To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

In boarding school children eat away from their parents, do homework away from their parents, cope with sadness away from their parents, experience their joys away from their parents… in short LIVE a sizeable percentage of their young lives away from their parents.

Some of the stories on here are truly heartbreaking.

To address some of the commonly raised points:
If at any point they even hinted at not wanting to board then I'd have pulled them.
The DCs come home every weekend. If they have sporting events during the week I go and see them. I also see them during the week to take them to any extracurricular things.
We talk most days.
If they are sick they come home.
For GCSEs they're pretty much on study leave from Easter, so are at home from then an I bring them to school for their exams.

And the laundry remark was tongue in cheek.

one of my friends worked at a large PS. She says all the literature says boarding from 7, but they take them younger, they just don’t advertise it. Some of them are international students as well.
She said the matrons are good at presenting a good face to parents and they think they care about their children, they don’t, it’s their job.
Safeguarding the older children, especially girls, is poor, she would never put her teenage daughter in that environment.

She did understand why some parents used it though. Lots of military kids, single parents with intense jobs who don’t want their children at home with a nanny during the week. She thought flexi boarding was a great option for older children to stay 1-2 nights a week.

I have no personal experience of boarding school but my DP went from age 11 to 18 and is one of the most psychologically damaged people I know. This may not be entirely from boarding school but having known him for 15 years now I have gradually come to believe that boarding school played a large part in the problems he has.

He on the other hand thinks it was an amazing experience (he got away with so much in the way of alcohol and drugs) that I can kind of see why the 15 year old child thought it was all great.

Who knows which of us is right but I know with absolute certainty I would never have sent a child of mine to boarding school. I'm sure for some it is great but others it is just too great a risk to their mental health.

I think it all reinforces the benefits of staying in family and the risks of being placed elsewhere

There's a school of thought that boarding school is foster care for rich people

Were their letters home censored, then?

Roald Dahl says in his book that the headmaster would patrol the classrooms during writing home, reading what the boys had written to point out their mistakes, but he was sure it was so he could covertly censor them.

Jesus. That poor man.

I have a 13 year old. I would never let him board because in five years he'll be gone to uni and I want to live with him seven days a week for the short time we have left before he goes away. The house would feel horrible without him (and his sister who is 11) - I couldn't imagine the silence in the evenings, not having dinner with them, not lying on their bed having a chat. They have plenty of time for friends during the day, the evening is my time with them. Eventually they won't want to see me much at all so why would I bring that time forward and send them off somewhere else? It seems nuts.

I know one young adult who went at secondary age due to home circumstances and it was probably right for them and their parent (who did visit a lot & the holidays are long).
I think it’s a strange choice if you’re from a ‘regular family’ with no extenuating circumstances though, these days. Maybe keeping in touch is easier with iPhones etc, but still it’s not the same as f2f interaction. And of course there’s no escape from your peers as well.

I will check, I’m not sure if it’s just what they were told before writing or if their letters were read and they were told to rewrite them.

This thread is very interesting for me to read. I see lots of posters saying their kids wanted to board. I wonder if they've thought about what that could mean. I am sure some older teens are just suited to it, but in my case I had a very chaotic upbringing and a couple of times I did ask to go to boarding school. It was partly because of Enid Blyton books, but I think I was attracted to the idea of routine and predictability. My parents made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions but they both loved me a lot and were both absolutely adamant that they did not want me to live away from them. And you know what? That's really nice to remember. I might have missed out on midnight feasts and swimming in rock pools or whatever but I knew they wanted to be with me and to raise me and I think that's more important.

We have a six year old and there is no way I could stand to live apart from her. We actually could afford it, but we'd never, ever do it. She's stuck with us until she turns 18!

I know. It was quite a moment when mine went to university, and I'm glad I spent all that time with them when I could!

I would add that while I can see why children board from 13, I think boarding from a younger age is cruel and wrong, If a child was taken from their family by social services at 7 and put into a fantastic loving group home, with limited weekend contact with their family, people would consider that a tragedy. When rich people pay to have their children taken away it's considered acceptable. Only in a hugely class based society like the UK would that ever happen.

Children are either bullied or the bullies.If you think your dc is thriving, that is because they are a bully.This is not down to the school, it is children going into survival mode.

My husbands family all boarded- him and his brother hated it, terrible bullying in the case of his brother. It was family tradition and felt loved under the shadows of their father. My husband is dyslexia and really struggle academically. You never got away from school really, there was class Saturday morning. Some weekends he never went home . When was at home, no real social life as school friends all over the country or other countries. Never had your own space. His sister sent her kids to same boarding school (even though she couldn't afford it and a one of the best schools in the county 10 mins down the road from her ). We dropped her daughter down one day and walked to her room - she was 14 at the time, i actually cried leaving her, she was sharing a room with 5 other girls, Bunk beds crammed on top of each other, like when did they get space to themselves . i personally think its cruel. Teenage years are tough enough, without sending them away

I also think that anyone who believes being cared for by school staff is in any way similar to being cared for by a parent is deluded. Good school staff are definitely better than awful parents - so for people in dangerous/abusive/chaotic situations boarding school is an improvement. But good school staff are doing a job and in that sense they are definitely not in any way better than loving parents. I used to be a teacher and I cared very much about my students but what I felt for them wasn't anything like what I feel for my children. It is a parent's love that makes the difference, not the opportunities they provide. I wish more people would understand that.

@GratitudeGrump exactly. The school staff are doing a job. At best, they're looking after the children, but not parenting.

The problem with it is it’s for the convenience of the parents. So it totally inverts what you expect parenting to be; and consequently you take a very big risk that the adults around your child will be safe or appropriate, let alone care.

It may not be abusive per se physically, but it is like an emotional bomb for many children. The way to get through it is to conform and emotionally stunted.

There is a reason why childrens literature goes on and on about the fears of children separated from loving parents. It is their great fear. Boarding schools are the reality. Parental convenience does not mean it is good.

There is an old cartoon of a child saying “ I know all the sacrifices our parents make for us” - which then shows the parents enjoying a luxurious meal. Who benefits from boarding school the most, I wonder?

I loved boarding school

i was very happy

im now 45 though, and am no contact with my mother.

who knows if they're related?

DC's school friend was put down for a boarding school when mum was pregnant. What's the point in having a child if you send them away at age 8?

I also find that strange. Why?

Well presumably it’s convenient for the parents. Otherwise why bother. This is a lot of money to spend

I think a lot of people picture the rich, emotionally distant father, who wants their son to follow in the footsteps of past generations and thinks bullying is character building. I could see how boarding would suit some teens, as long as they go home every school holiday and time is given to them. I don't think that it works so well for primary age.

But it is about contact time. It is showing what a family is and how a family works together

Exh boarded from a few days after his 7th birthday and loved it
However it is years later I see the damage

He couldn’t do everyday family stuff, it was either ignoring dc and making plans that weren’t suitable for dc or grandiose presents

I am presuming you are in the UK. Is there a particular reason to live miles from anyone? Even farmers have children who go to the local school all be it a car and coach ride away
If you live miles from anywhere and want your children to have friends they can see and sports they can pursue why not move. It would probably be cheaper

FWIW unless the school is dedicated to particular sports or pursuits where entry is based on ability in these sports etc then independent clubs or groups are going to be better.

I think it's different if it's child led, rather than parents' convenience/aspirations.

The fact that they come back every weekend, isn't too bad either.

If they changed their minds/were miserable, would they be able to tell you? Would you listen? Would they have other options?