To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

Spoilt their holiday? Oh well... they'll live. That's what happens. You fuck up, you get told off and you move on.

There's also a massive middle ground between reading all night and sneaking out of the house at 2 am.

What I don't understand is why they didn't use the door?

OK it was dumb to leave the window open, but sorry OP you went well over the top on this.

GerbilsForever24 he most definitely will be showing off that text 😆

An over reaction?! Jesus. What exactly WOULD they have to do then to get into trouble? Highly stupid dangerous behaviour from both boys. Excellent no nonsense parenting from the OP. No wonder our kids are in such a mess with people telling this mum she over reacted at her 13 year old climbing out of his window in the dead of night with his friend who she also had responsibility for by proxy that night. These are young boys. Young vulnerable boys. Who need to learn some lessons and fast. Good on you OP. Hold your line in this one.

Woah. ‘Shouting like a fish wife?’
have you actually got children? Have they ever over stepped the mark so badly it terrifies you to the core?

OP says they didn’t use the front door because they knew it would wake her up. So they knew what they were doing was wrong, and they did it anyway. OP was spot on with her parenting. Showing her anger is teaching them the difference between a minor infraction and something that was actually unacceptably reckless and could have had a very different outcome. Really surprised at the reactions here given what could’ve happened.

So they wouldn't get caught according to OP's DS. The door would've made more noise than the window. Again, this is in one of OP's replies.

Not sure who you’re replying to. OP has already indicated her own son was involved. Or is the ‘fishwife’ reference you object to ?

How did op go "well over the top"?

And I'd assume the boys would know how to open a closed window.

Absolutely this - an eye opening insight into why there are so many kids wandering the streets/anti social behaviour and issues in schools (teachers having to deal with the lack of parenting at home).

Utterly depressing.

I think you're getting confused about the posts. I'm the OP. I ddin't "shout like a fishwife" is the point I was trying to make but yes, I was extremely annoyed and they know it. I think it's just a mistake in your post though as your earlier post made it clear you didn't think I'd over reacted.

I dont think you over reacted at all. Noone should be shouting on a regular basis but the occasional shout when they really fuck up is normal. I would have worried they were meeting a drug dealer.

You've done right OP. Have breakfast together, give back phones and do something fun together. All these people saying they'd be livid if their kid was at your house and you took away their phone, presumably are proud of their little monsters that stupidly put themselves in danger in the middle of the night. The only reason to be livid about removing the phone is if the boy was going to say walk home alone without it, otherwise it's fine. Like nothing is going to happen that a 13 year old has to phone anyone for while they are at a house with an adult. (Unless of course you are a secret kid abuser, but if the other child's parent doesn't know you well enough to trust you aren't then they shouldn't be letting their child stay overnight with you. I grew up in the 80's and I was 18 when I got my first phone, so if I was at a friends house, my parents just trusted that I would be ok and I was. It's not like they're solo camping in the woods.)

I did far worse at 13/14, and I'm female. Normal teenage behaviour if you ask me. I mean, you still need to pretend to be angry and they need to know it's risky and they exposed the house to burglary, but would I have genuinely reacted like you? Definitely not! Did you never sneak out with your friends when you were a teenager? It sounds like they weren't even that far away.

Great parenting OP, I applaud you!

What they did was dangerous, they put themselves and you at risk. Yes they are teenage boys who like to push boundaries and be silly, but they also need to be told when they’ve gone too far. I imagine the other boys parents will be glad you handled it properly.

I did lots of stupid shit as a kid/teen. It's a miracle I'm still alive. That doesn't mean I want DD to follow in my footsteps or that won't be any consequences for stupid behaviour because I did it too.

Sorry I mis quoted. Was trying to quote the person who berated you for ‘shouting like a fish wife’

if it was my son he’d have got full psycho fish wife and then some. Saying ‘mummy isn’t too happy about this, poppet’ would not have been an appropriate response in this situation. I rarely shout, but if I do, it’s because of extreme or stupid behaviour. Or repeatedly doing something they know they’re not meant too. Sanctions also follow and are seen through to the end - removal of phones, iPads, grounded and not allowed out, etc. I make no apologies for this. Whatsoever. Kids need parents who can parent and hold proper boundaries not wishy washy half arsed fake threats and no consequences for stupid dangerous behaviour that puts them in danger.

Yes if you over reacted it was because you were rattled by what had happened. Time to draw a line under it now though. Sounds like your son got the message.

Yeah and it's definitely not a 'rite of passage'. I'm 37 now and grew up in London and when I stayed at friends we did this - 0 times. I've never done it and actually I didn't know anyone did this kind of behavior in real life (I thought it was just American movies).

I have now learnt that it's a fairly common practice, but I think there's alot of people on here who are equally shocked that it's also very common to have never done anything like this.

It sounds like they weren't even that far away.

OP didn't know that, though.

And if they get the idea this wasn't too bad, just boyish fun, next time they might do something that gets them in real danger or trouble.

Next we’ll be hearing shop lifting with your mates while playing truant is a rite of passage.

@GerbilsForever24 Nope, you did not over react. They are children in your care, if anything happened to your son's friend you would have been responsible.

I think your reaction was completely appropriate and in keeping with their actions.

You were not shouting for the sake of it, you were shouting because you were scared, angry and relieved. Honestly, some of the responses you've had beggars belief!

ADHD does not give anyone a free pass.

Mine is probably a minority viewpoint. 🤷‍♀️

I would have shouted too. I possibly would have removed phones but then when my two were thirteen their phones were set to turn off at 9pm anyway, which I'm sure some people will vehemently disagree with. I may have rung the other boy's parents to pick him up but I'd probably have gone for the 'now get to bed both of you and I better not hear either of you move again until at least 7am' approach. And then sent the friend home quite early and had a chat with my own about how dangerous this escapade could have been and to not bother asking me to go on/have another sleepover for at least six months as the answer would be no.

My two are now 15 and 16. Not angels by any means but when we had local riots this summer I could not believe how many teenagers were out and involved because their parents either let them go out or have no control to stop them going out. I have that control because of being strict with them over minor incidents when they were younger.

Shouting isn't the way forward, to shout and ball is an overreaction in my world.
The deed was done, what was to be gained by shouting 🤷🏻‍♀️, apart from the op winding herself up?

@cryinglaughing the boys understood exactly how serious the situation was and how upset OP was, especially if OP is not usually a "raised voice" type of parent.