting inevitably ends up dragging on for an extra 45 mins after it should to accommodate them and then I end up being 45 mins late to pick up my kids or for something else afterwards. Plus they start at 10am! its not like its starting at 6am.

It's annoyed me so much I feel like just turning up at 11 next time because - why bloody bother if we're going to spend the first 45 mins doing fck all. I could have spent that extra 45 mins in bed!

This is a genuine question - does anyone with ADHD feel that taking ADHD medication helps them with perceiving the passing of time better?

I had a time at work where I was dealing with a dog who needed medication that made him wee loads and i really needed to get home to time. I used to walk into meetings and say words to the effect that I am sorry to have to do this but I have to get home and I will be leaving here at xxx time and I'd do it. The first couple of times it caused raised eyebrows but I stayed calm, polite and apologetic and people got used to it. I'd like to say it had an effect on the latecomers but it didn't but it stopped them affecting my life and it also started a small trend where other people would say that today they had to leave on time because xxx.....and yes I was one of the most junior people at the meeting but it was important that I was there because of project work i was doing.

I'd like to say it had an effect on the latecomers but it didn't but it stopped them affecting my life and it also started a small trend where other people would say that today they had to leave on time because xxx....

I will definitely be doing this next time. I've made the effort to be there on time, I am not staying late because others cant do it. I'll be polite of course but I will say that the meeting was meant to start at 10 and that if it runs over it's not convenient for me and I will leave. I think others have got equally annoyed about it judging by the eye rolls and mutterings with the waiting so if enough of us leave on time I'm hoping it will force their hand to address it.

Honestly those people justifying lateness with issues around executive functioning, poor working memory and time optimism make it sound as if these people would not be able to live alone. Putting food in the oven and forgetting about it, starting tasks and forgetting them half way through, not being able to understand what tasks you need to do before leaving the house - surely all this is exaggerated. Because otherwise do you have frequent fires in your house? How do you ever manage to lead a normal life?

I require a significant amount of support from my family in order to live as independently as possible because of my disabilities. I will probably never be able to be fully independently and if there is ever a time where I can't access support I will suffer the consequences of no support.

It might be hard to imagine that those of us with neurodevelopmental disorders might require support if you do not have any experience of neurodevelopmental disorders.

No, there aren't really any assisted living facilities for those of us with autism or ADHD, and certainly not for dyslexia, dyspraxia, epilepsy and so on.

Even acquired disorders such as through trauma...

If we don't have support from family then we really struggle.

Those struggles can range from appearing a bit lackadaisical and being late due to being unable to manage time to being completely unable to function independently and requiring support in social situations, managing finances, cleaning, cooking, life admin, travel etc.

You might think it's exaggerated because you have no experience of this, but that's an example of your own inability to perceive the struggles others may face.

I do private tutoring. If I'm late to start a session (rarely), I see it as my responsibility to teach for the full hour.
If a pupil is late, the lesson still finishes according to my schedule. I'm not going to make other pupils late at the cost of my reputation.
In Elaine's case, her being late is irrelevant. Her lesson still ends at 1.55pm. Maybe then she'll make more of an effort to get there on time.

I have a colleague who is 15 minutes late to every single Teams meeting and is surprised when the meeting is well underway by the time he joins.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I do not think it is at all exaggerated if people can not live independently.

This is a very long thread, so obviously I have quickly skimmed through.

(I have to leave work for the day in 8 minutes, and here I am scrolling through MN like I've got all the time in the world...)

I too have no perception of time when I have to be on time @deviantfeline At all other times, hurrying others along, having a general normal day, I am absolutely aware of the time. But if I have to be somewhere and I'm not racing to be ready or physically running to get there, I cannot deal with it. It's as if I have to be very slightly late, or just about on time, never early. If I find myself running a little bit ahead of schedule, I will always fit something else in. I'll put a wash on, I'll clean the toilet, anything. I feel like I always have to uphold my reputation as a latecomer - I was in work early this morning as I have to leave early - and everyone pipes up with, "oh, pissed the bed have you?" And I'd rather avoid those comments, so make sure I'm just a tiny bit late every day.

And exactly as you say, I started typing this at 11.52 thinking it would take a physics-defying zero time, and now it's 11.58 and I am going to have to rush to close down my PC, tidy up etc. I can't help it. I drive myself mad with it.

You ‘feel like you have to upload your reputation as a late comer’

Oh dear!

I don't get that at all, you want to be known as a latecomer?

Reading some of this thread, and having had an ex husband who was relentlessly late for everything- had I know or realised at the time it was his brain making him fit more tasks in before leaving, and if he genuinely couldn't help it, I'd have thrown in the towel years earlier and avoided years of stress.

Seems that way! Makes absolutely no sense 🤣

And that’s the selfish attitude of a later comer when it has a knock on effect on other people.

Do they also have this attitude when catching a train “I need to keep up my reputation as a late comer so I’ll book and pay for a train ticket then make sure I arrive a few minutes late when the train has already departed”! Yes makes perfect sense!

Well the same goes for people who do not have the support they require to live independently.

My friend has 3 children and suffers similarly to me, has no family support, and has to work as she simply doesn't earn enough now her partner has left her. She has caused house fires, had to replace appliances, lost jobs, found jobs, is constantly losing things like her phone or glasses, missing appointments etc. But the difference between her and me is that I have got support in place to minimise the impact for when my own systems fail and she is not fortunate enough to have that support. She is in survival mode all of the time.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead
Does medication help with perceiving time?

Uphold not upload! Bloody auto correct

OP it’s like you were writing from in my brain.

I was in work early this morning as I have to leave early - and everyone pipes up with, "oh, pissed the bed have you?"

Bloody hell, where on earth do you work?

Agreed. My friend who is perpetually late rarely /never burns the dinner funnily enough!! Manages to use the oven timer and not ignore it, unlike the alarm she could set to get herself out of the house.

Nor is she ever late for something like a doctors/hospital appt where if you are late, tough, you've missed it.

As a pp has noted, every day is a constant never ending series of decisions, every alarm ignored is a choice to do something else

@Jimmyneutronsforehead so prior to separation did her partner take on the risks and management of She has caused house fires, had to replace appliances, lost jobs, found jobs, is constantly losing things like her phone or glasses, missing appointments etc for her? Sounds exhausting especially with 3 children for both of them.

Yes and no.

It helps you get stuff done, you're more able to do things you were putting off so you're not stuck in a state of paralysis and it helps clear some of the head noise that can be a distraction so helps with things like task inertia. So you have a better shot at getting places on time, but it doesn't really help you understand the passage of time.

For women as well your menstrual cycle can interfere with the efficacy of the medication and some people find it has paradoxical side effects so it makes them more stuck in decision paralysis.

I personally avoid medication because it makes my sensory sensitivities too heightened even though i can get more done on them, it's no good if I'm then overstimulated.

Too much generalisation in this personality assessment

@Jimmyneutronsforehead
Thanks for the answer - I have another question for you or for anyone else on the thread with ADHD. No worries if you can't answer - trying to understand more.

What are the effects of over stimulation for you? Is this a sensory overload, so that sitting waiting for a train (our default thread example) would necessitate high levels of anxiety, a sense that noise in the station is overwhelming and an increased perception of colour etc?

He did take on a lot, yes.

He wasn't her first partner and I think her issues contributed to the decline in their relationship except he's not picking up any slack for their children. Its not easy for either of them and the more effort she puts into making sure things go right, they go wrong in other places.