To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

I don't think you overreacted at all.

A 13 year old shouldn't be leaving the house without telling an adult where they're going at the best of times, but sneaking out in the middle of the night so no adult knew where they were is completely unacceptable and yes, I'd be giving out and shouting and leaving them in no doubt as to how stupid they'd been and how scared I was.

If my DC was the other boy I'd be mortified that he'd behaved so badly and very grateful to you for reading the riot act, which I'd be repeating at home.

Well several posters have expressed that they would not like it if their DC went to a sleepover and had this experience - so that.

OTOH if the child has parents who would be more upset at their own child's behaviour than the parent's, then they are likely not to mention it at all!

He won’t be doing it again in a hurry I bet. Your way and they’d be out again next time for an even bigger adventure.

Life is not as rosy as a Famous Five book.

I don't think you over-reacted because when I was about his age, I did a stupid thing on similar lines. My Dad went stratospheric over it and, I want to say it was a turning point for me but that sounds like a cliche. After it, I was far more cautious about what I was doing though and I was the better for it as it sort of 'engaged brain'.

I don't understand the people saying you overreacted. You were understandably scared and upset and they saw that. It's a natural consequence of their actions, which I think is the best way of teaching our child, when safely possible. And it sounds like it was effective as ops son sounded genuinely sorry.

Mumsnet seems to be full of robots who only ever speak calmly to their child. I'm not sure how they do it, but I'm also not sure how their kids learn about normal human emotions or empathy to be honest. She was upset, she showed it. As long as she wasn't violent or shouting abuse. I'm not saying always shouting at your kids is ok, but if you only do it occasionally it can show how serious something is, and how their actions have affected others.

Also, at 13 they are getting to the age where sneaking out could be to do something more illicit then sit on a bridge. Not saying it was, but I don't know why posters assume it's some innocent jape either. There are all sorts of pressures for some teenagers, and them sneaking around is a red flag, so more exploration around why is needed (although with adhd in particular I accept that it just seeming a fun ideas is very possible). And yes maybe it is a rite of passage, but so are lots of things that parents aren't supposed to just condone! Part of being a teenager is making mistakes but ideally also learning from them!

I'm not sure more punishment necessarily needed if he seemed genuinely sorry, but I would have a chat about not being sure if you could trust him to have / go on sleepovers for a while, so he sees what consequences there could be.

But if their child went to a sleepover, crept out of a window in the night and was hit by a drunk driver, they would be fine with that because youthful hi-jinks and no one was cross with them?

I really don't think sneaking out is a rite of passage. None of mine did it.

The responses! OP hasn’t beaten them, or locked them in a cupboard. She just gave them a well-deserved bollocking and removed their phones.

OP, you asked if it was normal behaviour for teens. Yes it is, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. They do stupid things, and they need firm boundaries to help them navigate this dumbass phase. You haven’t done anything wrong. Do people expect you to just roll your eyes and say “Come on back home with you, you pair of scamps.”? You can see how children end up feral when they have parents who allow them to run riot with no consequences.

At least I think I know what gentle parenting is now lol.

You overreacted (quite a bit) - a bollocking was of course appropriate, but it’s OTT that having done that you are still enraged.

They are being 13 and having an adventure

If the police has been called and turned up they’d have got a telling off that’s all, you are not in danger from an open window, they are 13 and not in dramatically more danger at night than they would be out in the day

This morning I would say that you were half asleep, realise you overreacted - sorry about that, given you did there will be no punishments (this time) and here are your phones, however don’t do it again - now would anyone like pancakes for breakfast - style it out

You did not overreact. You're being a normal protective parent and like you said you were responsible for the friend too. The fact that he apologised shows you've raised him well. So keep doing whatever you're doing :)!

I think you should stop sleepovers for a while - it's not acceptable that you have children in the house and they are awake, you are asleep and you haven't a clue what they are doing.

It actually is ok to lose your shit once in a while when it’s justified. That doesn’t equate to an abusive, neglected childhood.

It is not a huge mistake and it doesn’t need an apology.

You were acting reasonably for the circumstances.
You were entrusted with the care of your child and their friend.
They went missing at night!
Kids should learn that some of their behaviour creates fear and results in adults being angry and taking their devices for a time etc.
All ended up well but it doesn't always.
They were behaving in a risky manner. Could have broken a bone, been robbed, been offered alcohol or attacked by thugs etc. They should never be making you anxious about where they are. They were not trustworthy.

If more parents kept track of their kids at night, there would be no teenage gangs prowling about committing petty crimes and making the streets feel dangerous.

I would not punish your child any more (they've had a shock) but I would normalise "no devices after bed time" anyway.

An open window in many places would be an invitation for a quick bit of opportunistic theft or worse. I am not a drama llama and tend to downplay the "anything could have happened" but to say there's no danger from an open window is a bit far even for me.

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I agree, this thread feels likes it's full of "boys will be boys" excuses. Yes teenagers do stupid risky things but if you take the same tone over this as you would with them treading mud over your clean floors then how are they to learn some things are far more serious than others. They went out and left a house unsecured in the middle of the night. There was a risk to them and to you. That is unacceptable and thoughtless.

I wouldn't have given them their phones back and I wouldn't apologise for shouting. I'm not a shouty person but I can understand your panic at finding them both missing in the middle of the night. Would you rather tell another child's parents you shouted at their child or that their child went missing/came to harm in your care?

I had two teenage stepsons who regularly used to leave doors unlocked and windows wide open when they left the house and no one else was at home. I tried very calm conversations with them about the risks and about how insurance would not cover any theft if the house had been left unsecured but it made no difference. I returned home one day to find the house totally unsecured again but this time I called the culprit, who was out having fun with friends, and made him come home to shut all the windows he had opened and left open. He was very annoyed at the inconvenience but guess what, he never did it again and clearly the lesson was also effective for his brother because he didn't either.

I haven't read all the replies, though I have read all yours OP, and can see the generally terrible parenting advice that can be found in AIBU has helped you feel better about it all!

Yes it is normal for 13yos to test boundaries, and yes it is normal for them not to understand the risks they incur/place on others. And it should be absolutely normal for parents to enforce those boundaries when they have been breached, so how you reacted was, imo, entirely appropriate. If you don't provide clearly articulated boundaries, then how the hell is he supposed to develop his own understanding of appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, which he can then use towards developing his own independence?

There is a difference between them sneaking off, and him and his friend asking whether they could go out independently (I.e. being honest) and being supported in this. I guess the next conversation when you're all cooled off is about honesty and seeing how you can help him gain some age appropriate independence. But I'm sure you know this - sounds like your gut reaction was on the nail to me. Xx

No they didn’t. They just wouldn’t have. It would have held no interest to them to sneak out in the early hours to wander the streets. What they may or may not have done at someone else’s house I don’t know but not their own house.

Unbelievable. Nothing happened this time. They were lucky. And life isn’t an adventure book where everything has a happy ending is it ? There are no drunk drivers, paedophiles, murderers or chances of anything remotely unpleasant happening to the heroes in the story are there ? Not to mention nasty burglars, or worse, getting into the hero’s mum’s house because it’s been left open and unsecured. None of that matters because they were in the pursuit of ‘adventure’.

And if you think the biggest issue here is spoiling the sleepover and making her DS cry, that says more about your fairytale view of life than it does about the OP making sure these two boys understand the gravity of what they did and ensuring that they won’t do it again.

Bloody hell! If I had done this at 13 I would have had and eye roll and told not to do it again. It’s seems so less fun to be a kid these days. Let them have a little adventure!

Your parenting was on point. Some of the responses on here must be by non-parents or those that never worry about their kids. The only thing I wouldn’t do is add extra punishment.

At 2am, and having put the OP at risk by leaving the house open ? I wouldn’t have thought this would be high on most parents’ list of acceptable ‘fun’ !!

So you don’t mind if your children sneak out in the early hours? Can I ask how old your children are? Actually they probably don’t need to sneak out they can just leave with your blessing at 2 in the morning at age 13.

I notice you say ‘if’ so you didn’t actually do it yourself?

Would all the posters who are totally cool with two thirteen year old boys sneaking out around the neighborhood after midnight be this cool if they were two teenage girls?

Whenever I see headlines about teenage boys who have drowned in rivers (multiple times every summer) I think it's normally boys because a) they take risks but b) people seem far happier to not know where their boys are and what they are doing. If people took more interest in the whereabouts of their boys these things wouldn't happen.

And let's not forget that Holly and Jessica snuck out one day in broad daylight to buy some sweets and they never came home. Innocent rite of passage yeah?

OP I absolutely do not think you overreacted and would have been furious if my son did this, and I'd have told him too in no uncertain terms.

My god.