An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

But is it useful if it causes you to miss a train/piss off a friend?

That dishwasher can be unloaded later.

I think you just need to make sure that you have a significant time buffer, always.

Even if it means you're early and, as you said in one of your comments that it feels like waiting for a train 10 minutes would feel like eons. Just bring a book (can download Kindle on your phone)!

For sure work backwards.

12:00 train to depart
11:45 latest on platform
11:40 parked up
11:35 get to car park
11:25 leave home (looks like it only takes 5 minutes but always add 5 as a buffer i.e. leave 10 minutes before)
11:00 is a hard stop, go to toilet, make sure you are starting to put coat on etc

Surely keys should always be in your handbag that presumably you have in the hallway or similar? I always have my wallet, small bag of essential make up (so this can be done on the train or in the car park when parked up). If you always leave your keys in the handbag you always know where you have them!

Mobile should be charged overnight in the same place. Unless really bad battery, would you really need to charge again? If so, always have a power bank swapped onto the lead when you remove your mobile from the charger.

Make up done after morning shower, and first thing. Shouldn't need a touch up but, if you absolutely do, then you have you mini essentials in your handbag and can do en route.

All the bits for the meeting should be packed the night before. Makes it a few less things to 'clutter' your mind on the morning of.

Count backwards, aim to be anywhere 15 minutes early and add a buffer of 30 minutes and you'd be good to go.

Habits, clear places for things and 30 minute buffer.

Maybe if you treat other people's time as valuable you might see some of your 'distractions' and procrastinations in a different light.

Precisely! It is extremely selfish! I find it painful on a cold winter’s morning waiting for a train because I hate winter and I absolutely hate being cold. But I do it because I HAVE to, because I can’t let the rest of the team down, because I’ve been given a specific time to be at a specific place, because I’m punctual and reliable and because I know it could have repercussions for not just me but for everyone else who has to wait for me.

I would never think “oh fuck it, far too painful to get everything prepared the night before so I’ll do it now when I should be in the car because I don’t want to sit and wait 10 minutes at the station, I find it far too painful so I may or may not miss the train but that doesn’t matter because I have a god given right to make other people feel ‘too painful’ while they wait for me to catch the next train”!!

yup. As I said earlier loads of us (the majority of us) can't tell time by feel so we use clocks and alarms.

Basically, if you are neurodiverse, asking for tips on being on time is like asking how to mask. Yes you can use the techniques and do it but just be aware that masking is draining and can mess up your day.
I have basically realised that I can either be on time for meetings or I can get on with something before hand. If there's a meeting I know I need to go to I basically can't concentrate until afterwards.
So throw in a few meetings dotted around the day and basically I'm only going to get a few hours work done.

Tbf it’s like explaining what the colour blue is like to a blind person. You can’t . Unless you see it/feel it for yourself.

And yes, I also really struggle when I think it’s a different day and actually start/do jobs that are meant to be done that day. Luckily, because my life is really structured and full of routine, it doesn’t make a massive difference. It still bugs the crap out of me and unsettles /startles me whenever I realise it’s Tuesday not Wednesday.

And if it a non working day , and I thought it was I spend the whole day feeling/thinking I’m supposed to be somewhere and I’m not or that I’m forgetting something (the something being what day it is and that I’m supposed to be at home).

@CatrionaBalfour I'm not saying people should give up because their lateness is criticised. I'm saying that's what a lot of people do, as a coping strategy, when they feel nothing they do is ever good enough. I've worked with ND young people's mental health, and the number of times I've had to say to parents, please, please recognise the effort your kids are putting in to do something like being on time, even if they don't always get it perfectly right, because it takes more time for new habits and strategies to be learned. Criticism that isn't constructive is rarely helpful - it's shaming and that often leads to complete avoidance, because that's human psychology, whether you think it should be the case or not.

Which is fair enough but op blatantly ignored their alarm, later decided to do a makeup touch up, looked at the clock and it was 11.32 and then decided to search for shoes, coat, umberella, keys etc (all which could have been organised and ready the night before btw) and then without looking at the clock again to check how much time was left, decided there was still somehow enough time to start loading the dish washer, search for phone and charger, kiss the dog and give it a treat. That is why I’m saying I can’t understand the logic of why someone would go on what time it ‘feels’ like rather than actually using the damn clock and the alarm that they chose to ignore whilst still continuing to type an email! I just cannot get my head around it no matter how much someone tries to explain it to me.

It still doesn’t register with me unfortunately. There is a huge difference trying to explain the colour blue to a blind person who has lived their whole life and never been able to see and someone who can actually see and have access to a clock. OP knew what time to be at the station for, op can clearly see a clock, is able to set an alarm but chose to ignore it.

I can’t get my head around someone who thinks that if they start to search for things at 11.32, load a dishwasher and give their dog a treat and a kiss that they will somehow think it’s still 11.32 when they finish.

Yes it’s probably natural for a lot of people to feel a bit put out by the feeling of it being a different day than it really is, my point is because it feels like it’s a certain day, doesn’t mean it actually is.

Too much faffing around that you need to take into account. Add 30 minutes to an hour's faff time on top of the time you plan to leave. I'd always rather be ridiculously early than late when possible.

I am incredibly disorganised. I just think I'll leave on time and then I do. I try and consider other people rather than thinking the world revolves around me.

And yet…many still make spelling mistakes. It also goes beyond simple spelling, there are many things that dyslexics struggle (a lot overlaps with ADHD) with and it’s not as simple as ‘do this to avoid that’. If that’s all any of us needed to do there’d be no issues 💁🏽‍♀️

^ Exactly this

This is good to remember, time blindness works both ways (too early or too late), it’s just that other people notice and are affected by the lateness.

Oh god when I have to get to the airport I am so early, it’s incredibly stressful and travel isn’t enjoyable for me at all because I’m also imagining every possible thing that could go wrong and therefore get there HOURS before necessary.

I could never travel with anyone who said they just needed to arrive 2 hours before the flight, I’d have to make my own way there 😂

Sure. Then aim to be on that platform at 11am. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself there as the train pulls in.

@Mumofnarnia I can’t get my head around someone who thinks that if they start to search for things at 11.32, load a dishwasher and give their dog a treat and a kiss that they will somehow think it’s still 11.32 when they finish

That’s because there’s a problem with the way the brain processes that information (the time). It isn’t as simple as being able to see a clock, it’s an issue with UNDERSTANDING the passage of time.

I’ve worked with children with learning disabilities (this is an example, I’m not saying that OP has a LD), there were certain concepts they just could not get their head around.

If you can accept that, I can’t get my head around how you can’t understand that there are many different ways the inability to process certain information can affect people.

Try caring. If you actually cared you wouldn't be late. You might pretend you care, even convince yourself, but the reality is clear to everyone else by your persistent inability to consider other people

I tell you what you could do in future, @deviantfeline : book a taxi to pick you up at, say, 11.00. That would concentrate the mind and relieve you of worries about parking. Then at the end of the day you could walk home, downhill.

They should have a special lounge for the anxiously early.

With lots and lots of servers and loos so that we wouldn’t have to queue for anything.

The more I’m reading through this thread and the more people are trying to blame ADHD as an excuse and the more people with ADHD coming forward and saying they are able to manage their time (albeit a lot of them do find it difficult but manage anyway) just tells me that ADHD is probably not always the issue or not as much as people like to blame it on ADHD. Some have posted that they’re undiagnosed ADHD but how do they really know they have ADHD without a diagnosis?

Yes I get people who are neurodiverse/ ADHD or whatever may struggle more but the majority of people who do have these conditions seem to have been able to seek the relevant support and are able to manage their time.

The more I read the more it seems to be people with complete selfish attitudes who seems to be the ones who are always late for everything. Excuses like they don’t want to get to the station 10 minutes early because it’s ‘boring’ or ‘too painful’ to wait on a platform but seem to think it’s ok to almost miss a train/ keep others waiting for them due to their ‘it’s too boring/ painful to wait’ attitude! Everyone else has to do it so why do they feel they are an exception? The other people use the excuse that it ‘feels’ a certain time without actually looking at a clock even though 15 minutes has probably passed from the last time they looked at al clock - I would say that is down to oneself and their own inability to organise their time because it only ‘feels’ like 60 seconds has passed when in reality it is impossible to search for cost, shoes, umbrella, keys, load a dishwasher and give the dog a treat all in 60 seconds.

OP You sound like my DP - it’s very frustrating to live with someone like this. I don’t really care if they’re late for stuff but it often holds back me and the kids too and frequently ends in an argument after I’ve had to time check or remind them several times ( ‘nagging’) to get moving or we’ll all be late.
DP seems to think the dentist won’t care if the kids are 10 mins late then gets pissed if a losing the appt or having to wait another hour for a gap… or seems to think the train or plane really will wait just for them…

Next time, when the alarm goes off? Stand up and start moving…

Someone has literally just posted earlier in the thread that they find jobs to do because they find it ‘too painful’ to wait at a station so this will potentially make them late, they know it has the potential to make them late but go ahead and do the tasks anyway. These are the same people who persistently turn up late, fuck everyone else who’s waiting for them. Then eventually turn up and pull the excuse they “lost track of time”.

For people who apparently have no understanding of the ‘passage of time’ they really do need to look at their clock more often and plan ahead if they feel they struggle in that area.

But a lot of people now, especially since ADHD became 'trending' on SM have just decided that they do have ADHD or might have but waiting lists for assessments are so long, so don't even attempt to do anything to try and make a difference and expect everyone else to just suck it up and not challenge them because 'ND'.

I have a 60 year old colleague who since her adult son was diagnosed with ADHD has decided she has it. Which she may well have, it is often genetically based, but since her making that decision, she doesn't seem to attempt to be more organised or on time and if anyone has an issue, they get a 'ADHD AND menopause' reply.

So she arses around doing what the hell she likes. arrives to group meetings at least 20 minutes late but then doesn't even apologise or try to sneak in at the back and not disturb the meeting but will stride in and take a seat at the front, then ask questions that were already answered in the first 20/30 minutes that she wasn't present for.

We had a team lunch booked a couple of months ago which I didn't want to go to anyway, but went along to be a 'team player'. Table booked for 12pm for 10 people, people asked to arrive at 11.45. Got seated outside in a really nice restaurant on a lovely sunny day which got progressively less lovely due to the heat and being hungry and she wafts in at 12.40, no apology, no reason for being late, we have to accept it's just 'the way she is' and then we had a rushed meal because our booking was for two hours and then she argued as didn't want to leave a tip because she'd felt like the staff gave the impression they were impatient. They were! because they spent 40 minutes getting drinks and asking if we were ready to order and we couldn't as were waiting for her, and then she arrived 40 minutes late and then we still had to say 'not ready' because she spent 15 minutes catching up saying hello to everyone and looking at the menu.

And several of us said afterward that we won't go on another team lunch again because of it but didn't feel like we could complain because 'ADHD' and then we'd be shaming her and making her feel bad.

My public sector employer works on the 'social model of disability' which means people don't need a diagnosis, they just identify as having a disability and it being the way that society is constructed that causes the barriers and difficulties for that person so we don't feel like we can complain as it's our attitudes to the lateness or disorganisation that are the problem..

OP I'm exactly the same. Every day, it drives me (and others nuts), I never seem to learn.

@TheWildRosePlayer so your bosses wouldn’t allow anyone to order till she arrived?

I am not too familiar with the model but I think it’s probably operating in many places and thus feeding into public consciousness, as it were.