An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

Not doing what you actually planned!

If you have a timeline - stick to it.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there - for a lot of people I feel it is the ‘thrill’ of cutting things fine. I think some people actually get enjoyment out of it. Obviously I’m aware this is not the case for everybody. Just the huge majority of people who do this seem to think that keeping other people waiting isn’t a massive issue. My narcissistic ex even used to smile/ laugh and say “so what” when he saw me getting worked up about how late he was!

Same as those people who only start getting ready, getting their shower and doing their makeup when you arrive at their house to pick them up. Just complete utter passive aggressive spitefulness that I think they actually enjoy doing!

Also, why do people always drip feed that they are not in the UK?

This is a UK site so if you're not in the UK, say so.

It's not strictly relevant to this thread, but it might be.

I know the "where did the 15 minute go" feeing very well.

If I remember... what helps me is to put music on, I know three songs is about 10 minutes which makes me notice the time passing.

losing your job because of chronic unpunctuality matters as does losing your friends.

Well, I don't like altering my schedule to accommodate others like this, or delay a meeting, or hit the rush hour or miss an appointment because someone else can't self manage.
Yes it does impact others.

Thank you OP it does help because I always wonder this! Just reading your OP gave me the same stress I get waiting for my DD (and in the past, my v similar sister). Seeing her spend the key minutes when we/she needs to set off, doing something like curling her eyelashes, because she “has time”. Aaaarrrgghh! As a PP said it’s like she thinks time has stopped for her.

I’m not saying I’m never late, it can happen with traffic jams etc but generally I always build in extra time so I’m early, because I hate being in a panicky rush. I work backwards from when I want to arrive so with your journey it would be arrive 10.50, set off 10.30 to allow for traffic and parking issues, start to get ready 10 am, and then set constant repeating alarms to stop me going “oh I’ll just finish this email”.

Still given that you say you are like this, you’re doing pretty well with planning and prepping and you did make the train for that reason. You just need to build in arriving early, and deal with the “I’ll just have an extra faff” impulse. (I know I say “just”, I know it may not be that easy IRL!)

personally I think that people who are "absolutely unable" to manage their time don't exist. They would have boiled kettles dry, overcooked food (maybe set it alight) be overwhelmed with parking tickets, have lost their jobs and so on. I do accept that some people have more difficulty with time management than others, just as some people are dyslexic. In both cases there are strategies that can help

You are right that there are strategies to help, but you are wrong that none of those things happen to people. Pans boiled dry, overcooked food, missed deadlines at work, insurance expiring. All happened to me, and I don’t think I’m that bad.

People-watching at stations or reading a paper/book/magazine/phone is not wasting time.

Yes, and rather that than waste other people's time by keeping them waiting.

So don't then 🤷‍♀️

Yes you can check emails on your phone, get to your platform early to get the best spot, with some trains it will be there waiting so you can get settled before the rush.

@Pluntolo ”I can't say that others being late (and I have a LOT of late people in my life) has truly impacted me other than it being irritating”

so if you’re left waiting at a station for an hour you don’t mind?

But isn't that exactly what makes you late? You are about to leave the house but then you think there's a small job you can "just" do, and then another one, and then before you know it, it's 15 minutes past the time you should have left the house.

People need to silent the voice that tells them to "just" do a job before they leave the house.

Similarly, people used to be late because they insisted on answering the landline if it rang just as they were walking out the door.

Definitely. In the industry I work in you cannot be late without a valid reason. I would literally get no more work. Word also gets around fast about who the reliable and unreliable people are. If I faffed about doing jobs in the house knowing full well I needed to set off at the very time I started faffing about doing the dishwasher or searching for things I should have had organised earlier, I’d lose all my clients. So being there over early works absolutely fine for me. Yes I’m out of the house longer but it shows I’m a punctual, reliable person. I’d rather sit about and relax with a coffee at the station that be panicking about being late cos I couldn’t manage my time.

Well I have to if a meeting is scheduled at 4.45pm and they turn up at 5.20.
If they say they'll meet me at 9.10 to get the train and don't turn up. It impacts.
Yes. It impacts others and I think some people with ADHD on here do acknowledge that.

I wouldn't be waiting at a station for an hour because I'm not a complete mug, I would leave.

Quite. It's a good way to focus the mind!

I wouldn't have the meeting or I would say right, well as we've started 35 minutes late we now only have 10 minutes left of the meeting.

I would get the train without them.

I have done all these things.

Well I think that is exactly what happens to some people with severe ADHD etc, hence why some people can't work/ need to be on medication/ benefits.

Well actually lots of us are isolated because our disabilities are too inconvenient for others and our mental health suffers significantly for it, it does impact our ability to work so we either lose our jobs or have to fight for flexibility with our start and finish times which if you're lucky enough to be granted without punitive action can be a huge accomodation but you're lucky if your job can accomodate you. Many of us have a history of job hopping for this very reason, it's covered in the assessment process for ADHD. Lots of us are so desperate to get our lives on track that we pick up unhealthy habits like caffeine addictions for the dopamine boost which helps us regulate and improves our ability to function, some pick up other habits in the name of self medicating. You can tell with some and you can't with others. It's not uncommon for ADHDers to turn to other stimulants for the dopamine hit like cocaine. It's a very common workplace drug in many industries for a reason.

We do struggle to form and maintain relationships because of the external perceptions of our values being aligned with how our disabilities affect us.

I don't know a single person with time blindness and any associated comorbidities like autism or adhd or trauma that haven't desperately tried everything in their power and still continue to do so despite it sometimes being futile all because they have a fear of being perceived incorrectly.

It's not a lack of personal accountability that causes these problems. These problems occur in spite of personal accountability.

I remember being stressed out at work and I had organised a visit to Tate lates with a friend. I rushed there from my office in south west London only to find her running severely late and she worked more Central than I did.

when you’re in a stressful work environment and not been treated with the respect you should and hope to just relax with a friend the last thing you want to do is be standing alone waiting for them to arrive.

Yes I could’ve gone in myself but I didn’t want to hence I’d organised a trip with her. I just left and never seen her again lol years later she proved what a selfish person she is in another situation. Long story but it was to do with her wanting me to visit her in the country she has relocated to.

I talk to her once in a blue moon now via Facebook but I don’t consider her a friend. You don’t know what people are going through in life, as a friend or even just a decent person try to treat people with the utmost care respect. Btw she was often late it wasn’t just that one incident.

Yes, I've lost patience - the trouble is they were chairing the meeting, so we had to wait.

I’m exactly like you unless I make a HUGE effort not to be. These are the things that have helped:

• I get my bag ready the night before
• I would view that 11am alarm as a hard deadline for stopping everything and focusing on getting ready. Trust the maths you’ve done - you don’t have plenty of spare time, that’s definitely when you need to stop work.
• I would have had two more alarms: one marking 10 minutes left of final faffing, one for ‘leave the house right now’

but regularly?