An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

No one is leaving the house thinking "I'm gonna be late but IDGAF" they're trying to be on time but just bad at planning it.

OP is actually very good at planning, she's just undisciplined at sticking to the plan.

In your situation I would have left the house sooner.

I don't usually miss trains but I am one of those people who are always late or always nearly late for everything else. I have realised that any spare moments I think I have, I decide to fill with doing other things rather than being early. This usually goes the other way and ends up with me being late or on time but highly stressed! It's particularly bad when it's a social engagement. I also lose a lot of things around the house, so even when I'm ready on time, I often waste ten minutes looking for something I need, like house keys or car keys. Ridiculous really, but I just don't have a very organised mind.

Your mistake is thinking they're "spare moments". They're not. They're planning, preparation and organisation time.

What's this dread of "spare moments" to the extent people don't want to wait 10 mins on a platform for a train?

@Beforetheend
My god are you me?! You said

"I have adhd and I have to work really hard on time management.

One of the things that skews my perspective of time passing is that I have an ability to hyperfocus and get really high quality levels of work done up against a deadline or in a crisis. My creativity, energy, drive and focus skyrocket and that completely changes my perception of time. Rarely I’ve experienced everything around me moving in super slow motion at crucial moments - once in the car, during a near collision, and at other times in sports or when my dc we’re in danger.

But I don’t have a normal awareness of time passing. If I look at the clock and it’s 2.30, I sort of think it’s that time until I look again. And in situations that involve boredom and sitting perfectly still, like school, it feels like 20 minutes have passed but it’s only 2.31."

In exactly the same. I can smash out a really well written, concise report in a really short deadline. I'm focused and the world quietens behind me as I'm doing it. A PP said dopamine rush. I think that's it. I'm a procrastinator so the crisis or deadline is my own doing. Same with the awareness of time passing. When I'm in the zone I can go 12 hours without food no problem and it feels like 2.

Sitting and waiting in a train station for 10 minutes would feel like eons on the other hand.

Yes he must have been, but he was unable to articulate what exactly he was doing. Possibly just staring into space for a bit which is why he takes 30min showers...

This was absolutely the same with my ex!!!

How do you manage if you have to take medication - say antibiotics every 4 hours? Does that just never happen and infection gets prolonged?

Do you not think of other people who may be waiting for you or who you may also be making late?

It isn’t rocket science to get things ready the night before or early in the morning. What happens if you can’t find your keys and you’re locked in the house or can’t get into your car? Keys need to be kept in a specific place where you’ll know where they are every time - so that you can just grab them and walk out and lock the door behind you. Always works for me.

What exactly do you decide to fill your time with that is so desperate that you cannot wait until you get back home? Do you not ever think “doing this task will take x amount of time so I really don’t have time to do a 15 minute job in the space of 60 seconds”?

Im really sorry but I do struggle to understand the logic of people who try to fill their last 5 minutes of spare time before they’re due to set off with tasks that take 15, 20, 30 minutes. In that time you are making people wait 15, 20, 30 minutes longer for you to turn up. Do you not feel that’s a tad selfish?

Or if you are a pilot. Or a doctor. Or nurse. Or a judge. Or any profession that depends on time. Those smug holier than thou people.

Yes he definitely has to have been doing something else or like you say, just staring into space knowing someone was outside waiting for him. Or if he’s like my ex, decides to start putting shoe polish on his shoes before he puts them on. It doesn’t take 8 minutes to put shoes on, walk down stairs, grab keys and walk out of the door.

I know, it's curious.

What I’m struggling to understand is why when you look at the clock it’s 2.30 and when you look at it again it’s much later but you still think it’s going to be 2.30. Time ticks away, we learnt that at school. If you start doing tasks at 2.30 then it isn’t going to be 2.30 when you finish doing them is it. It’s this logic I’m trying to understand??

yup, or, as I said, not burn the house down?

can you get away from what things feel like? I know that there are people who more or less know what time it is without checking but most of us don't and don't rely on what time it feels like...we keep an eye on the clock.

I'm never late.

I always assume the worst. I assume the train will be cancelled or delayed. I assume the traffic will be awful. I assume there won't be anywhere to park. Means I am usually early but I prefer that

OP I can't really relate because I'm quite organised and hate to be late but one idea that I use even though I'm quite good at time keeping: I too would've set an alarm at 11am - then when it went off I wouldn't have silenced it, I would have snoozed so I get a regular 5 min reminder of time passing. Also I would have had a second alarm for 11:30 when I really needed to be heading out the door.

Honestly I personally would've rounded up the timings a lot more though '3 mins drive, well let's call that 10 mins just incase. 2 mins to walk from the car park? Let's call that 10 mins. Might have difficulty parking? Let's allow at least 20 mins for that then. So 40 mins minimum from leaving the house, then add on at least 5 mins for just in case anyway, but if it's a 'really really can't miss this train' situation I would leave another 10 mins AT LEAST.

So you chose to ignore the alarms, not stick to planned times and not expect the totally obvious... its not remotely an excuse.

We all could just ignore stuff and not bother. I have good days and bad days with my disabilities:

On good days I spend 15-30 minutes and put on jeans/bra/t-shirt/blazer, pack handbag, brush/tie up hair, maybe a bit of eye shadow/mascara. I can look like a regular functioning member of society

On bad days (sometime I'm so bed I can't even function, similar to dementia patients my brain just literally won't 'think' in a bad state and its all basic muscle memory autopilot, I become a living zombie) I set and alarm or ask someone trusted to text. The soud will trigger action and I will just throw on a hoody over my leggings and vest/t-shirt I was wearing in the house, slip on ballet flats and go... takes 1 minute. No hair, no make up, you'll be lucky if I even have a bra on because I barely can move but I'm out the house. I might look like swamp thing but I'll be on time even with bare minimum functional skills.

I always try to prep in advance (handbag is kept packed, shower/wash hair on the night before I know I need to go out somewhere, wear 'lounge wear' thats passable in public in case I'm so bad I can't re-dress).

But I am never late, I could not just keep people waiting as its the height of rudeness and it can have consequences too. Like when you miss medical appointments it can effect not just you but others. It increases wait time as the appointment was wasted (when someone else could have used that time) and now they have to book you back in taking up another time etc... its just unfair to everyone.

I have never just thought 'oh, its past the time to go, I'll just finish this email, pack a bag and top up my hair and make up' (and those action show you have a physical awareness, thought process, energy and function too). At the point that its the time to go you just GO in any state you are in (well not naked, throw on pants if you can but the quickest you physically can regardless of if you 'feel pretty' the time to do that has passed).

It is exactly what infuriates people, when people knew an hour in advance and where prompted but they deliberately IGNORED it. They just sit around scrolling facebook etc... and wait until its time to leave the house and then just say 'oh, I'll just quickly pop in the shower', while they sit their munching a bowl of corkflakes they just made with ZERO urgency. There is no excuse for it, its a selfish choice that impacts on everyone waiting for you and shows no respect for their time.

People who are chronically late are always so blase about time and thats why they are always late, its behavioral not 'disability' and a lack of caring/want to change. Plenty of people with ADHD and other disabilities work on being on time, its a learned/trained action part of CBT just like its learned in everyone. It might require more alarms, pre-planning extra time or more concentration but its not just deliberately ignoring the plan you knew needed to be followed then using 'time blindness/ADHD' as an excuse.

Sitting and waiting in a train station for 10 minutes would feel like eons on the other hand.

What if you factored those 10 minutes into your plan as the time for getting a coffee, finishing & sending that email you mentioned, etc?

I have adhd and I get really stressed about having to be somewhere for a particular time. I'm usually too early, sometimes I'm late but rarely on time. Once I had a job interview, was so stressed I got there an hour early and got rained on and soaked through because there was nowhere to shelter. If I have to catch a flight or do something particularly stressful/ important I usually can't sleep at all the night before.
Having "systems" for how to do things is not very effective for some people. If you still get stressed, the stress can make it harder and harder to function and things just get away from you. If you are tired, that can make it worse too. So you can't sleep because you're worried, then being tired makes it so much harder to do what you need to do...it's so shit. When I'm tired my thoughts just slip out of my grip and like they roll away. Sometimes when I'm already late in the morning, I will be rushing down the road one minute, next I know I am walking really slow totally zoned out absorbed in thinking about something totally unrelated (usually a worry or bad memory) then think Shit! Wtf am I doing? and start rushing again.

Couldn’t have put it better myself. Nine times out of 10 it does seem to be pure selfishness on their part. Whether or not they lack self awareness of being selfish is another matter.

However, if you set an alarm because you know you have to be somewhere at a certain time then blatantly ignore it, then mess about typing an email knowing full well you haven’t organised / found your coat/ shoes/ keys/ umbrella and then decide to load the dishwasher, kiss the dog and give it a treat, why act so surprised that you’re running late??

I’m still trying to understand the logic in all of it. How can people not realise that when doing all these things, time isn’t just going to freeze and stand still to suit them and that when they have been given a time to be somewhere then you can’t just be prattling about doing tasks in the time you’re supposed to be already in the car. If you start doing all those things at 11.32 it isn’t going to still be 11.32 when you finish doing them is it? Yet op seems to ‘feel’ that the time they are actually ready to leave will still the exact same as it would be before starting all these tasks. The mind absolutely boggles!

@deviantfeline “Sitting and waiting in a train station for 10 minutes would feel like eons on the other hand.”

it might feel like eons to lots of people, especially if you have years of commuting under your belt.

it might feel like eons if someone is late.

You either plan to arrive at the absolute last minute so there isn't a second wasted waiting around AND accept that anything unexpected or not remembered will throw you out and cause you stress/make you late/you miss your train.

Or you aim to have a cushion of spare time AND accept that will mean you're hanging about for a bit, or have time to buy a coffee or whatever, but if the unexpected arises, you're still fine and not in flustered mess.

That's the choice because the world isn't tidy and seas don't part when you need to get somewhere.

It's not rocket science

I had a very good friend who I used to meet up with. She was late, every single time. One day I didn't hurry, took my time and browsed in a bookshop. Then I went to meet her. She was furious! She'd been waiting for me!
I thought it was interesting how she had centred herself again - not making it on time, but with the expectation that I would.

This has reminded me of another chronically late ex-friend of mine. She was always at least half an hour late, sometimes more. I would tell her a meeting time that was half an hour early but I'd still end up waiting around.

One time, we were meting at a large building neither of us knew. I wasn't late, but we got mixed up about where to meet so I went to a different door to her. When she arrived and I wasn't there, she waited five minutes then flounced off home in a strop! Wasn't OK for HER to be kept waiting

Yes to me the "cushion" of spare time, and maybe having to spend 10 minutes waiting around, is a fair exchange for the lack of stress. I'd rather be bored for 10 minutes than in a mad stressed panic for 10 minutes.