An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

My friend has got better but its tiring waiting on her. Then shocked if I have other apts later and get up to go. Im not sure how her husband manages her for flight times etc! Im a panicky person so for me time keep is important my parents were good with times too.

Your problem is thinking you can fit the little bits in between the actual things you need to do.

OK hair and make up - but then you decided to do the dishwasher too. Just think no, I'll do it later, do not want to be late. It's better to be early than late.

As someone way earlier in the thread said, don't think of it as wasted time, think of it as a relaxing buffer.

And no, it's not ADHD just being late all the time, but it doesn't surprise me that it's one of the first comments.

One time, we were meting at a large building neither of us knew. I wasn't late, but we got mixed up about where to meet so I went to a different door to her. When she arrived and I wasn't there, she waited five minutes then flounced off home in a strop! Wasn't OK for HER to be kept waiting

Did you point out the double standard?

@focacciamuffin · Today 08:46

It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park

I don’t have an opinion on the rest of it but this is ridiculous. A three minute drive? Surely it’s quicker, and better in so many ways, just to walk straight to the station? Even if it’s pissing down you aren’t going to get much wetter than on the walk from the car park.

@deviantfeline · Today 08:51

Erm I live a rural area not in the UK. It's a 3 minute drive but a 35 minute walk up a hill that has no pavement or street lights.

I thought that was a daft comment too. 'Why don't you just walk the 3 minute drive to the station?!' LOL. Where I live, in 3 minutes, you will have driven 1.75 to 2 miles. That's roughly 35 to 40 minutes walk. compared to a 3 MINUTE DRIVE. And of COURSE you will get much wetter on a 35-40 minute walk compared to a quick dash from your car into the railway station (which will very likely be 20 seconds in the rain!) Batshit comment @focacciamuffin 😆

@deviantfeline As many posters have said - you are not giving yourself anywhere NEAR enough time. No way would I be leaving my house at 11.40am if my train was midday. I would want to BE at the station for then. Would much rather be early and sit down reading the paper/scrolling though my phone, than miss the train.

Even if it's only a 3 minute drive, you could be delayed by slow traffic/ tractors/ Sunday drivers/ cyclists/ a collision/ cattle or sheep on the road (you said you live rural!) And then you have to get a parking space! You may have to get a ticket too. That takes time.

Empressaurus yes she sent me a whiny email about me not being there and I sent one back giving her both barrels! It was the end of the friendship, I just couldn't believe the hypocrisy after the amount of time I'd stood around waiting for her!

I've found communicating hard stop times to my timeblind friend seems to help. "Let's meet at 3pm but I have to leave by 4pm". Her FOMO seems to kick in as if she's late, her fun activity is shortened.

It's better if my reason to leave at 4pm involves a third party, real or imaginary - if it's only me involved she thinks I'm being inflexible and punishing.

Writing this and my previous post out, makes me realise how much I "manage" her. It's exasperating.

I have no sympathy OP. I used to have a friend who would arrive two or three hours late. She'd just laugh and give a half-hearted apology. I'm no longer in contact. It's lazy and entitled.

I have no sympathy OP. I used to have a friend who would arrive two or three hours late. She'd just laugh and give a half-hearted apology. I'm no longer in contact. It's lazy and entitled.

But that isn't like OP though. She explained the processes that still seem to trip her up, but she made an effort and did catch the train.

It's the 11.32 bit that stands out to me (as an on-time person). The rest of the stuff I could 'see' myself doing but still be on time. But for example, I never need to 'look' for charger, car keys, coat, shoes, umbrella, because I always leave them in the same place, (and a rational place so for most of those things, e.g. by the front door), so just pick them up and go. I could see the time expanding if there was something extra I needed ('Amy will be at the meeting I'll just go and get her birthday card' or 'oh no there's a hole in my tights I'll have to go and change them'), but you know you are going to need those things every time you leave the house, so you ideally you shouldn't need to ever waste time 'looking' for them. If I'm going to wear specific shoes that aren't normally there I'll put them ready the night before.

Same with putting cups in the dishwasher. Once I've finished drinking tea I will pick up the cup the next time I get up and put it in the dishwasher there and then. So I'm either actively drinking out of the cup or it's in the dishwasher. There's no interim step whereby several cups are on the counter or one in the office, one in the bedroom etc. and then need to be gathered.

To me it sounds like you are putting in completely unnecessary steps into your routine that don't need to be there. BTW I don't mean any of that to come across as mean, I completely understand it's just how different brains are wired and you aren't doing any of it for fun. But just if it helps. I mean it's not any easier to have 5 different places your keys or an umbrella could be, so I don't 'get' why anyone wouldn't just always put them in the same place?

The only other bit is the 'make-up and hair need refreshing' - if you then went out in the rain, got flustered when you couldn't find a car park, and ran for the train your hair and makeup were probably worse than if you hadn't bothered so I would have left that until I was at the station and then done it in the toilets once I was there with 10 mins to spare. Or I would have sent the 'just one last email' on the train.

Or of course if you have a laptop/phone for work you could bypass it all entirely, get the 11 o clock train, get to meeting location for an hour early and just work from there/a coffee shop so you know you won't miss it! That's another habit I notice late people have, they always get the last possible transport that will get them to their destination on time, and then are shocked and surprised if it's late or cancelled. Whereas others will get the train/bus before the one they need to if at all possible so there's always a back up.

That last sentence - that’s your issue.

I don’t have the time blindness that you have described but I would never leave myself such tight margins to get to a train I needed to get.

In your scenario I would have aimed to get to the PLATFORM at 1145-1150 at the very latest. So I would have given myself 10 minutes for potential parking issues, 5 mins for your estimated journey, 5 mins at least for unexpected driving delays (your zebra crossing issue, or a slow light etc) and worked in a 5-10 minute faff about leaving the house.

So I would have left the house at 1120 ish - if all went well then I’d have been very early to the station. Which is why I always have a book with me, or do the last minute email from my phone at the station.

Your issue is not wanting to wait ten minutes at the station - that’s the minimum I would be waiting.

If you know you have time blindness you need to double the time you think you need and leave early - you will risk being early a sometimes that will be hanging around more - but you won’t be late.

What I’m struggling to understand is why when you look at the clock it’s 2.30 and when you look at it again it’s much later but you still think it’s going to be 2.30. Time ticks away, we learnt that at school. If you start doing tasks at 2.30 then it isn’t going to be 2.30 when you finish doing them is it. It’s this logic I’m trying to understand??

Mainly because it doesn't feel like it passed. Well, it kind of does but only like two minutes the most (lots of 30 seconds jobs that in reality take a lot more) . Then your prick brain not only doesn't register the actual time it took, but it congratulates you for how many jobs you got done in such little time ,giving you a big high and sense of accomplishment and you CAN do this (which you tend to crave again), followed by actually looking as the clock and realising the actual time and there comes the low with ffs , I did it again , I'm so stupid, bla bla bla. Which often makes you even more late due to all the negative feelings and panic/freeze.

I read it as someone who isn't organised. Excuses on persistent lateness are boring to the people being made to wait.

You caught the train, so why the big deal? You made an effort & weren’t late. It’s the late people that are rude, selfish and inconsiderate. And don’t they take umbrage when it is pointed out to them. There is this huge disconnect with how they see themselves- clever, creative, kind & ditzy- and how they come across - self centred, annoying and not too bright.

Maybe it is. But you’re acting all bewildered that people resent the lost time that comes with being early. I’m just making the point that what you see as a lovely way to wile away a few spare minutes is actually painful for some of us. We’re just as baffled by your way of doing things as you are by ours.

I've never heard this idea before that late people are late because they hate to waste time. My own experience of late people is that they waste time chronically, then rush when the pressure is on. I'm a bit like this myself so I get the pissing about then rushing.

I honestly can't picture the busy, productive people running late because they hate to waste ten precious minutes standing on a train platform (or, as I commonly do, sitting on the train before it leaves).

pp have suggested meeting the late people late

but this is exactly what happens. I’ve been there too.

I mentioned it on here and had lots of posters telling me that the late person saw me as the reliable one so it was upsetting for them!

I wasn’t late on purpose, the Tube was stuck underground with no lights etc. of course that was the one time this person wasn’t late and her anger was very specific - she said if I’d left as early as I usually do, I’d not have been on the tube that got stuck. And she was very angry when I pointed out she was always late. Said “so what? You could have gone to the shops”. Very cross when I pointed out so could she. Then said “I was worried about you because you’re never late”. I pointed out there was a big sign at the station saying a train was stuck in a carriage.

@deviantfeline btw I read this because I was interested in the replies. I had a flatmate who saw time the way you do so I know the process. It feels pointless to make suggestions.

Well if you are never late or rushing and almost late then your way is working for you so this discussion isn’t relevant.

Doesn’t seem to be working well for the OP.

Being early isn’t lost time if you fill it with something else while you wait.

OP could have done the emails she did at home. She could have ‘touched up her hair and make up’ and she could have done both those things on the train if delays had caused her to be right on time and not early.

Unless you never read a book, a magazine, listen to the news, email people, scroll on Mumsnet etc then being early means you have time for all of that then. You don’t have to meditate or simply sit there staring into space.

What’s to resent in that scenario?

But it’s fairly obvious that when you set your mind on doing something, that time will be ticking away regardless of what time it ‘feels like’ to you. This is what I absolutely cannot get my head around whatsoever. I get times myself where say a Sunday might ‘feel’ like more of a Saturday. Doesn’t mean it’s actually Saturday though when in reality it’s Sunday. You wouldn’t start doing things on a Sunday that you would normally do on a Saturday ie. Rock up to work on a Sunday when you work Saturdays.

Just because it ‘feels’ or ‘doesn’t feel’ like a particular time, the time hasn’t frozen between the start of you doing a task and the time you finish it. This is where common sense prevails surely and your reasoning and explanation is what I just simply cannot get my head around or understand.

I am chronically early for everything because I have an anxiety disorder so plan for any possible spanner in the works.

I also massively over-estimate how much time anything will take and like to get everything done as soon as possible so am frequently standing outside my local shop waiting for it to open at 7am despite already knowing it only takes me 7 minutes to walk there but I still leave at 6.50 and then get annoyed when inevitably, it doesn't open at 7 but at a few minutes past.

I've wasted hours of my life walking round the block in crap weather because i'm at least 30 minutes early for appointments or meeting friends.

Which means if they're late, even by 10/15 minutes, i'm already pissed off but I have to suck it up and pretend it's fine because complaining about people being late seems to be unacceptable, I should stop being obsessive, let it go, be sympathetic because they might have ADHD or should know that 8pm means anytime between 8 and 8.30..

And then most of the time, people don't even apologise for being late.

But what really gives me the rage is when i'm meeting someone at say 7, so me being me i'm there between 6.30 and 6.45 but will get a text at 6.55 saying 'just leaving now', when they're at least 30 minutes away! And just 'because', no apology or explanation or telling me why they didn't let me know earlier, which they must have known since they weren't ready.

Then they cheerily arrive as if nothings happened and I have to pretend i'm not pissed off because I don't want to start the evening off on a shitty note. I have ended friendships in the past because of it. Not because of the lateness, but the lack of apology and feeling like they didn't really give a shit about me, my time or inconveniencing me while they arse about taking all the time in the world.

Same with meetings at work, in person or online. Arriving on time or early while other people drift in over 5-10 minutes after it's supposed to start then get themselves a coffee or have to take a few minutes to read minutes, chat or whatever, then look at me like i'm the asshole when we're over-running and I say i'm leaving because we should have finished 10 minutes ago anyway.

And that's an insight into the mind of someone who is chronically early 🙂

@MorrisZapp it’s new to me as well. I used to think MN wasn’t terribly representative of real life but I am changing that view so am reading with interest.

How is it painful? I’m sorry but if you need to be somewhere at a certain time then just get there for that time fgs. I’m sure other people find it extremely painful waiting around in a train station with a coffee while waiting for the train in the middle of winter when it’s cold and frosty - yes I find that very painful myself as I hate winter but if you HAVE to be somewhere at a certain time then you have to BE there. You can’t just keep others waiting or almost miss a train (or even miss a train for that matter) just because you decided to potter about doing other stuff in the house when you should have been on your way to the station because you find waiting at a station for 10 minutes too ‘painful’! Jesus Christ. Again, I’m struggling to understand the logic of why you’d make yourself potentially late for say an important meeting just because you find waiting around too ‘painful’.

Unfortunately waiting around is something everyone else has to do to make sure they are where they should be on time. Why do you feel you are an exception to this?

How much time would you be sat waiting on the platform if you missed your train?

This sounds so sad when I read it back but I'm a chronic worrier and never ever late....I would have allocated every single event time and given myself a 10 minute train buffer. So sorting dog is 5 minutes, hair 5 minutes, make up 5 minutes etc. I would have aimed to leave at 11.30am. I also would have had another alarm 15 minutes before needed, to let myself know to start finishing up and packing away, therefore leaving the desk at 11am. Things like the dishwasher and packing my bag would have already been done or I would have been distracted all morning and unable to concentrate. Last minute things like dog and shoes cant be helped but would have had allocated time for them.

There's nothing worse for me than anxiety or panic so I try to eliminate it.

This is EXACTLY that selfish mindset.

No one else is loving standing round waiting, we make the best of it because we have too... you are not special, why do you think this applies to only you?

You do not get magic special rules that say you're exempt from what everyone else has to do as a basic of polite/functional society just because you don't like it. Nobody 'likes' standing at a bus stop in the rain etc... but people have respect for others.

The very ironic thing is that waiting 10 minutes is so 'boring' to you you think fuck everyone else but then miss the train/bus whatever and keep the other person waiting an extra hour until the next one because you don't give a shit about anyone else.

That hour they are wasting waiting on you maybe in the cold/rain/with nowhere to sit/unable to work or relax etc... because they arrived on time and are now stuck standing at the station without you is far more painful than 10 minutes you couldn't be arsed to wait to be on time for the train.

So if you agree to meet someone at a specific time, do you tell them you’re often late & arrange to meet somewhere like a coffee shop where they can wait in comfort?