To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

clearly you have no idea what you are talking about - i have two of three who have been to boarding school - one is still there. They went because they wanted to go at 11 to the same school and have loved it and thrived there. I worked hard to earn enough for them to have that opportunity having been to comprehensive school myself - it is the furthest thing from parental neglect you could ever see - they love it, they learn great people skills and have opportunities i wished for at school. They are happy and know they are the lucky ones to have that opportunity - granted it is not for all (hence my third child did not go he didnt want to) but to hear they way folks are spouting on this platform reflects pure ignorance

I think it damages the family forever. Plenty of marriages survive if the couple live separately for weeks or months at a time but it’s not the same is it? Why would it be different with your children. How do you expect siblings to build a strong bond if they are in separate years/schools all term. I think you lose so much more than you gain.

Posh neglect is what my parents called it. I suppose now it's rich neglect.

So why do they board at all? Why not just a good day school?.

It has its place and educationally it can probably set children up for more contacts and opportunities but I wouldn't want so little input in my children's day to day lives.

Also, I work in a nursery and full time, every day children do interact differently to those who are only there shorter days. I'd imagine the same difference is seen in boarding school children compared to others. I think it's being around peers more rather than one to one with adults.

Its very interesting reading the 1st person accounts from ex boarders here. There are many more negative than positive. No its not a scientific sample, but probably not what the OP was expecting!
Though maybe even I'd have preferred boarding to living in the middle of nowhere. I always wonder about that when I see lovely remote houses, and I think, how does that work for tweens / teens?!

As I wrote in my comment: 1 is military family so parents frequently aren't around every night of the week, 1 is a disabled mum and 1 has both parents who work in London 3 nights per week.
So there are periods in the week when both parents aren't at home at the same time.

Do you think it's merely coincidence that you were the type of person who is happy to send their kids away and not raise them at home, and your kids were happier not being at home with you? Or do you think those things might be linked in some way?

My Dad was sent to boarding school from the age of 8. I don't know if he liked it or not as he never really spike about his childhood but I know his parents just wanted him out of the way as they were 'busy' running hotels. They even left him there over the summer holidays where he had to stay with tge school master and his wife (who I think were very kind to him). They never bothered to come to sports day, which my Dad was very good at. I know this doesn't reflect on boarding school in general but does show that some parents just aren't particularly interested in their children & is a way to make life easier for themselves. Once he he'd met my Mum and her family & then had his own children, he realised what family really was about.

I would have thought that saying goodnight to your parents, or anyone really, when in the same household is basic manners. Or is it not a norm?

This post has had a lot of responses so this will probably get lost. I did research on boarding schools years ago as part of a psychology qualification so I'm a bit rusty.

From memory, the negative impact comes from not having stable care givers and never feeling settled. For example, the child is always thinking of the next time they need to pack their things and "move" for school holidays etc. nowhere ever feels 100% home.
Add to that the unstable parent figure, who is only there for a few weeks before being taken away. It's a very different experience, being partly "raised" by a school and people who are employed to "love and care" for you. It can really lead to repression of emotions in adults.

Lastly, as a parent you have to rely on the school being honest about what happens. So many children will never be honest with their parents, even the "good kids". This puts them at risk of all kinds of things.

People who are boarders often become adults who struggle with intimacy, openness and feeling settled. They might "thrive" on the outside academically but there will be emotional damage.

I remember a powerful quote from an article. "Boarding school is the last legal way to abuse a child".

Take from that what you will. Very interesting topic and one that will no doubt make boarders and parents of boarders explode with defensiveness.

I mean my grandmother was sent away at 6 and it definitely affected her emotionally. I think it is odd to choose that sort of distance from your children.

Also, at the one my mum worked at once, the teens were always in the woods doing drugs and having sex.

I don’t think you are getting ignorance here. I think you are reacting very strongly to people sharing experiences of people they know that put them off boarding school just as you are sharing your positive experiences.

I think it is good that you had no fixed decision as to whether your kids would board. That is the best approach.

Relatives of mine were completely fixed on it. Their son did 3 separate schools because it wasn’t for him so he kept moving to find the right one, he is actually a very robust character so as a parent I can see why they might have thought it would work for him but it just wasn’t for him. His sisters went elsewhere to other schools, two thrived, one thought it was a dumping ground for delinquent teens with disinterested parents, her words. All of my mother’s brothers, my father and my father in law all boarded, my cousins boarded, I went to a school with boarding as a day pupil, my friend’s DD boards, they have had very mixed experiences.

The joy of parenting! Don't worry I've done it before and sorry if I came across like a dick - also tired! X

OP you can surely see the specific context for your kids that mean they thrive at BS? They were older, had friends at the school and chose to board ( meaning they are in control and can stop if they wish). I had a friend who boarded in the same circumstances and loved it. Started as a day girl, felt she was missing out on her friends in the evenings, so boarded and could go home every weekend if wanted. This is very different from another teen I know who in the holidays cried and begged with her parents not to send her back to the BS she was being bullied at. They sent her anyway. I know other boarders who hated it, and for at least two it permanently damaged their relationship with their parents.

This. Can’t imagine not wanting to see my child every day.

Everything you've said has shown your choices are not child driven.

Live too rurally? Many people will move to give their kids a better life.

Kids do sports? Most parents spend their evenings driving them around

Lots of laundry? Just do it!! Or even better teach them how to.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread.

When I was at boarding school I stopped going home abroad after a while for holidays because I didn't know who my parents were. They were very distant and had a whole other life that didn't include me. I'd go to my aunts and uncles locally who had big families where I could just slide in and disappear.
I had severe CPTSD with a lot of dissociative episodes and nobody noticed. I didn't stand out so I was completely ignored.
During my last term at 18 my parents told me that they had done their duty and I was on my own once I left school. Instead of concentrating on my exams I hD to find a job and somewhere to live urgently. Like so many my only option was NHS because they gave you a room to live in and paid for you to train so I did that.
I was totally unsuited to it with my mental illness but I did my best.
My life after boarding school was a mess.

I would recommend reading this book - Hold onto your kids (Gordon Neufeld - Gabor Mate). Its about the attachment to parents vs. peers.

Just Boarding School Syndrome which has a devastating life long impact on people who were sent away from home to school.

I went aged 8. My mum took me on the first day, all of the new boys were taken off to see the adventure playground. When we came back our mothers had all left, they’d been told to avoid a difficult goodbye.

I didn’t see her again for 7 weeks.

No. These days they go for pre-organised weekends home regularly throughout the year. And holidays, obviously. And the OP lives 20 minutes away, so weekends home a lot more often I’m guessing.

Look, I know a few now-adults who boarded from secondary, and ended up loving it. Though I will say that back then, they didn’t allow phone calls home for the first 6 weeks in order to ‘get them used to being away from home’. Without fail all my friends remembered that 6 weeks and how desperately sad they were not to speak to their parents. Their parents remembered it too. Things have changed a lot now though, and there is a greater understanding that no communication is far from ideal, and downright cruel. Anyway, their parents lived remotely (Australian farmers). There were literally no secondary schools available that didn’t involve hours on a bus each day.

More recently, I also know loads of kids of friends of mine who ended up boarding. Without fail, they all begged to go. The situation was their parents were expats and working abroad and kids were sent back to home countries to complete their education. Honestly once one went, there were loads begging to go! Like I said one wanted to come back, and he did.

My sample size is maybe 15 people or so. Not many. I have no skin in the game. My children didn’t go. I just find it odd at the number of posters declaring that boarding school is automatically neglecting your kid. I mean, if you’re rich enough and can’t be arsed parenting, then I guess boarding school is an option. But, you know, you’d still have shit parents!

@Gettingbysomehow that is awful. My daughter is 18 and I couldn’t conceive of washing my hands of her. In many ways she needs me more than ever.

You can find lots online but here is an interesting article on Boarding school syndrome.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/boarding-school-syndrome-a-psychological-perspective

same for my DH. He and his brother were both badly bullied at 2 of the country’s “top” public schools. They continue to suffer the fallout into adulthood. Its so tragic.

I will also add that my DH recalls everyone around him feeling that he was having a great time and ‘thriving’.

I went to boarding school, just another way my parents could get out of actual parenting, no input or discussion or interest in exam choices or university choice