To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

I think is clear that your anger came from a place of fear, which is absolutely understandable.

I think you need to have a calm chat with your son about why it’s not acceptable to sneak out of the house at 2am, and maybe the punishment could be no more sleepovers for a good while.

No, of course you didn't over react, OP. I would have felt just the same as you. Their behaviour was completely unacceptable and I hope you tell the other boy's parents what they did when they collect him.

Omg everyone losing their heads over you shouting ! They’re only 13 and you are responsible for them and they did something totally stupid. If my DC were staying at a friends and they did this I would be shocked if the parent calmly brought them home and gave them a pat on the head. I’d expect them to be scared and angry and for my DC to understand this.

I would accept your DS’s apology but not let your DS have any sleepovers for a while. I’d also make sure you call the friends parent tomorrow and properly explain what happened.

I don't think it will harm two 13 year old to learn that disappearing in the middle of the night scares people, that leaving a downstairs window open exposes everyone to harm and that people, when really frightened, blow up like fireworks once they know they're safe.

They've been thoughtless and that's the 13 year old bit. The rest is a learning experience. It's hard. You want them to have respect for potential danger but you don't want to squash the adventure out of them.

Maybe a supervised "out at night" adventure via Scouts or another club might find that balance.

Oh, and I'd have raged at them too, I expect. It's a normal reaction, despite what the saints say.

You did right and reacted in a way that made it clear that they were stupid. You were in loco parentis for the other child too. Sometimes 'calm' doesn't work and you have to be visibly angry for teens to 'get' it.

I’d have been livid as well and they needed a shock to know it isn’t ok.

That said, I know this has happened more than once in my son’s friend group around the same age, so I don’t think it’s especially unusual to try and do this

This. Nothing happened, its what kids do in all the adventure books, climb out of windows at night. You could have said it wasn't tge cleverest thing to do, leaving the house like that without making him cry and spoiling the sleepover.

YANBU at all imho op but in the morning you need to have a calmer word explaining why you reacted as you did and emphasise to your ds how you are acting in loco parentis and it’s very important that (a) he should be setting an example for his guests and (b) keeping them safe and not exposing them to any risk.

Explain that he broke your trust in him and the more trustworthy he can be, the more liberty he can have. And that the reverse is also true!

A natural consequence to this will be the next time he wants to go somewhere on his own, you can say, but how can I trust you after how you behaved with your friend? You didn’t show me that you can be responsible etc?

I'd have reacted as you did. My ds is 13. There'd be no sleepovers for months if he did this.

Around here (city ) there'd be a big risk of having a run in with unsavoury types. They'd have been lucky to not be robbed plus the security risk round here with theft via open window is vvvvvvhigh. 14 yo boys have been stabbed around Manchester.

I think its a mistake to assume all bad things only happen in cities.

Honestly at that age I was breaking all kind of boundaries and it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to do! Plenty of kids this age sneak out and go to clubs.
I think you were right to be angry but it's all part of growing up, and you shouldn't punish him further.

They were naughty and got a bollocking 🤷‍♀️

I'd have been the same op.

Some of the responses on here 🙄

They'd have come back again and OP would be none the wiser.

I haven't read the full thread as all the sanctimoniousness was irritating me.

They did a stupid thing, they got a bollocking, hopefully they won't do anything daft like that again.

If my child behaved like that at someone's else's house I would be grateful that they had been screamed at!

This could have gone horribly wrong.

Actually, my parents were calm and accepting the majority of the time. But if we scared them, they reacted as humans. My mum has a shorter fuse than my dad, but they're both humans.

I am so much more chilled and relaxed than any of my mum friends. But I'm also human and if sometimes people react in a human way, it doesn't make them bad.

OP is getting a right bashing here, which I feel is unfair.

She panicked. She’s looking after someone else’s kid aswell, so you have an extra responsibility there. Her reaction came from that fear and panic.

Chat with them over breakfast today OP. Why you reacted the way you did and how dangerous it was to do what they did when you are meant to be caring for someone else’s child.

Kids do stupid things and sometimes just need reminding that their actions can have real consequences for other people.

It's fine. They did something incredibly stupid and you reacted how most parents would in the middle of the night. Sometimes they need to see the raw reaction. If my son did this at your house I'd be completely fine with your reaction.

Don't be so sure, my parents never knew I sneaked out at night and I never told them, I think you might be surprised! And by the way breaking a few boundaries is a healthy adolescent rite of passage.

It’s youthful silliness but not without risk which warranted a stronger parental reaction than the one you deploy when they eat all the snacks in one go or leave plates in the lounge. I’m baffled by the “over reaction” comments. Hope OP got some sleep!

Whereas if my 13 year old had left the house with his mate whilst at a sleepover and been wandering around the streets at 2:30 am I would have been FAR more concerned if there hadn't been quite a scene when they were found. My child would go back for a sleepover again only if the other boy's parents had shown that they were angry and upset with both boys.

He would not have gone back ever if the parents had shrugged, giggled and said "boys, eh?!" Because I would clearly not share parenting philosophy with them.

The other child will complain about what, exactly? What do they have to complain about?!

My Dd and three of her friends did this when they were 14! I was absolutely livid with them, they shouldn’t be climbing out of windows in the middle of the night and “going for a walk”.

I don’t blame you at all @GerbilsForever24 for being angry and think you’ve handled it well.

Sounds like a massive over-reaction - and if you type the magic Mumsnet words 'We live very rurally' it will confirm your crazy response to two 13 y/os pushing their boundaries.

I wonder if OP got a lot of US mums answering because these answers are bizarre. How on earth is a mum getting angry and shouting a bit considered worse than a child disappearing through an open window in the middle of the night and wandering around on streets where nefarious people could be out?

No wonder so many young people have problems, they never get decent boundaries. No wonder so many men make bad parents, they dont get taught respect for others.

Yes the behaviour was unacceptable, leaving your house insecure meant they could have lost all their possessions (except they probably had the phones on them). Taking phones away so they'd not stay up would also give them an idea of what it would be like if their possessions had been stolen. I would have no problem with another parent doing that and giving the phone back in the morning. I'd also understand if the parent phoned me to come and collect my child after behaviour like that and I'd be telling my child they were thoughtless and irresponsible.

and perhaps my usual reminder that it's school holidays and anyone can pretend to be a parent online.....