To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

There is nothing wrong with children seeing that their parents at times their emotions are heightened it’s later that discussions can happen on the dangers

no one is advocating shouting at children all the time

its reality it’s life a measured calm response is not what always happens in real life

A lot of people are getting confused with shouting once because of a potentially dangerous and scary situation and being from a dysfunctional shouty household.

We all know that constant shouting is bad parenting but there is nothing wrong with a shout for specific incident. How many non-shouty parents have yelled at their child for running into the road and said child cried. Doesn’t make make them a bad parent does it!

If the situation had been the same as the OP’s, I open a window to look for them and there they are, I can see them without me having to call them I would have asked “hey what are you up to?” and if it were “just sitting having a chat on the footbridge” I would have said “Be careful, make sure door is locked when you come in. Wake me if you need anything”

Total nonevent. I don’t consider it sneaking out to just go outside right by your home for a chat with a friend who is sleeping over. A walk and a chat.

Sneaking out is to go to a green and drink with friends, or out to a pub to meet a boy, or hop on the train to London.

If the teen had taken a dog out at 2am for a piddle just round the corner the responses would be very different.

Its not the only conception of parenting, it's just the norm in situations like this. Which I would class as quite extreme. Please tell me how to "discipline" a child without shouting, taking a phone away and giving further consequences. Because this is what the OP did and has been told it's OTT.

And don't say you'd calmly tell them the risks. That's not disciplining or dealing with the situation. That's talking to them. There's more to parenting than talking to kids. If you think everything can be resolved around 'talking and explaining risks' you either have feral little shits as kids or you have naturally very obedient children.

@ToBeDetermined you really really need to read things properly.

No, I couldn't. I opened an upstairs window to look out to see if they were lurking near by and didn't see them, but I think they heard the window open. So they came back. I was just about to call them as they reappeared.

OP COULDN'T see them. They happened to come back at the right time , so she thinks they might've heard the window. They simply could've been back anyway. You and her have no idea where they were, how far away or what they were doing.

You're deliberately minimising a situation to justify your lax parenting.

For heaven’s sake. They didn’t ever sneak out the house. What for exactly? My younger son didn’t like having sleep overs and when my eldest did you could hear him playing guitar most of the night (my younger son would complain he was kept awake all night by the noise and chatter).

Where on earth are you getting this mindset from? Is it because you did it so you think everyone else must have as well?

I’m not too keen on sleepovers, to be honest.

I'm really surprised by all the people saying it's no big deal.

If I'd done something like this at 13, I'd have had a mahoosive bollocking off my parents and would probably have been banned from any kind of sleepover for a considerable amount of time. Saying that, I don't think I'd have even dared try something like this as I'd know all about the consequences, ha.

Shouting might not have been ideal but I doubt anyone on here behaves perfectly all the time, especially when they wake up to find two 13 year olds missing in the middle of the night!

She couldn’t see them for the few seconds between glancing around and inhaling to call them.

Unless you think she opened the window, looked out didn’t see them, smoked a fag for fifteen minutes and then thought about calling them and only then did they appear?

You are demonstrating, again, that you haven't read my posts properly at all.

For a start, I could NOT see them. I opened the window in the loft, could not see them, but sound travels and they heard me - they were about 30-40m down the road I guess. The reality is that I had NO Idea where they were. Sure, they hadn't gone far, but who's to say if I hadn't woken up that they wouldn't have decided to take a bit more of a jaunt?

And just like your comments about expecting an apology from me in a situation like this, your casual attitude to two 13 year olds going for a little jaunt at 2am, leaving windows open and not telling me where they were is a sign that we would not be compatible as parents or friends.

So if you looked in your 13 year old’s bedroom and he wasn’t there and he wasn’t in the house you’d be fine even if you couldn’t see them or hear them. you wouldn’t worry, you wouldn’t be panicked, just nonchalant.

If the situation had been the same as the OP’s, I open a window to look for them and there they are, I can see them without me having to call them I would have asked “hey what are you up to?” and if it were “just sitting having a chat on the footbridge” I would have said “Be careful, make sure door is locked when you come in. Wake me if you need anything”

What a cool parent you are 🙄

You have no right to take someone else’s child’s telephone.

I wasn't going to shout out the window - why on earth would I do that?!

I was going to call them... on their phones!? I looked for them. I opened a window. I didn't see them. To be honest, part of me was still thinking, "but they can't possibly have gone anywhere, I must have just missed them somehow." So I went back through the house checking every room again and as I came downstairs, they appeared in the lounge, obviously having ran back and climbed in through the window.

I agree we would not be compatible as friends. I don’t think I can shout away the impulsiveness of ADHD for example. Punishing a child for a disability by shouting at them and their friends isn’t my cup of tea. Good luck with the next five to ten years.

It beggars belief doesn’t it.

Dont most humans inhale before speaking on the phone? I do.

Oh dear

I remember my sister shaking when she told me about DN doing similar, my raised eyebrow soon shut her up because guess what, when she was 14 she was always pulling shit like this.

I understand your anger but I think your initial response had the desired impact it had on your son. I would reiterate that leaving a window open was an open invitation to any opportunist. However, if this is the worst thing your child does, you will have got off very very lightly.

I was quoting the OP rather than responding to you.

Well you are very rude this morning aren’t you?

Apply some of your parenting discipline to yourself, and communicate like a polite adult.

The PP is entitled to her opinions.

Move on now. He knows his done wrong. Don't make him suffer.

Why are you getting so agitated at the idea that your children did something without you knowing? I said “it’s a rite of passage imo”, it’s light hearted, it’s not a scientifically proven fact, OBVIOUSLY I don’t mean that 100% of all boys, without any exceptions, snuck out when they were teens. Chill out.

Nowhere does she say she screamed. I doubt he'll be having any sleepovers any time soon, so no need for you to worry about that

Because you keep telling me my kids must have sneaked out (only I don’t know it).

It’s not lighthearted. I don’t consider this a lighthearted thread. There are too many parents in this world who don’t care about their children’s whereabouts or their well-being. It’s evident in the anti social behaviour of a lot of kids and adults who are the result of cavalier, couldn’t care less parenting.