To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

You did not overreact at all and I’m depressed and surprised at the amount of parents on here saying you did.

I would’ve 100% shouted in the moment and then had the calm chat this morning.

Sometimes, if we are generally calm parents, the odd shouting episode can be very effective at making children realise they’ve really messed up this time.

How many of you would be happy if your child was at a sleepover and you found out the next morning that they’d gone wandering the streets in the middle of the night?! And the other parent had just laughed it off?

This has been a massive insight into why so many kids at school now have such a disrespect for rules and discipline - they’re not getting any at home.

Sorry, wrong again. It was nasty because it implied some sort of neglect of the other poster's children while they do a job that most of us wouldn't touch with a barge pole. To benefit YOUR kids.

I wouldn't have them around again if they can't follow simple rules in my house.

"This has been a massive insight into why so many kids at school now have such a disrespect for rules and discipline - they’re not getting any at home."

This 100%

“It’s called parenting” - there are better ways to deal with things than shouting, ways that actually help a teen to understand the issues and apply the lessons more broadly. If your only conception of parenting is shouting, that’s quite limited.

I think you reacted correctly.
I can’t and wouldn’t even want to imagine how knocked sick you must when you went into his room and found your son and his friend not in their beds. You must have been visioning all sorts of terrifying scenarios.
I also can’t believe we have people saying you over reacted. There again this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here long enough. Therefore you’d have thought I’d have learned to believe the unbelievable by no this place still never ceases to amaze me.
Oh and it obviously goes without saying There should be no more sleep overs for a very long time.

It what I know. They just would not have been interested in sneaking out at that age. They were both shy, introverted children and the idea of that would have not been appealing at all. They’re grown now, one is a tattooed, vaping twenty something who partied hard at Uni but was very reserved as a child. I could have had the doors wide open and they wouldn’t have ‘sneaked’ out.

Honestly I despair - it's possible to think both; no you didn't overreact but yes it is a common thing to do for adolescents this age and not that bad. Not ideal but not terrible either.

Did you even read my post? I said I'd have been angry too, but a calm conversation once the dust settles will work sufficiently well. I am reassuring the op that what her ds did is not so uncommon, but yes of course it's a shock.

I can just imagine some of them going in to their room and finding it empty at 2 in the morning, chuckling to themselves and saying oh I wonder what adventures (trouble) they’re getting up to. Then going to bed and sleeping soundly.

No wonder there are kids wandering the streets very late making nuisances of themselves and their parents don’t care.

a local estate is having issues with young teens and low level criminal damage overnight. These are kids of a similar age to your son. Had they done this there the police would have picked them up pretty quickly as most of the estate is on high alert.

Youth and stupidity though, no harm done ultimately.

Don’t be fucking daft! These are very young teens, one with ADHD with a known gang of troublemakers hanging about AND leaving a downstairs window open.

PLUS it gave @GerbilsForever24 the shock of her life seeing that they were both gone.

no 13 year old should be wandering around at 2 in the morning.

coming down hard on them would have been partly down to shock, and as parents we’ve ALL done similar when scared. seemingly it’s had the correct effect though in shocking the boys into realising what they had done.

Do your children do it?

Haven’t RTFT, but did read all your posts OP.

While it is ok to have been angry, I think it was unreasonable to be livid, which is to be extremely and furiously angry.

They must have been only a few metres away because they heard you push the window open and reappeared in your line of sight without you ever having to call them. That is closer than the bottom of my garden.

I don’t think they did anything particularly stupid or dangerous. Cycling without a helmet is much more dangerous as a comparison.

If your boundary is that they should not have done this, then you can be angry and tell them so without shouting and threatening “consequences”. Your fears and paranoia are your issues, and are not an excuse to lash out your teenager and especially not someone else’s teen.

If it had been my teen at your sleepover I would have thought your reaction to be extreme and expected an apology to myself and my teen.

Nowhere has the OP said she only ever shouts at her children.

When I was doing teacher training 25 years ago my mentor told me to “save your shouting for when you really need it, then it’s very effective”. That has stuck with me throughout my career and as a parent. I can count on one hand the number of times I have really had to shout at a student or my own children.

A 13 year old and his friend - who the OP was responsible for last night - snuck out in the early hours. The sickening moment when she saw their beds were empty and the window open. Absolutely this was a moment when shouting was needed.

How many on here who are ok/accepting of it are actually parents? Or are they just remembering what they were like and don’t actually have kids themselves?

If my child was sleeping at yours I'd be really glad you gave him a bollocking and then he'd be getting a second one from me. It's dangerous and sometimes they need to understand that. I'd also be glad you took his phone off him so I wasn't getting texts in the middle of the night complaining that you'd bollocked him.

You’re one of those parents are you?

It was a nasty post. Yours, that is.

I'm neither a teacher nor an ex teacher nor related to any teachers - but I do respect teachers.

Sorry, but I read all the OP’s posts and she makes no mention of “known gang of troublemakers hanging about” are you quite sure you haven’t imagined this gang?

“If it had been my teen at your sleepover I would have thought your reaction to be extreme and expected an apology to myself and my teen”

I bet you’re a parent who goes marching into school when your child has been told off by a teacher and demands an apology. No thought for the misbehaviour that led to that telling off in the first place. My child can do no wrong and how dare you tell them off and upset them

And people wonder why there are such issues in schools and teachers have had enough so are leaving !

Damned right. Me too.

@GerbilsForever24 absolutely tell the child’s mother.

My children are toddler so granted I don't know how I would react in the moment, but as a one off I don't think it's that terrible, her son felt apologetic, was really close to home, and it seems odd to me that no one here seems to remember how we pushed boundaries at this age. I mean it wasn't such a risky situation, he wasn't taking meth under a bridge. He will remember not to do it again.
But maybe I'll completely rethink when my kids are that age, granted, and my judgement is probably clouded by the fact it is boys. I would have reacted differently if it were girls, not sure why.