My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

You are absolutely 100% NOT being unreasonable @dazedandconfuseddaily ... No WAY should anyone be forced or coerced or bullied into having a child ... And I wouldn't be having one at 40 when I had already had children in my mid-late teens. That's you spending your whole adult life raising children. 40+ years.

I am probably being dramatic, but it feels like he wants to keep you down a bit, and it has a 'keeping you domesticated and 'in the kitchen' barefoot and pregnant' vibe about it. YOU will be the one who has your life affected by a new baby until you're a pensioner - not him. A man's life rarely changes when children come along, a woman's life is often unrecognisable to her previous life.

Tell him to find another woman if he wants a brood mare.

This exactly.

This exactly.

Thanks, he’s 45 I’m 39 x

Risks are higher the older you are. With a grown up daughter, a good life, there is absolutely no way I would have a baby at 45. I'm 50 (my kids are 22 and 19) and there is no way I'd want a 5 year old. I love the freedom I have.

He was given an option 7 years ago and blew it.

Sorry just read you are 40. I thought you were 45. I still wouldn't have one.

Never have a baby you don't want.

YANBU

However I think the lesson from this is never enter a marriage with someone who is even quasi/possibly wanting a child if you absolutely know you don't want one. Be certain of what you want.

And if you do proceed to marry, ensure you set a time and place to formally revisit the question within a few years of the marriage having commenced, so everyone is still young enough/has time to make decisions.

If there's an impasse, try a short trial separation so both of you can take stock if being together is the overriding thing or having the baby is the overriding thing.

Because even if the person wanting the child chooses to stay, the atmosphere is ripe for future resentment.

I don't envy living with a partner who has unrequited longings running constantly in the background of your lives. That can't end well.

Don’t be surprised if you end up divorced, because it seems like this is something that’s hugely important to your DH. If you don’t want a baby, fine; but your DH is hearing the call.

People’s desires and wants with regard to this topic CAN change. If DP wants a baby, he can always divorce and find someone who will give him that.

I think we should all commend @dazedandconfuseddaily for her very sensible attitude.

the DH says he wants a kid, she says ‘prove it by walking the dog 50%’. note a low bar but still!

man does not do 50% of dog care. Man does not get kid.

Mumsnet would be empty if all women had employed this test on their DHs!

well done op all round.

It wasn’t a no then. It was if he could demonstrate he’d pull his weight. Then he didn’t bring it up again.

We have a cleaner and your assumptions aren’t wrong. My mum had me at 40 and I’m the oldest (younger brother by 4 years) and I hated having an older mum (grew up in the North and most my friends mums were 10-15 years younger than mine). Also hated being shipped off to child minders/Nannie’s as she had a high level career. So I know the feeling as the child and it’s not fair. Which is another reservation.

it’s another thing to fall on my shoulders. And he seems to like the idea I doubt he’d like the reality.

I know quite a few women including sister who were persuade against better judgement to have a baby can't think of one where man was actually still around by time baby was 1 let alone 2.

Ideally both parents should be enthusiastic if you are not then don't do it.

The fact your DH didn’t stop up domestically when asked and you nearly died the first time, you’re WELL within your rights to say no and not feel guilty about it.

Apologies for stating the obvious, but there is a finite window of time for you and is not for him.

You CANNOT say that it will never be a deal breaker for him, because you just don’t know this for sure. Neither does he. Something could happen that reminds him of his own mortality and leads to a real burning urge to have a child.

If that was to happen, it will likely be at a time when you cannot give him that child even if you were willing. But he will always be able to have a child. This means that his options are mentally open, whether that’s in his conscious or subconscious.

That also may be why he isn’t hugely phased - when it’s over for you, it’s not going to be for him. He could move on and start over and have that child and there’s no need for him to rush into the decision because he’s not on a time restriction. He is happily living his life now, but that’s not to say his head may not turn to someone younger, fertile and willing in the future.

Just think carefully, without telling yourself it IS DEFINITELY NOT a deal breaker for him, about whether you’d rather have him plus baby, or not him. Being so utterly certain that it would never come to that may be preventing you from looking at that perspective and could lead to future pain.

For me it’s an absolute deal breaker and if my husband wanted a baby, it wouldn’t be with me - whether that meant losing him or not.

NO WAY would I be having another baby, if my other child was 23. Absolute carnage! My kids are 25 & 27, and the thought of going back to the baby stage seems almost comical.

And what if you had a child with SEN or a disability? He might leave you and you'd be left to cope alone, wondering what the fuck you did that for.

My friend had her children when she was very late 40's. She is now 55 with primary school aged children, one of whom has SEN and is quite violent. She will be almost 70, before she can even think about getting any freedom back. I know you're only 39, but the chances are, you'd be 40/41 by the time you gave birth, so you'd be 64 by the time you were back to your current situation, of your child being 23. And lets not forget, your child could be the same age as a grandchild.

It's a hard no from me.

You are not being unreasonable but I think you should make it very clear to your dh that you have no intention of ever having another child. That way, he can decide whether this is a deal breaker for him.

Absolutely this!!

I bet you would be singing from the my body my choice hymnsheet if OP was posting saying she wanted her DH to have a vasectomy

You can’t outsource being a mum. This is nonsense. where are the best interests of the child if their mum is ‘oh I didn’t want you, your dad did, so I’m busy and have outsourced my parental contribution’
Only have a child if you are ready to give 100%. From your post you are not in that place so the answer has to be a No and DH and you will have to deal with what that means for your relationship.

hi op i had my son at 16 hes 21 now and like you i worked hard to get where i am along with the young mum stigma.
Nothing in this world would make me want a baby now been there done it not doing it again im 38 this year and i love all the freedom.
I can do what i please when i want.
Im single living free my son moved out i work i go on holidays in peace its bliss.

Your body, your choice. What kind of a world would the child be coming into?

@dazedandconfuseddaily did your DH take on a supportive, caring role as stepfather to your DD or was he just ‘Mum’s partner’?

You definitely shouldn’t consider having another child unless YOU want one. It’s almost always women who are left as single parents when men decide they can’t cope/find fatherhood too difficult/fancy a younger woman/are bored.

And just to add, when DH and I met, I already had two children, and he had none. I was 38 at the time, and he was 35. I made it very clear, that it wasn't my responsibility to give him a child, because he hadn't managed to have one at 35.

By my calculations, your DH was 34 when you met. He could have chosen to have a baby at any time, in the previous 16 years and he didn't. It's not your problem to solve. You are not Rent-A-Womb.

As you know, having a child is a life long commitment. Mine only really stopped needing help, once they were out of Uni, and into well paid employment. So, at maybe aged 23. So, you'd be 63, and your DH would be 68, by the time you could really step down financially.

YANBU. Don't bring a child into this world that isn't completely wanted by both parents. Your husband can't even walk the dog 50% of the time, there is absolutely no way he could be a primary carer of the child. He sounds fairly delusional to me in what he thinks looking after children entails. Send him to the regretful parents sub in reddit, it's a sad place. Children should only be brought into this world completely wanted by parents who understand what raising a child involves. The two of you don't meet either criteria. Stick to your guns OP.