Moral dilemma. What would you do?

[Halftheworldawayy]

On the train back from London I overheard the conversation of the woman sat next to me.

It was her birthday and her and two friends (friend A and E) had gone to Magic Mike. Friend E had got so drunk that she fell asleep in the bar at Magic Mike and had almost got them kicked out. They went out for more drinks after the show and both friends were hammered.

They got on the underground to go home, Friend E jumped off at a random stop to be sick, Friend A jumped off at a next stop to find her. Birthday girl (not hammered) stayed on the tube all the way to the train station.

When birthday girl got to the station neither friend was there so she gets on the train to go home. Friend A keeps ringing her in tears saying she can’t find Friend E and birthday girl tells her to leave her and get the train as Friend E will eventually sober up and get the train herself.

They also both kept trying to call Friend E and it was going to voicemail.

Birthday girl felt no guilt at all about leaving her friends and repeatedly said “they needed to man up” “handle their drink better”. I do agree to a point as these women were easily late 30s/early 40s and I get how frustrating it is as a grown adult to babysit drunk adults. But I’m not sure I would have abandoned both friends.

You’re right I should have covered my ears and screamed to avoid the person close to me having a loud conversation on the phone throughout hour and 40 minute train.

I'd prefer to stay together, but as the friend who didn't drink, running after & cleaning up vomit for people who knew they'd need looking after & still did it, wore thin very fast.

Eventually I reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore & had zero empathy. This might have been the birthday girl's moment.

I just stopped going to events where that situation would transpire. They still laughed about how drunk they were & who had to take them home etc. but it wasn't me!

I agree with Birthday Girl.
At their age the women should know better and I wouldn’t want to ruin my birthday any further looking after pissed up adult women. Used to feel I had to be responsible for these eejits as I was never much of a drinker but not anymore.

No I’m not any of them. I just found it interesting as I don’t know what I’d do in that situation.

Like how do you find someone who’s drunk, got off at a random tube stop to be sick and whose phone is going to voicemail. But then woman on the train was adamant that the friend would eventually sober up and get the train home.

And is age a factor, in your 30/40s are you not entirely responsible for knowing your drinking limits? (Minus a few exceptions). How is drinking to the point that you’re falling asleep and almost getting kicked out of a theatre venue normal behaviour. But then if something terrible happened to your drunk friend could you forgive yourself for leaving her, even though it would actually now be impossible to find her.

I don't think I would have just left the friend. I'd likely have hopped off with the second friend.

But it's also difficult to see what further action to take in this scenario, once she couldn't be found.

This was around 8pm so there was maybe 3 more trains afterwards.

I'd have tried to stop A jumping off at the next stop, because that makes no sense at all. E presumably jumped off to be sick in a bin or on the platform (yes, this isn't great, that's not the point) rather than leaving the station, and even in her drunk state would have presumably got on the next tube in a couple of minutes. (I'd have also yelled at E "get the next train and we'll see you at the train station" as she got out in the hope that would percolate through.) A getting out at the next stop was a waste of time as by the time she'd got over to the opposite platform and managed to get a tube back one stop, E would be unlikely to still be there.

Once at the train station (or once I had signal) I'd have tried to contact E and would have waited for her... I suppose a lot would depend on whether I needed to catch the last train out, and whether E had a history of getting in a state but turning up fine. I'd probably assume E had got on to the next tube then fell asleep and missed her stop.

I'm always the one that makes sure everyone gets home. I never leave anyone to fend for themselves, especially when wasted.

I think the chance of them finding the drunk woman in this scenario was small. She could have decided to do any number of things - go out of the station to find food/drink/bus/cab. She could’ve hopped on the next train. She could’ve fallen asleep somewhere. I mean, I honestly wouldn’t know where to begin if the friend hasn’t text or called and isn’t answering phone. They are all adults and I’m kind of on the abandoner’s side. But then I’ve not got any friends who would get that drunk on a night at the theatre. Or anywhere.

How on earth did you get all of that information from overhearing a conversation? Was she relaying the whole story to someone?

Friend E shouldn't have jumped off the train as throwing up in a station isn't any better than throwing up on a train. Friend A shouldn't have got off at the next stop because she has no idea when Friend E has gone. Birthday girl has basically been abandoned by both of them and has been left to go home alone herself.

They all should have got off at the same time without question.

I find drunkeness absolutely horrifying and repulsive and avoid drunk people like the plague. If it was a one-off I probably would have force myself to stay with her but I would never go out with her again if any alcohol was available, and I'd expect a massive apology. Tbh, if there was another friend present as well I can imagine leaving it to them to deal with.

At uni I'd have stayed with them but not as a 30 something. Couldn't be arsed and I'd expect someone who's been getting pissed for that long to manage getting home by themselves.

Yes I had a friend like this who would drink until she was incapable of walking. It became infuriating and eventually impossible to go out with her. Later she got arrested for being drunk and incapable. She is dead now, having drunk herself to death.

Leaving her alone drunk like that would have be unthinkable, I never did, and looking back over the years I wish I had understood and done so much more.

They should have all stuck together. Unless, however, friend E has repeated form for doing this sort of thing and has become a liability. It may be that this happens again and again to ruin birthday girl's night out, friend A is an enabler and birthday girl is utterly at her rope's end with it all.

I have had a friend like this. I didn't ever completely abandon her (certainly not in a place strange to her), but I got utterly tired of having to mediate drunken fights that she'd caused. Pacify stricken/furious boyfriends/shags/fiances, reassure her parents, stand around while she phoned various people and avert my eyes as she puked. In the end I dropped the rope and refused to go out with her anymore. She had been a good friend when we were at school but it was just too high-maintenance and occasionally dangerous. All efforts to help or get counselling or support were refused and often met with rage, even when sober. There was literally nothing I could do, save repeatedly being the bystander/safety-net in the nonsense. She ultimately jilted a lovely fiance days before their wedding and disappeared to the USA. I had to tell him. I've recently heard from her again, but she is so far down the Donald Trump/MAGA rabbit-hole that it sickens me. Sad, really. She wants me to go and stay with her for a holiday. Haha - no.

@sweetgingercat good grief how old was she?

But what about when you’re not in your home city. Where if you miss the last train your only options are waiting 8 hours for the morning trains, an expensive Uber, getting someone from home to do a 3 hour round trip to pick you up, or paying for a hotel. When you actually have no way of finding your friend, you just have to hope she turns up at St Pancras at some point.

Yep. She must have relayed the full story to at least two other people.

In the situation I'm not sure what else birthday girl could have done?

Friend A was never going to find friend E since they got off at different stops.

Birthday girl wasnt really going to be able to do anything since she was nowhere near where friend E was when A was closer and couldnt find her

Sounds like friend E ruined the night with her inability to hold her drink.

Yes, everyone should have probably got off when E did but after they didn't, other than ringing whoever E lives with when they couldnt find her and shifting responsibility onto them (if she did live with anyone) or ringing the police, who would not have done anything yet, after A searching for her and not finding her, what else could birthday girl have done?

If this was my friend, and this kind of behaviour was unusual - which we'll never in this situation - I'd assume they had been potentially spiked and would not have left them along and vulnerable.

However, the fact is, you don't know the previous history or behaviour patterns of anyone involved. Maybe birthday girl is forever left to be Mother Hen and for once, on her birthday, she wanted things to go smoothly but A & E ruined it all again, meaning she has a right to be pissed off. Maybe she's going home promising to end these friendships because it's always drama and more hassle than its worth.

Ultimately, there it too many factors to give a clear "I'd do X" in this situation, because we don't know what the situation is!

We were in our late 20s working for the same company. We both moved away, got married, had kids. She divorced, must have started drinking seriously and died during covid (her kids had opted to stay with her ex). Really sad for the kids…

Blimey...we all judge people and wonder what we would do in certain situations which is all the OP was doing.