To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

If I'd have put my mum through finding an empty bedroom and not knowing where we were when she was responsible for other people's children, she'd have been fucking furious and rightly so!

I would never have dreamt of doing that. Nor did anyone I knew of either gender.

At age 13, we did do a fair amount of lying about where we were so we could all meet up and drink in a field somewhere so we weren't exactly angels. But I don't think sneaking out a window is normal except for in American films!

I don’t think you did anything wrong. This is what was called parenting year’s ago. Even being annoyed at the friend was fine. Welcome to proper, not namby pamby, parenting.

Exactly this.

So interesting comparing this thread to the one a few weeks ago about the girls of a similar age going at 4.30am to watch the sunrise, with the mother's knowledge. That was full of scare stories about what could have happened and how appalling the host parent was and what an incredibly dangerous thing to do. I don't believe it's been said but let's assume these lads are not strapping rugby players, they could be just as vulnerable and in this case the mum had no idea they were leaving the house.

OP I think it's perfectly reasonable that you reacted in the moment as you did and as a one off it will do no harm. If it makes an impression that they remember then good. And removing the phones for a few hours so they'd actually sleep too is not some appalling infringement of rights. If the kid has to stew for a few hours and actually think about it before disturbing his mum in the small hours to complain about being shouted at, that's fine.

You know, most adults can show their feelings and express them to children (and adults) without shouting in a “super scary” way that scares them to tears.

If you don’t know how to do this, I highly recommend a parenting class on communicating with teenagers.

Losing your shit is something that should rarely happen, and if it ever does it should NEVER be justified as appropriate, proportionate, good for the kid/adult, or the only way to make them understand. It is something that should be recognised as a huge mistake, and should be apologised for.

Kids growing up thinking it’s ok to lose your shit and shout, turn into partners that shout, and then parents that shout.

I would be livid. And I would be fine with a mum shouting at my kids and taking their phones if they had done this. I would not have been happy with a mum that barely reacted. My kid would probably not come to a sleepover to yours any time soon, not because of the way you reacted, but because he doesn't behave mature enough to go to sleepovers.

My sons never sneaked out at night. Rite of passage my arse.

It is basic safeguarding, actually.

Parents provide phones to their children so they can contact them when needed.

Things happen to children at sleepovers, this is just a fact. Obviously not accusing OP, but sexual abuse is most common from rrlatives or from people known to the family.

Many people dont let their child have sleepovers for this reason.

Taking away a child's way to contact their parents is unacceptable.

Sure, kids don't need their phones all the time, but the parent can deal with that.

Not when the child is in someone else's home overnight.

Even OP acknowledges in her following updates that it wasn't okay to do this and gave it back.

Mumsnet at its most mad.

OP I would have been very stern and very frightened too, and I may have shouted. The only thing I would do is call the other boy's parents before he goes home, to explain what happened.

Interesting, because in my head I was comparing it to the post about Kirstie Alley's 15 year old son on a 3 week interrailing holiday with a mate where most of the posts were in full support of children being able to do that!

Why is it setting a precedent ? Why wouldn’t her son be open with her ? From OP’s update he clearly knows they were wrong. OP was In loco parentis and responsible for the safety of both children. I’m shocked by some of these replies. They weren’t ‘just two little boys exploring’ as another poster put it. They left the house in the middle of the night, and left OP’s house unsecured. The shouty reaction and ‘disproportionate’ anger was, no doubt, as a result the sheer panic of waking up and finding them gone, and, afterwards the thought of what could have happened. I also think she was entirely justified in taking their phones, so there were no distractions to sleep, and their minds were concentrated on what they had done. And despite some of the holier than thou comments here, l doubt any of you would have reacted differently in the moment.

What needs to happen now is for OP to sit them down in the cold light of day and explain to them why she was so angry, the risk they took, and what could have happened to them - and herself. They need to know they put her at risk from burglary or worse, by leaving the house open like that. Thirteen is not too young to be expected to know that actions have consequences.

My sons never sneaked out at night.

My mum would say the same thing. She'd be wrong, of course

I’d be utterly fuming: they left through a window in the middle of the night at 13!!!

I don’t think you did anything wrong.
you had a fright for their safety & well-being and hopefull the other parent will understand that too and appreciate that you acted to keep their son safe and not just let them do whatever.
the fact your son was crying and apologised shows he accepts you had a right to be upset & hopefully means he understand what he did was wrong, with them so I also don’t think their needs to be further consequence this time (but you could be clear there will be if it happens again?)
hopefully today will be a calmer day for everyone 😌

You woke up in the middle of the night and found the boys missing. I would have been absolutely terrified, and then furious when I found them.

It does kids no harm to occasionally see their parents properly angry. It sounds like you made your point, and that he understood. The fact that he was upset shows that a) it's unusual for you to shout at him, and b) he cares about your opinion of him- these are both good things.

Those parents saying you overreacted are the ones whose teenagers are regularly out all hours terrorising your neighbourhood.

I can't believe people are saying she over reacted because she shouted. Shouted? And took their phone away so they'd go to bed? So what!

No wonder kids are so entitled and think they can just do what they want these days!!

"And despite some of the holier than thou comments here, l doubt any of you would have reacted differently in the moment"

Absolutely 💯

But you’ve dealt with it now. Terrified them (righteously), sent them to bed with no phone. All done. All’s well that ends well!

No need for anything else.

And when they heard you looking they came straight back rather than running off giggling.

It’s fine. It’s done.

If I were DS's friend's parents, I would have been furious if she hadn’t taken it very seriously. His parents agreed to leaving him in her charge, and I’m sure they would be horrified to know that he left the house in the middle of the night, thus putting himself at risk as well as causing her huge anxiety. I don’t think OP "showed disproportionate anger" or overreacted at all.

How is that comparable though ? Not that l think KA was right, but she sanctioned the trip and he was with an older companion. Two little boys sneaking out in the middle of the night and leaving the house open is an entirely different scenario.

I really don't think shouting/ not shouting/ firm voice etc is the issue. Sometimes dc need a telling off to know they've done something dangerous or very wrong. Like running in front of a car, or running into a stormy sea, or stealing a sweet from a shop or hitting another child or pulling the wings off an insect..

It doesn't damage a child to hear an adult occasionally cross when they've done really wrong. Its massively different from a shouty home.

OP you have handled this well. They won't do it again.

This.

I think this is fine, and with ADHD it's helpful to outline the risks, and show him that he DOES need to think things through before he acts. Even if his only pause is "Wait this is going to make mum turn into screaming banshee again" - that's a helpful pause. It won't help to sugar coat it or retract, even though we all know shouting and screaming isn't excellent parenting, sometimes it's a totally proportionate human reaction.

Reassure him that you love him, laugh at yourselves, you for freaking out, him for the silliness of the idea in the first place, give some minor token sanction and then draw a line under it. Seriously, no harm done!! Nothing needs to be extreme here. MN has become very strange and polarised on parenting issues - I'm sure it never used to be this bad.

Up to you if you contact the other parent and let them know. Probably depends on whether the child is likely to complain to their own parent, or keep quiet in the hope that they don't get into further trouble.

I’ve only done a couple of sleepovers but they’re not allowed to have phones with them in bed, that’s just asking for trouble!

OP wasn’t in the slightest bit unreasonable but some of the posters on this thread are brewing up trouble fir themselves in the future, if they carry on with their permissive non-parenting.

Talk calmly in the morning when everyone has had a sleep then move on.