Read as much of this thread as I can stomach - up to when milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk said she was making her final post and used it to tell xenia she's bitter and regretful .
All I can say is my mum was a SAHM until I was about 10 because we lived in a remote area where everyone farmed to live and apart from cutting people's hair occassionally there was no work for a woman with 3 kids under 5. She didn't claim benefits (this was Ireland in the 1970's) but she did suffer depression for all sorts of reasons. When I was 10 both my parents started university courses so we were both broke and 'abandoned'. My mum was happier though, and so I was happier. They were good but flawed parents, because no one is perfect.
Maybe in the eyes of the OP my parents were neglectful because we all had our own keys to the house at the age of around 8, we were often left alone, we cooked meals, made tea, cleaned the house and did what we could to help our family unit.
My mum having a career has not done me any damage, in fact all of us now have a fierce work ehtic. I am trying for my first child at 38. I waited so long because I didn't find the right person. My plan is to take the maternity leave I am entitled to when I get pregnant and then go back to work when it runs out. I will leave my child in a creche because I cannot rely on my mother to bring up my child - it would be wrong to expect her to do so - she still has a career and it is not her job to raise my children. Instead I will pay the very fine people in the creche to do so. I have no idea how it will make me feel or if I will want to stay at home but I am actually dreading having to take 6 - 12 months off in the first place. Not because I have a high flying career but because I have been unemployed in the past, and I can't think of anything worse than being at home all day with no other adult company, no money of my own and no interesting things to do. I will do it though (take a year of maternity leave), because I can.
I hope my children will be happy because I will be happy. They will see as much of me as they will their father who sadly will only get a few weeks maternity leave. I feel sorry for my BF because I will have that 6 months to a year to care for and bond with our child when they are at their most vunerable, but that's biology for you.
My work mate has an 18 year old daughter. She left her in the creche at 6 weeks because she had to. She did not have the benefit of the kind of maternity leave we have now. She tells me she was glad to go back to work and her daughter loved being in the creche and became a very sociable child. She is now a very sociable, well educated and bright adult.
My best friend has 3 children. She is a teacher and has always worked. Her children have been looked after by her parents and in Creches. My friend has recently started a new job in a SN school as she needed new challenges. I have never met happier or more confident children.
Not to say that being a SAHP is bad for children, it's just not right for me. I will not be able to survive financially if I become a SAHM and I would never want to be put in a position where I had to rely on my BF for money. This is not a feminist stance it's the stance of a person who has always paid her own way and who doesn't think doing the housework should be used as a bargaining tool for money so she can buy a new pair of shoes.
I will make changes, I will spend a lot less money on myself, I will be there for my kids if they need me and I will probably need some flexibility from my employer at times. I'm sure I won't know what's hit me when I have kids but I will not accept that I am a bad parent for choosing to go to work.