An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

Yeah...no.

If I'm early(most of the times) then that's me time. I actually have stuff to do , either practical or for leisure. The counting starts at the time we're supposed to meet up.

“I think it's definitely cultural and class is part of that”
Yeah ok whatever!

Well they must be very relaxed GPs where you are then! 🤣 Most GPs I have come across can’t be arsed with those who check in and then ‘disappear next door’ because that person assumes the GP will be running 30 minutes late. If you’re not there when they call you in they will see the next patient. If they call you in again and you’re still ‘next door’ they will simply mark you as ‘did not attend’ because they’re generally not psychic to know that you popped into the cafe next door and when you finally do decide to emerge, you would simply be told the GP had already called you but you were not there and will now have to re book! Oh and they don’t ’make you sit and wait 30 mins after your appointment time’ they are usually running late due to reasons beyond their control ie. A patient might need slightly longer time, a referral or hospital admission might need to be done for a patient that was before you. They don’t choose to make you sit and wait on purpose

”it doesn’t make sense to turn up on time”
Really? That is probably the most arrogant think I’ve actually read on this entire thread!

No, it’s a question of the appropriate behaviour for the appropriate situation- that’s the norm, not that different classes take different approaches. Going to a party- absolutely, you shouldn’t be on the dot. Meeting a friend for coffee- be on time. Catching a train- good luck being late for that 😭

There's plenty, if you Google, about cultural perceptions of timekeeping, particularly with reference to capitalism and working class punctuality, but also, of course, different countries and cultures.

Absolutely, re GPs, but it still means you're kept waiting a very long time if you arrive on time.

But there’s many occasions where a GP is running on time. I’ve known GPs run before time and have been sat waiting for their next patient to arrive. You can’t just assume they are going to be running late every single time!

The class thing - I’m not sure what your point is apart from trying to justify why you think it’s ok to be late or keep other people waiting for you!

@Perpetuallydaisy but surely your GP knows you are 'upper middle class' and therefore clearly more important than any working class pleb patients so shouldn't be kept waiting any longer than the polite few minutes? Time for a GP with better judgement?

Don't be so silly!

I'm rarely late. I was just pointing out there are cultural differences and class differences.

By your logic, most middle class professionals are on salary. It’s only the working class on an hourly wage who expect extra money for prep time.

Should I take it your bizarre views on starting meetings on time are because you actually are working class and don’t actually know how a professional job works?

Just reading the OP has stressed me out! If I had to be on a train at 12pm, I would want to be in my car ready to drive at 11:30am at the very latest!

Agree with PPs saying that people who are consistently late don’t value other people’s time. There’s no excuse, they are choosing to be late by not giving themselves enough time. Are they late for work every single day? Or late to important appointments or events? I think not, so if they can get to these things on time then I expect them to be able to get to social events on time too.

Just reading the OP has stressed me out! If I had to be on a train at 12pm, I would want to be in my car ready to drive at 11:30am at the very latest!

I've been thinking about this today and it stresses me out 😂

I actually think like a pp, if I had to get the 12pm, I'd get the 11am instead.

So by that logic, op and all the others who are persistently late must be upper/ middle class citizens and us that arrive on time are lower class peasants then? I’m not sure how ‘class’ has anything to do with someone claiming they can’t be on time due to their bad time keeping.

Your posts are on a par with those who find it too boring and painful to wait at a train station for 10 - 15 minutes and would rather stay at home doing chores in that time instead and be late!

I have ADHD and am time blind.

For journeys you know you need to make - for example Gym, Train for Work etc.

Make a list of everything that needs to happen before you leave, working backwards. Including what needs to be packed in your bag, documents that you need to take etc.

Writing the list is key. Do not. Do not rely on your brain.

Save the list in your phone as a note. Also put it in a plastic pocket and stick it on a notice board.

You now know how long the whole she-bang takes in reality. You can shave time off it if, for example, your bag is packed the night before etc. Anything extra that is needed is extra time.

You can refine it more by making sure you have set places where things live - need your work pass? It's always on the back of the door etc.

I literally have a list called Work Bag so I know exactly what is meant to go in it etc. I also have a Morning Routine list etc.

Always leave a buffer etc.

Another good tip when I am at risk of faffing is I start to count in seconds. If I know I have 2 minutes I will start to count to 120 etc.

I also have an Alexa Dot. I actually have one in every room. I use it all the time.

Oops. I’m also late to work at least 50% of the time!! Luckily I have an earlier start time than my colleagues so nobody ever knows haha… and I’m so ridiculously bad with time I generally leave late too so it all works out.
Im always running on to the platform as the train pulls in. It’s like I have a deficiency in time management. It’s so annoying and I get so mad at myself!! I hate reading the threads where people find it rude because I know that’s what people must think of me.

I'm sorry you've been getting unsympathetic reactions from people who just don't get how ADHD brains work/fail to work.

I'm old now, so my way of coping is by developing what an old friend of mine calls 'train fever'. It's such a horror of being late that you end up being pathologically early.

But not quite, in my case. Early, but not pathologically.
I do all that stuff about laying out my kit beforehand - the night before if possible - make sure everything is in my bag, my phone is charged, etc. etc.
Allow an insane amount of time for getting to the station: traffic lights, traffic jams, school days.
Allow time for parking at a distance if the carpark is full.
Where I live the ticket machines on the platforms are unreliable, so I leave time to cross the bridge to a machine that works.
If you can buy your ticket online, so much the better.

And I make sure I have something good to read if I have to wait.

If I have the luxury of waiting.

It is a luxury to wait. Allow yourself that luxury.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you are getting so much stick from the virtuous people on here who can't imagine that anyone else might be wired differently.

Another thing I do is when I am making the list of what I need to do is imagine the slowest, least stressed version of myself doing it. This helps me be more realistic about time.

There will always be something that crops up - dropping something before you leave, a phone call that overran etc. but you just control as much as you can.

You need to have a "leaving" time (when you cease other 'in the house' actions and begin the sequence of actions directly connected to leaving the house, like shoes, dog etc) and also an "in the car/driving off" time (which is when you actually expect the journey time to be counted from).
I had/have the issue you do about the 'missing' getting ready faff time and I am certain that at least 50% is literally just a semantic issue that I think "leaving" is the start of the "going out" sequence (because to me that is the first step of leaving the house) but most of the rest of the world uses that term for the moment of driving off, so all the messages I've ever internalised about timekeeping and how to judge it just skip that getting ready period without accounting for it (which is pretty much exactly the amount I'd be late by).

I'm also genuinely impressed that you went back to the email after the alarm and managed to both a) concentrate sufficiently to actually send the email despite knowing you needed to go soon and b) didn't forget that you were in the process of leaving due to concentrating on sending the email and only look up from the computer 40 minutes and three other admin tasks later.

Folks this is a leg pull

I don't think this is totally true.

It does absolutely depend on situation of course, a dinner party is not a work shift.

But especially with things like parties or expectations around social events, there can be class differences around these expectations. Just like there can be in different countries.

I think it's a pretty common observation that, at least in English speaking countries, social events among the working classes tend to expect a more punctual arrival at the time stated, whereas in the upper middle class that would be considered too early. (Though there is also regional variation on that but I think that tends to be around how late you are supposed to be. Where I live, it's typically 20 minutes to half an hour.)

My favorite example of someone having a misguided cultural time appreciation was a friend who arrived for a wedding a full day after the date he had been given - and he was still more than a day early!

FWIW I hate being late - as a result of a chronically late mother. I've developed all the tricks people have mentioned because I am naturally scatterbrained.

But I run into real trouble where there are a lot of schedule changes. I consistently get mixed up, and I have never figured out a good way to overcome it.

Here's the bit I have a few thoughts about:

^11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as now its raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house, get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?!^

You were nowhere near done, nor were you ready to go.
You needed to find your coat, your shoes, your keys (x2?), your umbrella, and your phone charger. That is five or perhaps six items that should have been laid out and ready. You should know where all of those things are at all times.

Why were there cups that should have been in the dishwasher but weren't in the dishwasher?

I'm getting a mental picture of a house where cups and necessary items are not where they should be - would this be fair?

Overall, your level of commitment to getting to the train on time wasn't there.
You had to touch up your makeup and hair, and needed items had to be located.

Are you generally a very anxious person? Sometimes anxious people fixate on things that don't need to be done right there and then (cups out of the dishwasher could have waited until you got home, and you could have touched up your makeup and hair when you were comfortably sitting on the train) as a way to manage anxiety. Movement and action sometimes feel better than time spent sitting and feel anxious - on a train for instance, as it fills up. It all becomes a vicious cycle. Being late and fearing you'll be late adds fuel to the basic anxiety.

The items you needed or might have needed should have been set out near the door you planned to leave out of. Many people put their umbrellas in a specific place. Look into self sabotage - did you really want to get onto the train and go today? Do you believe in yourself in the role that involved the train trip?

People who are on time are on time because they value being on time, so therefore they set their minds to it and plan.

If you wish and want to be on time but don't plan how you're going to manage that, then it's a sign you DFAF - or at the very least, it's not something you value.

I've never made anyone wait over 10 mins that's taking the piss, it's more like 2-3 mins if I'm late. Being 5 mins early should be sufficient, I don't see the need for any more than that. I mean yes there could be traffic but that's outside anyone's control even the people who are 15 mins early could end up late if traffic is bad enough.

But I do agree there is nothing worse than that panicked feeling when you realise you're going to be late despite your best efforts before you even left the house.

Who knows maybe IDGAF, I have depression and OCD and things have to be done a certain way, it's hard to leave the house at all.

My son is like this.

He's even missed a plane that had obviously been prepaid!!!

It's still not taught him a lesson.

It drives me absolutely nuts and it's so rude too!