To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

Christ, I used to do this with my brother aged 8-10. We'd bury sweets somewhere during the day, then sneak out at midnight to dig them up and eat them. Great fun. I think you overreacted, but it's done now. Time to rebuild trust and reiterate the rules in your household.

I think I'd be more unhappy to hear that my 13 year old son was misbehaving as a guest in someone's house by deciding he could climb through a window at silly o' clock and wander around in the dark.

It's one thing if my kid does it, but you had the responsibility over another child, so yes, that was NOT cool and I would be angry, too. If he wanted to go for a late walk, he should have asked you, and you could have said either yes or no, or possibly joined them (walking a few metres behind them).

Sometimes kids need to see how worried and upset you were, understand that their behaviour impacts others, and whether you shout or not, I would expect consequences like removing devices, or a ban on sleepovers for the foreseeable future.

The next morning, explain clearly why you were upset, what this means for your trust in him, and offer him ways to rebuild that trust.

They're not the same. The children knew what they did was wrong, and they put themselves in danger. It could have literally been life threatening. The OP shouting isn't putting anyone in danger. It's called parenting

@GerbilsForever24

For what it's worth I don't think you over reacted at all. I'd have been similarly furious & worried in equal measure. I probably wouldn't have taken their phones away but I would have almost certainly yelled at them, sent them back to bed & then sat down this morning for a calm, serious conversation about safety & trust. I'd also let the other parents know.

YABU to have your dc crying in front of their friend suggests that you went completely overboard. Yes it was wrong to sneak out but you’ve completely embarrassed him at an age where his peers are important to him. I suspect you’ll have far worse to deal with if there’s little trust between you between now and 18.

Wow, what a nasty post

That’s what you think…

Can imagine the AIBU "I was walking home at 2am and saw 2 teen boys, couldn't have been more than 13, out on their own. AIBU to think why parents would let them out at this time?"

"OMG that's neglect, the poor kids, report to the police it might be a piece of a bigger picture, or county lines maybe"

Op, you didn't overreact, and no normal parent IRL would think that. I'd be fuming with my DC if I was the other parent and would back you up 100%.

When I was about the same age, me and a group of friends at a sleepover decided to go ghosthunting in the local allotments at about 3am. We live in a city and the risk just hadn't occurred to any of us. My friend's parents found out, as we returned home, and read us the riot act. Her dad said he hadn't decided whether or not to tell our parents. I decided to come clean with my own parents, who calmly explained why what we'd done generally wasn't a good idea.

I think I'd have been angry in your shoes, op. But I think a calm conversation with him will do the trick far better than staying angry and applying loads of consequences. Teens just aren't that risk aware, they don't think through potential consequences of their actions and often need it laying out to them. I think you're overthinkimg a bit because your ds has adhd, but this behaviour is actually far more common in teens than you realise. He was remorseful and apologised. That's a very good sign.

It Sounds like typical teen behaviour.

Your reaction wasn’t ideal, but we live & learn! I’m sure he won’t do it again, at least not for a long time!

Plenty of kids this age sneak out and go to clubs.

Thirteen is pretty much still a child. If children are sneaking out at night and going to clubs that is a massive parenting fail, it's completely inappropriate.
Clubs by their nature mean exposure to alcohol, sex and probably other drugs. In what world is that appropriate for a thirteen year old?

You haven't overreacted AT ALL.

Yes , it was a stupid thing to do , rather than maliciousness, but that doesn't mean it should be ignored.

Tbh, I probably would've kept the phones until the morning too. Any parent that is more pissed off about that and me giving them a bollocking , rather than the fact that their kid snuck out of my house ,through a window, in the middle of the night can fuck off.

If it was my kid, they'd get told off and consequences at home too.

No wonder there's so many teens doing what they like, when they like when so many posters are disagreeing with the OP.

I don't think you over reacted at all.

Not necessarily. Plenty of good kids(that can still do stupid shit) feel bad and get teary when they're in trouble , even if it's done in a calm , quiet way.

Neither

Being told something by a child is totally different than being in the moment. I'd have reacted the same as OP in that moment because stress levels were high. But if my child came to me to tell me they'd done something wrong the night before, I wouldn't shout. I may discipline and say ok thank you for telling me but ... I don't know if I would further discipline or not. They're just not comparable.

My 4 year old broke something the other day, by throwing something he shouldn't have in the bedroom. If I'd walked in on him doing it I'd probably have shouted DS stop that now. But he came and told me and I said well done for telling me sweetheart, I've told you not to throw in the house so do not do that again please. Because I was calm in the moment.

You can't stay calm when children are missing in the middle of the night

fuck me there’s some shit parents in this thread and I don’t mean the OP.

These are the same people who would be digging at you on social media if anything had happened to those boys.

And if my child stays at someone’s house or vice versa I am responsible or the other parent is responsible for said child.

My daughter did exactly that at about the same age. She and two other girls were apparently sleeping over at a friend's house for what the mother told me was a girly night in. My daughter let it slip the next day that they had all gone off to a club in Camden until the early hours and that the girl's mother realised they had gone. The woman knew that I would not have allowed my daughter to travel to a London club from the suburbs late at night and come home early in the morning and I was so angry that she had betrayed my trust. I would much rather she had given the girls a good bollocking when they came back, contacted them while they were out to tell them to come back, or preferably contacted me to let me know that my daughter had sneaked out. She was a typical example of 'cool' parenting, with no boundaries, never raising her voice etc. but both of her daughters ended up as very troubled young women.

Not at all. Children need to learn boundaries and consequences. Soft parenting is why young adults now have very little resilience.