An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

This all reminds me vividly of when I went to a concert with a coach company about 15 years ago with my (then teenage) children. We went to the Birmingham NEC, and the coach was leaving at 11:15 pm. There were 50 people on the trip, and a party of 3 were late. They didn't get there until 5 past midnight. 50 minutes after the bus was due to leave. 50 fucking minutes! Everyone else was on time, (or early!) The concert finished at around 10.20pm, and the walk back to the coach was around 15-17 minutes. Giving people a good half hour window to go to the loo, or buy merchandise

You've just reminded me of a time when my son was going on a school trip and had to be at school for about 5am. We set about three alarms to make sure we woke up and he was there on time (fortunately his school was within easy walking distance for us) but of course there was the one child whose parent decided didn't have to comply with bourgeois things like times to get to airports on time. I thought the teachers were far too forgiving, I'd have just said "we said be here for 5am, we'll see you at the airport instead."

Mind you, I suspect they had planned the meeting time to be about 30 minutes earlier than they actually needed in the first place.

I'm a chronically early person.
I don't find it easy to be on time.
But I look at it I don't like to be kept waiting so why should I do it to anyone else.

I don't count anyone late till at least 15 minutes past the time we are supposed to meet.
If I'm early I go for a coffee or for a mooch.

I don't text the person I'm meeting annoying them to say I'm there.

This is my ADHD behaviour too, thought it was just me.

Haven't RTFT as it's over 20 pages long but the bit about misjudging how long it will take to actually leave the house resonates with me.

I swear time is moving faster as I get older - I can look back to say 10 years ago and KNOW that I would think 'ok time to go' and be out of the door in about 1 minute (pick up bag, put on shoes/coat etc), and I know that I do a similar routine now but somehow 5-10 minutes pass between getting up and actually walking out of the door?! Maybe I'm just unwittingly moving at glacial speed due to aging (I still feel the same though and like nothing has changed in my physical ability?).

At least since I've realised this I can adjust my schedule accordingly but honestly it took a while to realise where my timings were breaking down.

I sympathise OP I’m always late, always have been, I try to be on time but something always crops up, I need a wee, the phone rings, I check the door is locked … I’m late.
It's just the way I am!

But that's because you haven't left enough time in the first place surely?

I'm an always early person. I work on the basis that waiting time is best done at the location I'm supposed to be at. I can get a coffee, scroll on my phone, sit in reception or whatever, calmly. I don't call people to tell them I'm there, I just wait and find something to do.

Except if I'm picking up my sons! I message them to say I'm here and they reply, after a lifetime of us all being very early, saying of course you are mum 🙄😂

@parkrun500club I've left kids behind before. Rung the parents and said we'd see them at the airport, or not. Yes you build in a contingency but if it's a 3am meet it's not going to be all that much. I'm not jepordising everyone on the trip missing a flight.

I think this thread has just proved what everyone thinks that people who are late don't care about other and make excuses like nothing applies to them.

I'm getting more and more irritated at the ADHD/executive dysfunction/time blindeness excuse. Most ND, LD and MH issues have the same symptoms as ADHD (but usually worse as many are compounded by complex other comorbidities), I have severe executive dysfunction without ADHD and as mentioned previously it gets so bad I physically can't even dress properly myself at times.

'Executive dysfunction' is not a magic ADHD thing and is really is not remotely a 'unique' or 'rare' condition. Across the board you'll actually find most of the population actually have it to some degree. I guarantee you are not the only person at the train station/on the train with it. It doesn't give you a special 'out'.

Here is a magic thing too, no animal has natural time management because its an entirely human 'made up' thing that needs to be learned just like reading, tying shoelaces and math. Everyone had to work to learn it and has to put effort into applying it.

So many people are now pushing for diagnosis's as 'self diagnosed' adults and then using it as an excuse to not act reasonably anymore. If you didn't get diagnosed through childhood/teen years I guarantee it is because you could function enough to hide it so you CAN function because people who really struggled got diagnosed YOUNG (and had things like medication/CBT/OT to learn to function).

People then love to throw out 'but thats masking' yes... thats a word you stick on the actual ability to be able to control it and function independently when it take concentration. It explains it being tiring to you but it doesn't mean just don't ever have function again and can just say 'I don't have to because ADHD'.

You have to DELIBERATELY MAKE EFFORT in life because you effect other people. This thread has shown it purely an excuse made by people who have shown time and time again they are actually just selfish with a 'why should I have too?' attitude and nothing at all to do with ADHD and it gives people with ADHD a bad reputation (when most aren't like that).

People trying to use it as an excuse dispute 27 pages of being told by others executive functions issues effect them too and they do x, y and z to combat it but still think they are wholly unique and special so don't have to bother is weird.

Exactly what @housethatbuiltme put. It's absolute selfish, especially now it seems that not only is it being used as an excuse, it's a 'how dare you mention how my poor behaviour affects you, it's all about meeee and I'M THE FOCUS!!' Main character syndrome at it's core, especially those such as the woman mentioned in the work meal out, who think people are actually interested in why they're late, or that the party doesn't start till they arrive.

I’m actually wondering if it was a wind up because the same poster then said that if she was expected to turn up to an event/ function early she would expect to be paid for her time.

The same poster that then said that it makes sense to arrive late to a GP appointments because doctors always make people sit and wait for 30 minutes before seeing them so she checks in and the goes off to sit in the cafe next door while she waits 🤣

Surely it’s got to be a wind up!

i don’t think my original post was read properly. I am the first one in so have the earliest start time, so there is nobody to notice. And everything that should have been done by the time the others have arrived is done in good time I assure you.
I own the fact that my time management is poor but I’m not getting tarred with the lazy brush because I work damn hard to make up for it and, as I said, am just as often off late.
I agree that if a colleague who started at the same time as me was late and did not get the work done that would be annoying.
I was just making the point really that time blindness is a thing regardless of whether it’s the workplace, a train, meeting a friend… and it goes alongside my old friend anxiety… and worsens it!!

I was going to write something similar. So many people claiming they have ‘undiagnosed ADHD’ or similar. Unless these people actually have a diagnosis then I take what they say with a pinch of salt. Anyone can go on google and ‘self diagnose’! Jesus, if I went by everything google says, I’d have a whole bunch of conditions I don’t really have!

Theres absolutely no point saying your ‘undiagnosed’ this and that if you clearly don’t have a diagnosis. One of my DC is diagnosed with asd, it was pretty obvious she had ‘something’ quite early on but she had to be seen by a child psychologist and a team of other professionals along with speaking to me, doing an assessment both at school and in their setting to see how she interacted With people and played, other team members also collated information from her school and also myself as to how she behaves at home before they could finally say “we have given her a diagnosis of ASD”! They don’t just throw these diagnoses out willy nilly, there is a very rigorous process they have to go through before finally reaching a diagnosis.

I think many people are just getting fed up of being expected to tolerate lateness, sorry ‘time-blindness’ and other ‘quirks’.

What irritates me is a lack of understanding that ‘NT’ people are not robots. They also feel anxious, stressed, disappointed, low, bored, overwhelmed etc. They also have bad days, times when their days are chaotic and stressful, employers and kids making demands on their time, illness, not enough hours in the day etc. Yet they are expected to suck it all up and smile benignly whilst others are late or let them down. Because of ‘time blindness’ and a condition that has often been self-‘diagnosed’. NT people can be adversely affected by lateness and other people’s actions. They have feelings too.

I used to be perfectly on time when younger but as I’ve got older I’ve got more time blind. Not sure what’s going on but menopause/ stress/ caring responsibilities probably don’t help. I don’t keep people waiting but I do recognise the last minute panicky “by the skin of my teeth” feeling.

On the subject of early v on time, we went on a coach holiday some years ago. We’d always get instructions for the next day, eg please on the coach by 7.50am so we can leave at 8am. People would start queuing at the bus from 7.30am when we’d be looking out of the hotel window finishing our last cup of coffee and zipping up the cases. We always timed it to get to the coach at 7.45am to put suitcases in the hold so we’d be climbing on board at 7.49 am. We’d be the last on board with people rolling their eyes and tutting and pointing at their watches! The bus always left on time if not early. It got to the point that the rep made a point of saying something about how they appreciated that the tour group was never late as it made their job easier, with a big wink in our direction. We were the youngest on board by a good 20 years, put me off coach holidays to be honest.

I'm the opposite to you. If I had a train to catch at 12 I would do nothing all morning apart from focus on the time. I would get myself ready about 9am and be sitting anxiously waiting. I would then leave the house at 11am at the ABSOLUTE LATEST to allow for every eventuality on the way. I would probably get there around 11.20 and then sit for the remaining time on the platform anxiously waiting for the trains arrival. Lol

Trust me @ExtrovertedIntrovert1 tge colleageues that make sure they are on tine every day are rolling their eyes at you. They are thinking “I wish I could be so lackadaisical with my time keeping and still get paid, then have a good old lol about it on the internet”

i agree with this. Just because the colleagues don’t say anything to that particular poster, doesn’t mean they don’t all think it or talk behind their back. Some places make it an inside joke. “Oh better tell so and so to be here for 8 instead of 9 because you know what they’re like”. But yes I would say that if someone is constantly turning up late while someone has already made the effort to get there early and set everything up then the person who is late just strolls in after everything has been set up then there will be some eye rolls. It is annoying when someone turns up late but still getting paid as if they turned up on time and left someone else to do all the leg work.

@housethatbuiltme ”Executive dysfunction' is not a magic ADHD thing and is really is not remotely a 'unique' or 'rare' condition”

so much this! Also time blindness. Keep me and mum away from a clock for a while - she will give an excellent estimate of what time it is, I don’t have a clue. But no one knows that because anyone who interacts with me is not inconvenienced by it- I look at the time! ND and NT aren’t helpful labels either. Neither is the pathologising of every human feeling.

I don’t know if OP was on a wind up but I think we do all know that is how a late person is thinking. OP wasn’t late by the skin of her teeth, sure. But presenting the post like it’s brand new information- ha ha ha NO.

The only way I've been able to do this is to aim to arrive early, like 20 mins early and bring something to do like send emails or browse shops or swipe dating apps once I'm at the place I've got to get to. Then it doesn't feel like a waste of time.

The other thing is putting phone away but setting an alarm 15 mins before I have to get ready to leave. Then I can do tidying etc in the house but the alarm tells me when I have to stop- if I don't put phone away I start doom scrolling .

Sitting and waiting in a train station for 10 minutes would feel like eons on the other hand.

Well tough, I think you have to accept that feeling and just damn well ignore it.

Or of course keep going as you are and either be late and flustered and upset about being late or be rushed, flustered and just about make it on time.

I have zero sympathy for this, I too have to wait sometimes interminable waits because I'm so early, because every foreseen probability didn't happen. So I'm an hour or more early. Nowadays though we have the internet to entertain us whilst we wait. Used to be papers and magazines. Still can be papers and magazines and a hot drink.

If I had a train to catch at 12 I would do nothing all morning apart from focus on the time. I would get myself ready about 9am and be sitting anxiously waiting.

In that case, wouldn't it be better to leave at 9.00 when you're ready and work in the office or the coffee shop next door until it's time for your meeting? Then you are on time, not stressed, and have had a productive morning.

....as I said, am just as often off late.

If you arrive late, you should finish late. Otherwise you are being paid for time you haven't worked. If you arrived on time, perhaps you wouldn't need to stay late?

Just before leaving by car to catch a train years ago for a much looked forward to family day out in the city, leaving from MIL's house, she said she was just going out to get some groceries from the local shop - and went. No discussion.
We waited 10 minutes for her (we were all ready to go) and we only caught the train by the skin of our teeth. (We had pre-booked and paid for the tickets).
She hates waiting around (and says so loudly )but her need to not wait for a few minutes impacted on the rest of us - we were stressed, flustered and anxious.
Personally I would have gone without her and left her to her shopping but I wasn't the driver.
She doesn't have ADHD and I felt this was about control. I still get annoyed thinking about it!

I think the problem is you're aiming to get there for 12, which is too late. As other people have said, aim to get there 15mins earlier instead

Yep. Some train services have a policy where they close their doors up to 3 minutes before departure. Imagine the shock of the ‘they’ll have to wait around for me potter about-ers” when they get to the platform and they can’t board the train because they didn’t want to get there early and wait around.

Yes, it's quite satisfying to see them throwing their arms up in the air, knocking on the windows, and waving their fists furiously because they have missed the train. 😆 Like 'how DARE you not change all the rules for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?! 😢

😆

Yeah it does seem odd to check in at the GP then pop for a coffee for half hour!!! Who does that?! 😆

They are not always 30 minutes late surely.....? the amount of time late (or early or 'on time' they are,) surely varies!