An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

I feel unreasonably annoyed by this (sorry OP!).

I think I have time blindness and am being assessed for ADHD. But I also have lots of anxiety around being late/keeping people waiting. This means that I'm often painfully early to account for losing track of time. When I had my first job out of university, I'd sit in a coffee shop next door for up to two hours to ensure I wasn't late. If I had the same day as you it would have gone something like:

-Hmm, I need to be on the train at 12. Best make sure I'm in the station for 11 and on the platform for 11:30 to be safe
-3 minute drive and 2 minute walk? 30 minutes should do it, I think?

Alarm set for 10am to give me time to lose keys etc

-9am- I really need to do work but I can't get distracted, maybe I'll just check the weather -9:15- oh crap, is my alarm set?
-9:30 reeeally best send an email to prove I'm working
-9:45 it's nearly 10, best get my bag and go to the car
9:47 huh, that didn't take as long as I thought... I should set off though, I absolutely can't be late!

I also really struggle to do anything productive if I have plans/an appointment in the evening, unless my day is in nice simple chunks. If I'm going out for tea on a Saturday I can't see past needing to be ready for that to get anything else much done 🤷‍♀️

I also resent being early, because I always have a million things to do and therefore dislike the wasted time. So I aim to arrive "just in time", but invariably that ends up being late.

And you wonder why people who arrive on time, or a little early, ready to start whatever is planed (meeting, etc) resent you??? Is your time so much more valuable than mine (in terms of salary, I'd bet not, frankly).

This is entirely different from arriving early for a dinner party or party at someone's house. Then, yes, turn up 10-15 minutes after the 7:30 for 8pm invitation. (But not at 8:15pm, please !).

If everyone assumes a meeting won't start "properly" until 5 minutes after the scheduled time, then the start gets later & more delayed.

It's just self-centred self-regard.

I also resent being early, because I always have a million things to do and therefore dislike the wasted time. So I aim to arrive "just in time", but invariably that ends up being late.
And there in type is perfectly displayed 'my time is more important than yours, even if you're on time I shouldn't have to wait for you, it's you who needs to wait for me'.

I’m very punctual. Hardly ever late and never without good and very unexpected reason.

XH was mostly late. He never missed a plane but it could be close. Some of it I’m sure was deliberate to wind me up but I really think he had no concept of how long things take. Any / all faffing about would happen early in the getting ready, with squeezing in of jobs that took too long too do in the time available and consequently a late start to actually getting ready and a mad rush. For social things he’d be popping into the shower after I’d intended leaving. Very quick at getting ready once he’d begun but excruciatingly slow to start the process.

I like to have enough time to faff about after I’ve arrived. I find running late really awful. My job includes a lot of timed public-facing appointments and with my best efforts and force of will lateness is occasionally inevitable. My running late I mean, because of the appointments overrunning for various reasons. I hate it and find it stressful when it happens. Not their turning up late which is infuriating in its own way!

edited to correct aberrant apostrophe

I could relate the example you gave. I have the same issue - I also think I have plenty of time and engage in other activities, always sprinting to catch a train, for appointments.

In my case, I also think it's a result of childhood trauma and being parentified at early age. I think I genuinely don't have that motivation for things most people do.

I think @aloris nailed your problem with this:

I think in practice it is rare to be precisely on time. We are usually either a bit early or a bit late. If you want to be consistently "a bit early" instead of "a bit late" or "screeching into your destination with tires burning" then you need to accept that there will be some dead time when you arrive at your destination a few minutes early.

You also say that having to wait for 10 minutes would feel like a waste of time. But think how much stress and anxiety that 10 minutes wait would have saved you. It would certainly have saved you the time it took you to type this post!

I too can be guilty of trying to fill every minute of every day so I get you, but I think shifting your mindset to think that a 10 minute wait is not a waste of 10 minutes would be helpful.

The strange thing is, a lot of these people who are persistently late don’t seem to get stressed or anxious about it. They just rock up to the venue cool as a cucumber with some lame excuse about why they’re late. Sometimes they don’t even make an excuse or bother to apologise for being late at all. It’s these type of folk that are usually the potter about-ers who start to do jobs/ chores when they should have actually left the house ages ago. Not saying op is like that as op did seem pretty stressed about it but I have noticed a common pattern with a lot of people who potter about when they should be setting off. It’s as if they feel that the place they need to be at should wait for them!

See I think it's terrible that you think it's "haha" that you're so often late. I'm assuming your employer wouldn't be too thrilled. If you don't like it, do you try and do anything about it? Implement any of the many strategies outlined on here?

No if I were late for something it would be because instead of the half hour I factored in for delays (I'll go with driving to the airport here) there was a multiple car pile up and I was in fact delayed by 4 hours.

Or and this has happened, missed my hospital appointment because without my knowledge (and pre internet) the buses were re routed, I could not foresee this, I could not change this and I was literally hopping from one foot to the other while wondering if I should sprint to the next stop or the one after or even the one after that or would I start running and then miss this bus.
But never was I late because lazy or rude.

For others, you need a place for everything. Once you walk in your door unless theres an earthquake you need to put your keys, wallet, brolly, charger, whatever back in exactly the same place. You cannot get distracted in that 2 minutes. Cannot. I've had to learn this too. I once locked myself in my house for two days, I had no idea where my keys were. I spent half a day looking for them, turned my house upside down, no sign. I was locked in with the kids too. I decided then, never again. My keys go in a set place at all times and always in my right pocket of whatever I'm wearing. Always, no exceptions. My phone in my left pocket.

On time people aren't really on time, they are early, they left the cups on the side, they heard the alarm at 11 and stopped working then, they decided 15 minutes waiting at the station was fine, they could doom scroll or read a book. They got their bag ready earlier in the morning, they have a place for the necessary things like phone, keys, charger, shoes. They decided yesterday what they were wearing, they also on occasion wore the blue shoe and the black shoe out and hoped no one noticed because fuck, they were running late already.

I will say this as someone who is 99% of the time early.
When I am late there is always a very good reason, something I could not control.
When I end up waiting for someone, my first thought is their delay was unavoidable, as I am nice that way.
Then I wait for them to call after 10 mins to apologise.

When I find out they were just late because they couldn't be bothered. Well, yes I call them that in my head and wonder why I bother.!

Yes, I can tell you what your colleagues think of you as well @ExtrovertedIntrovert1 Because there's only one thing more annoying than someone who is late 50% of the time, and that's someone who's so lol-ing flippant about it. Trust me, they know.

This. ^ Some gaslighting going on there. (Attempts at it anyway!) Being early is part of the problem of being late? What utter rot.

This!! Colleagues like that DO get talked about or at least people start to get annoyed and even dislike them when they all make the effort to turn up to work on time. There were a couple of women at my work place who were persistently late for no good reason, just put pressure on the other person they were working with to get everything prepared for the morning ahead. I used to be literally swear about them under my breath.

But that poster ISN'T early, and she is NOT being 'impolite.'

She is getting to the town early, (where the meeting or appointment is,) because she has given herself lots of extra time in case of traffic jams, late or slow trains, or issues on the underground etc... Then if there are not any issues she goes for a Costa or a Starbucks to pass the extra half hour to an hour, before going to where she needs to be at the time she needs to be there... Try reading her post again!

Entertaining thread.

Being early is part of the problem of being late
Being on time is so working class don't you know
People who are early love waiting around in the rain, the sad fools
Being on time is smug and arrogant

You should read the post where someone said that being early / late is down to your class ie upper/middle or working class. The poster said they are upper/middle class themselves and that it’s polite to arrive a few minutes late and then trying to claim that only the working class are on time early due to the ‘on the dot clocking on system at the work place’ 🤣
Talk about gaslighting at its finest!

Edit: just noticed you replied to that poster after replying to my post.

If you know you have time blindness, you need to start your routine much earlier. Are you late for work or just social things? Your time is not more valuable than other people’s.

LOL, that's priceless. 😆 Probably think it's a LADY'S prerogative to be 'fashionably late!' 😂

100% this. ^ You should aim to be EARLY, not 'on time.' The chances of you getting to a place in say, 8 minutes, if that is the time it says on google maps yada yada, is not guaranteed. There can be multiple delays. LEAVE EARLIER than you 'need' to leave.

Don't expect the world to revolve around YOU, because you CBA to make an effort to make it on time/early. If you get there 'too early' - as has been said, just read a magazine or a book for a bit, or go for a coffee etc, or a bit of a walk. Much better than cutting it fine and being late/making everyone wait for you!!! The 'jumping through the closing doors on the train/tube' people fuck me right off.

This all reminds me vividly of when I went to a concert with a coach company about 15 years ago with my (then teenage) children. We went to the Birmingham NEC, and the coach was leaving at 11:15 pm. There were 50 people on the trip, and a party of 3 were late. They didn't get there until 5 past midnight. 50 minutes after the bus was due to leave. 50 fucking minutes! Everyone else was on time, (or early!) The concert finished at around 10.20pm, and the walk back to the coach was around 15-17 minutes. Giving people a good half hour window to go to the loo, or buy merchandise.

What these 3 eejits had done was piss around in the bar after the concert had finished, (necking booze,) and they came back stinking of it. Making everybody else wait for nearly an hour after departure time. Giggling and falling about, and thinking it was hilarious. I really think the coach should have left without them, but they weren't allowed to apparently. Members of staff at the NEC, and the driver, and the rep/steward off the trip, were off all over the place looking all around the NEC area, which is MASSIVE, for these three selfish c*nts, who couldn't be bothered to get to the coach on time.

Everyone scowled at them as they got onto the coach nearly an hour late, but they didn't give a shit. This type of ignorant selfish arsehole doesn't.

As a late person myself, the best thing that works is setting all my clocks a few minutes forward.

I still leave when I think I need to but I actually have some time over and above for things like the busy High St, parking etc etc.

My keys go in a set place at all times and always in my right pocket of whatever I'm wearing. Always, no exceptions. My phone in my left pocket.

And a spare set which always live in a drawer or wherever for emergencies like locking yourself in.

I bet the too posh to be on time folk expect the working class plebs to be on time for them. God forbid their cleaner, hairdresser, yoga teacher, children's violin teacher, maths tutor or swimming teacher turn up late and keep them waiting.

Edit because I changed my mind halfway through about what I wanted to say.

If that post was genuine and not a wind up, it’s either a view of a professional role from someone who has only ever worked hourly wage jobs (see the belief she should be ‘paid extra’ for bring ready to start on time - that’s justified with hourly pay not salary) or alternatively it’s someone who doesn’t understand the difference between business and social events and for some bizarre reason thinks the ‘it’s not polite to arrive dead on time’ idea applies to 30 minute meetings as much as 6 hour parties.

If the latter, I bet she’s really unpopular with her colleagues!

My main motivation is not wanting to let others down. Hence I am always early. That’s fine.

Reading this thread has not made me more understanding. It has made me quite irritated actually.

I once ended a friendship because of really selfish lateness. No diagnosis. Life is much better without them.

I think people are probably worse about time-keeping these days as well because they'll think that they can just text someone to say they are running late.

Whereas back in the day, you knew that the person was hanging around wondering where you were, if they had the right place and time etc. So you made a bit more effort to get there on time (or at least no more than 5-10 mins late).

I think I am lucky with my friends, when we agree to do things they arrive on time or within 5 minutes.

My mum takes a neighbour out once a week who no longer drives. She'd go over the road to get her and she was never ready. So after a few weeks of this, she just said, I will meet you at my car, I am leaving at (eg) 10am and left at 10. The neighbour apparently went over at 10.45 and said "I came over but you weren't there" and my mum said "yes I said I was leaving at 10 and I left at 10). The neighbour is always ready for 10am now! So it shows it can be done if you want it enough.

With GPs, if you are early, and they have a free slot, they'll see you early.

Or at least they did when they saw people in person.