To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

Wow that's awful

I dated a man recently in his 40s who had a bit of a breakdown with me saying he was so messed up as he was sexually abused by his housemaster at boarding school

That's what I'd be afraid of

Maybe in the school you went to / your kids go to. In the boarding school I endured, there was no space available to “retire to” (very twee way of putting it, btw).

All the dorms were multiple occupancy and, ironically perhaps, the younger you were the more people there’d be in your dorm. So at the 10-11 year old stage (common for a lot of boarders to start then, if they hadn’t been shipped off at 7) the smallest dorm had six in. Mine had ten and even the sixth formers had to share with at least one other.

The sit down toilets may as well have been open cubicles, because the gaps under the doors were so big, and there were no other private spaces available to the kids.

Yes, but you weren't away from your parents - your Dad was there. It's different.

Exactly, there was at least 1 parent there. I was at school with the DC of staff and they got the best of both worlds. Boarding "fun" with friends etc and then home to the onsite House Parents accommodation to spend the evening/night with their actual parents.
A very different experience to sharing a dorm and being raised by people who, however great they were, were doing it for money not love.

Exactly.

You’ve hit the nail on the head

@LoquaciousPineapple spot on.

@PerkyMintDeer That is horrific. I am so sorry you went through that. And terrible that one is now the Head of a boarding school.

If you agree with this, why did you send your children to boarding school? Even at 13 children should be seeing their parents most (all?) evenings.

You also commented further down about the school day ending at 18.15 (that's so late!!) and thus your children are not spending the majority of their time being cared for by strangers. Except, they don't come home at 18.15. So yes, they ARE spending the majority of their time being cared for by strangers. Regardless of how well you (think) you know their caregivers, they are people doing their job. They are not people who care for your children in the same way a family member does, and so they are strangers.

I genuinely think it's awful. Apologies if that is harsh, but you have asked for opinions. The fact that the school is literally 20 minutes away makes it even more so! Your children are just within reach, but during the week you only see them if they have a sports event or they're unwell?! I find that absolutely mind-blowing.

You also mentioned that extracurricular activities wouldn't be viable if your children didn't board, due to location. Curious as to why that is when you're only 20 minutes from where they're currently doing their extracurriculars?

I remember when I was about 10 having a conversation with a Boarder at my school. He explained that he boarded because his father worked in Nigeria in the oil industry and there was no suitable school for him where his parents lived. I asked why his Dad couldn't change jobs and he sais that as he worked in oil he had to be overseas so then I asked what about his Mum. He replied that she lived with his Dad. I asked why she couldn't live in England and he didn't know.
I couldn't get my head around it at the time and now if DH had ever got a job abroad either we all would have gone or just him if there was no other option.
There is always a choice but some parents don't choose their children.

@Nadeed We live in a settlement of around 30 houses. I think I said earlier dc around me went to around 12 different schools. Not one in her year went to the outstanding catchment school. They went to a mix of other village schools and private ones.

At school we found dc were invited to play by parents. Not dc. This was very much based on parental earnings and jobs. We didn’t fit in. She couldn’t pop next door to see another child. She didn’t know them. Then when a child did transfer to her school who lived just around the corner, there was a strong impression given that DD was not their idea of a friend. They disliked her denim mini skirt and the fact dd liked the school disco. Their dd wasn’t allowed to go. It seemed friendships were curated and dd wasn’t wanted. She did have a few friends who didn’t pass for the grammar so even if we had stayed in state, these dc we’re going to a different school. There were some very pleasant dc at the primary but dd wasn’t like their dc, not a maths genius like one. She just didn’t fit in.

Therefore, apart from money, there was nothing to lose. DD could be herself without judgement from parents. Join in with what she wanted to do without judgement. She could start again. She has made what I suspect are lifelong friends from day 1 and this strategy turned out to be remarkably successful. I’ve no doubt this is unusual but state didn’t work out so we tried an alternative where she thrived and was happy.

I completely agree that my situation was very different to those who did not ask or want to board. My daughter and her friends (without teacher parents) enjoy the social aspect of flexi boarding. Although I am a staff member we live in another town to the school and therefore on her boarding night, I go home. I am definitely not saying that bake cause I enjoyed it, boarding is a good thing (just that it is not always a complete negative - even if you do not have a parent at the school).

I think flexi boarding can be a very positive and fun experience if the child wants and asks for it. I completely agree with you that those who have to board and have no real choice can be very damaged by it.

For goodness sake. I did not send my children away. that is such a horrible phrase and I wish people would stop using it.
Did you read my post?
at what point did I send them away?
I think you are confusing sending away with allowing them to live the life they want.

They want a life that involves not living with you though, which I would be absolutely devastated by

@iamsoshocked ok, why did you send them to boarding school? I don't know how you want me to word it? Boarding school was away, you needed to consent and pay for it so you it's something you actioned?

My 13 year old wants all sorts of things, it's my role as a parent with my fully formed adult brain to determine if what he wants is what he needs, and I just can't see any normal circumstance where prioritising education and a bit of sport in an educational institution is preferable to ensuring emotional stability and time within a loving and stable home. I'm actually not trying to be antagonistic. It's something that is open to us as a military family, we have colleagues who have made that decision, and I just can't comprehend it.

I just can’t see any benefit whatsoever to kids boarding 20 mins away.
I still wouldn’t do it but I can just about understand boarding at a prestigious non local school. But 20 mins away? Why wouldn’t you want them home?
It just seems like parental avoidance to me.

I can't remember the exact words but I think it's summed up in the previous posters claim they didn't hand over anything "that mattered".

I found that one of the truly saddest posts. They care about the choice of school/results /careers but the day to day life of the child doesn't "matter" and is of no consequence...

I know of someone who had 3 kids at school 20-30 min away. The eldest one boarded but she collected the younger 2 from the same school each day . I couldn't get my head round that at all!
I presume the younger ones boarded when they got to a "suitable" age. I'm pretty sure they all board further away now.

Similarly some of the few people defending boarding say they did it, their vrothers/sisters did it/ their friends in social circles do it and now their children do it. As if that makes it okay.

It just means it's been normalised. We can all think of harmful things that were normalised. And along with it that skug/elite belief if it's for the best. It's sort of cyclical that if they don't carry it on they're not doing the best for their children...

Whereas Google says only 0.5% of English kids board... It's truly not necessary for success.

My nephews went from year 7. Day students to start with as fairly local but both desperately wanted to board. Youngest lasted a year but the eldest stayed until the end of year 11 as a boarder. I guess it’s not for every child and ideally they’d have a choice.

Maybe the eldest wanted to board?

I just wanted to say this is really lovely. My children are still very young but I’ll be aiming to do the same. I had a wonderful childhood but I do remember at some point my parents stopped coming to say goodbye at bedtime and I was sad about it!

11 year olds should not have the choice of leaving home