To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

What a load of old ‘gentle parenting’ bollocks.

Then your parents were irresponsible and neglectful. Great example.

I think you reacted exactly right to be honest, can’t believe the number of people that would be so blasé about two 13-year-olds sneaking out and wandering around. I know they weren’t far, but also they weren’t just sat in the back garden!

This. Then the kid knows they have actually crossed into dangerous behaviour.

Im interest to know what the parents of the other kid say when he gets home today. I’d be so angry if mine went along with this at a friends house.
If the parents shrugged it off like normal behaviour he’d never be sleeping over again.

Some of the parenting views on here beggars belief. Are they from actual parents?

Anyone who thinks it’s ok for a 13yr old to sneak out the house at 2am needs to re-evaluate what parenting means. Ironically those who think it’s ok don’t need their children to sneak out, just wave them off with a cheery ‘have fun’ when they go out at 2 in the morning.

When I’ve read about young teens getting into trouble or getting killed (‘joy’ riding etc) I always wondered how come that young teen is out so late.

I would have been extremely cross too. You've been given the responsibility of looking after someone else's child in your home. If anything had happened to this child and your own son, you would never be able to forgive yourself. It's late at night, what if they were kidnapped or been run over by accident. The kids need boundaries so you were right to tell them off and be angry.

Are you a parent yourself?

Not bollocks at all. A lot of posts on this thread seem to be based on the idea that if a kid misbehaves, you shout at them and if they really misbehave, you really shout at them. It’s so dysfunctional and counterproductive, especially with teens. If they’ve done something seriously wrong you need to address it seriously, not by ranting and raving.

How funny, I have literally just read an article this morning about how not to fall into the trap of being a "cool" parent and how to set sensible boundaries - maybe should share it for the strange people on this thread who seem to think that OP has overreacted??

OP I would have done the same - only on Mumsnet can you get a roasting for "committing fraud" by sneaking an extra child into a hotel room to use a freely available bed but also have people think there should be no consequences for a child sneaking out in the middle of the night and that you should basically just lighten up.

Absolutely bonkers

I really don't think you've over reacted. I'm sorry but not shouting or showing how angry you are is why we have so many kids doing what they want! Parents are to scared to punish or give consequences but when they're child does something really bad and they're out of control they'll say I don't know how this happened.

If this was my 13 year old and you didn't tell him off I wouldn't be impressed. It is the job of parents to guide and educate. Kids won't see the dangers or understand the fear when you find your child, and someone else's, gone, so it is our job to tell them. A bit of shouting won't kill them and if it scares them into not doing stupid things again then all good.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable. There’s no good reason for them being outside alone in the early hours and it’s the kind of behaviour that can lead into worse things. Putting a firm boundary in place and making it clear that this is not acceptable is exactly the right thing to do.

If I was the parent of the other child I’d be horrified too. Ignore the mumsnet “let your kids do whatever they want” squad, you did the right thing.

If I had sneaked out in the middle of the night at that age, I would have been grounded and had my pocket money stopped for several weeks. At 13 I still had to be home by 9pm and I would never have dared to climb out of my window in the middle of the night.

I don't think you overreacted, though I'm sure in hindsight you might change your reaction in front of the other boy, but ultimately what they did was stupid, they knew what they were doing even with ADHD involved (ADHD parent here).

I'd speak to the other parent today, apologise for your reaction if you feel that is necessary, and sleepovers would be off the table for a while for me.

I don't think you've over reacted, two 13 years old out on their own at 2am. Going out and leaving the window wide open.

They are old enough to know better and if mine did that I'd be livid. If my kid was staying at the sleepover, I would care they'd beens shouted at by the parents.

I'm sure it's all innocent, but what on earth were they thinking?

Nonsense. We are specifically talking about this specific event. No one has said indiscriminate shouting is ok.

I can understand you being worried when they weren't in the house. However, how likely is it that they would have come to any harm? My concern would be that they will now have a disproportionate anxiety about the world outside.

I don't think you over reacted, you must have been horribly worried until you spotted them. They left your house insecure, as well as putting themselves in possible danger. It is good for them to realise their behaviour can affect and upset you. You have apologised and returned the phones, however your outburst will stick with them far more than a calm telling off, and they may think twice before doing anything as impulsive in the future.

So are parents supposed to weigh up the likelihood of them coming to harm before they leave the house at 2am?

My school friend’s sister was murdered as a teenager by a random stranger. Things DO happen!

The OPs stress levels would have been SO high. She went into the bedroom in the middle of the night and her child and child's friend weren't there. That would have been so worrying! She acted in the way any normal person would.

Usually when a parent shouts it's because they are stressed, regardless of the situation, whether it's a big deal or not.

Everyone's different, some people naturally don't raise their voice when stressed like that, but most do because it's just a normal human reaction. If you don't, trust me you'll do other things that don't make you a perfect parent. Maybe you're too permissive and neglectful. Maybe you think giving the silent treatment is a better form of communication? (worse imo). Maybe you allow your child to be around inappropriate behaviour. Maybe you swear at them, or insult them. No one is perfect, but I think shouting at a child who's done wrong is way better than the other things I mentioned.

The reprimand was for exiting the house, via a window, in the early hours of the morning not for leaving the house via a door during reasonable hours.

"Disproportionate anxiety about the world outside', give me strength. I would expect the news to do more damage in that regard.

OP you were responsible for the other child and you got a fright.
I can definitely understand that.
I have actually specifically said no going out at night when sleepovers happened here as we are very urban, so it can be a thing getting up and sneaking out.
I think you know you were a bit too angry but you got a fright.
When they wake up explain again that you got a terrible fright to find them gone.
You had woken up from sleep so your senses were heightened too.
Good luck.

Sure- I have sympathy for OP who was obviously very stressed. That’s not the same as saying that shouting is the right way to deal with this or that dealing with it more calmly is “gentle parenting bollocks”.

Her son did something he hadn’t thought through. OP responded without thinking it through. Today she might reflect a bit and come up with a way to talk about it that actually conveys the issue.

if a kid misbehaves, you shout at them and if they really misbehave, you really shout at them.

Where has anyone said this? We're not talking about OP's example of not emptying the dishwasher here. I haven't seen a single post advocating shouting for day to day boldness.