My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

@BlackShuck3

He wanted to feed his ego, prove to himself that he's still young and still got it.
At least it's him that's paying the price for his folly and the young woman involved is able to invest in herself & her earning potential.
(Hopefully if she has any more children she won't be wanting to use low quality old man sperm to fertilize her youthful eggs)

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Well, despite some strong competition over the years, that's just about the most unpleasant, unkind, unnecessary post I've ever seen on Mumsnet.

I think you need to be clear you don’t want one and he needs to understand a no is a no and he needs to be able to do with that whatever he likes. He may decide it’s more important to have a child with someone else but no woman should feel pressured into having a child she doesn’t want.

Neither of you are unreasonable. But if he really does want a child, you will need to break up, so that he can pursue that dream. Unfortunately, it's one of those things which is irreconcilable in a relationship, imo. It must be really hard and upsetting for both of you.

At 39/40 isn’t it incredibly difficult to get pregnant anyway? And have a healthy child?

Of course it’s possible, but the odds are stacked against you. If he really wanted another child surely he would’ve been more persistent about this year ago?

Yeah, some men genuinely want to be dads, DH did, he’s bloody knackered but he wouldn’t wish DD away for anything, it wasn’t an ego trip, it was similar I think to the desire some women have.

Exactly, sperm quality decreases as men age.
If I was a young woman now who wanted to have children I would choose a young healthy man to father them.

@dazedandconfuseddaily so a few years ago you’d have done it if he stepped up. Now you aren’t feeling you’re physically in the right place, your career has moved on, he still hasn’t stepped up AND you nearly died the first time? No, you don’t have to give any reason either, but there’s plenty. Your body, your choice.

I’ve not voted, but I’m assuming the 11% don’t think you are unreasonable for not wanting a child, but unreasonable for giving him the impression 7 years ago that you’d be up for it if he met certain criteria- but really even then it was a no, and perhaps you should have ben clearer then that it was a complete no when he was still mid-30s.

But the past is past, you can’t change that, only be really honest and avoid any kind of hope you’ll be up for it- tell him there is no way you would be prepared to have a baby. If he wants to be a father he needs to end the marriage and find someone else. if he stays with you it needs to be a conscious choice.

if you did have a baby now, I presume it would be a very different experience to many women at your age as I assume you can afford at least one full time staff member, be it a nanny or housekeeper/cleaner. But then there would probably be an assumption you’d be working by 6/7weeks. Would he really be ok being the one trying to work from home with a baby at home with a nanny?

So true. I had my one and only in my 20's and it took me ages to recover physically, dread to think what this would have been like in later life. Plus the lack of sleep for the first two years all but finished me off. I know you can't predict what kind of birth or what your baby will be like but what is challenging to a young woman could floor us at an older age.

You are not being unreasonable, and neither is he. You both have a right to your entirely reasonable views. The problem is not that either is being unreasonable but that you hold different views on the subject.

It is a bit of an unfair contest in a way as you are the one whose body has to take the hit, so in a way you hold the upper hand. It must be hard for him to know he will never be a Dad, just as there are many women on this site who are sad that their spouses will not give them the chance to be mothers. We sympathise with them, so it is reasonable to recognise his disappointment.

Love this idea.😂

I saw a TV show where a class of American teenagers all got given such a doll as an assignment for a week - it cried, needed changing etc, and somehow recorded whether it had been well looked after or not so that the assignment could be marked.
So it must be possible to buy them somewhere.

He can go off and have a baby elsewhere and obs I am totally correct in thinking that on mumsnet not having a child equals death.jesus.

I don't think a not being fazed feeling about having kids seven years ago means that you must remain open to it forever.
You're allowed to say that you're too old and that's done for you. He had 7 years to pursue this more with you.
I'm a little older than you and the thought of a baby now makes me want to run for the hills. You are not too far away from perimenopause which may be hard for you and honestly a baby would not be a good addition to that.
If you have another baby you are into another 18 year cycle of child tearing which you've already done, you've one life and are entitled to spend it as you please.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel
Would he really be ok being the one trying to work from home with a baby at home with a nanny?
How many of us have been in a relationship where the man said all the right things and gave us every reason to believe that he would be a good man who stepped up to be a parent. But then when we were trapped he did the exact opposite.

I just wouldn't be able to trust him op. He'll tell you what you want to hear but when it comes down to it he won't want to do the boring menial stressful limiting work.
He'll be like every other bloke who wants to bask in the glory of having sired an offspring and then carry on life as normal while you're the one that makes all the sacrifices and takes all the hits.

Despite what some other posters have said, your post is only half unreasonable.

We don't know what the man in question is thinking - he may be have been longing to be a father, and is now happy and delighted with his life, or he may have been wanting to feed his ego in the face of a mid-life crisis and now be bitterly resenting the way things have turned out. We don't know. The autism of the child is irrelevant - any perfectly healthy neurotypical child can be a "difficult" baby or toddler.

And yes, it is wise for young women to seek a relatively young father for their baby/babies, as sperm does decline with the man's age.

Do you have any friends or relatives anywhere that can lend you a couple of small children for him to look after for the day? Make sure they pack them off with glitter and musical toys.

Alternatively, your daughter is 23 - could she make signs that she's feeling broody? He might be a bit shocked at the idea of having a baby and a grandchild the same age.

Of course you aren't unreasonable. I'd say you have had a lucky escape considering he can't even do his fair share of walking the dog or stuff around the house. You don't want a baby with a man like that.

Presumably when you had the original conversation then, you didn’t actually say you were “not fazed?” Because in addition to not being able to spell it, you also don’t seem to know what it means.

If someone said they were “not fazed” about having another child it would mean at the worst that they didn’t mind one way or the other. But in the usual way that phrase is used, it more means that while they wouldn’t be actively trying, they would be absolutely fine with having another child - it wouldn’t faze them.

Presumably from this reply of yours, you actually said to him “I do not want another child”?

Both of these suggestions are ridiculous

Not linked to this post… but OP, you had a child at 16 and are now on the BoD of large corporates at 39. You sound absolutely kick-ass!! I would love to hear your story

@dazedandconfuseddaily
Fathers aged 40+ are more likely to father a child with SEN such as ASD and ADHD.
Mothers over 35 are more likely to have a child with Downs, for example, and more likely to have twins.

Another consideration here then would be if you were to split up that you he'd possibly get custody and to stay in the house if he was the primary carer.

Now of course that may suit you but it also might not and could mean that you feel more trapped with him.

In those situations the spouse isn’t denying them to the change to be mothers/fathers - they’re adults capable of prioritising having children and leaving relationships with people that don’t want them. That they choose not to is on them.

No one is owed a child by someone else.

I’d stay as you are OP, I think there’s a huge risk for resentment if you have a baby. You clearly have worked hard and love your life and career.

I wouldn’t have another child in your shoes, so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for not wanting one.

However, I don’t think you’ve been as clear as you think you have been. It sounds like you should have said ‘I don’t want children’ to make it very clear. Whereas you’ve left your DH with hope.

“I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child.”
That’s not saying that you don’t want another child.

“And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying”.
That’s letting him think that you aren’t totally against having another child.

”…to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it”.
Again, that’s been giving him hope, it didn’t made it clear that you don’t want another child at all.

“Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea” the examples above to me aren’t someone not willing to entertain the idea.

“And from the off I’ve always said if it was a must for him then we wouldn’t work.”
Telling him that you don’t want another child at all would have been clearer.