To get a teensy bit annoyed at visiting relative’s ever changing dietary restrictions?

[Koulibiak]

Okay some ground rules: this is light hearted. Not a LTB thread. All of us will keep on trying to get along as best we can. But…

Recently we’ve been hosting a relative of DH with lots of dietary restrictions, which she informed us of prior to coming to stay with us (for two weeks). Specifically, no sour foods, no spicy foods, and no tomatoes. For religious/cultural reasons she also doesn’t eat pork or beef.

To be clear, I asked and she specifically said she couldn’t have anything containing citrus, vinegar, yogurt, sour cream, or tamarind. Also no tomatoes or anything hot (chillies).

Now I’ve got to say, I’m a very decent cook. But I have been finding the whole sour/spicy/tomatoes thing rather hard to accommodate. This rules out lots of Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Persian etc recipes. I had to spend hours prior to her coming, going through my recipes and making changes so I would make things she could eat.

Then towards the end of her stay, she told me she was fine with “a bit” of lemon, a bit of tomatoes, a bit of chilli. I’m sorry what? I’ve been working my ass off accommodating her for two weeks, making all our food bland, and all of a sudden she’s fine with spices and yogurt and lemon juice? She even asked me to cook prawns with lemon and chilli powder on her last meal. Also ate dal (as a side dish) which I warned had dried chillies in, and had seconds.

I just think it’s a bit thoughtless to invent dietary restrictions you don’t actually have. It’s been stressful for me and I haven’t been able to serve them the best dishes I can make, as everything had to be made bland, and it now seems it was all pointless anyway.

In order to avoid drip feed accusations: DH doesn’t cook. At all. As in, can’t turn the hob on. So any suggestions that I should let DH cook for his relative are pointless. And no, he’s not going to change, as he was rubbish at it and found it very stressful when he cooked (years ago), whereas I’m good at it and it makes me happy to feed people.

I’m just a bit frazzled after two weeks of hosting, and I need a whinge. ☺️

AIBU to think making up blanket food restrictions is not on, when you’re actually fine with the foods?

Oh and yes the relative is MIL. But please let’s not make this a MIL thread 🙏

Two weeks of baked potatoes would have stopped it. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate, just make a bland alternative that complies with all dietary needs.

If they are genuine they will be happy, otherwise they should be offering to cook a few times themselves.

To be fair that's not massively restrictive though.

Urgh! This is like my ‘vegan’ friend who ate another friend’s left over steak on a hen do and has been known to eat bags of Haribo. Really bloody annoying.

Next time, could you send her a list of meals you were thinking of making and ask if they’d be suitable? This places the onus on her to take a bit of responsibility. Or, ask her what she would eat in a normal week to get some suggestions.

How are you still sane?
I think I would've screamed at the end of that relatives visit.
Next time I'd buy some ingredients and leave the relative to cook their own meals.

^Well, I wouldn't be up for any of that at all and suggest they book an Airbnb or a hotel.

She's treating you like a maid.

We had a vegetarian to stay for 1 week.on the last day we went to the pub for Sunday lunch. She ordered roast beef…

'Couldn't turn the hob on', my arse (bet he can drive a car and turn a computer on?) but anywaaaaay! 🤣🤣

Well that would be it for me OP. No more pandering and I would tell them why next time too.

They eat what they're given, cook for themself (assuming they can turn the hob on) or they go hungry.

Life's too short for this shite.

Fuck em. Either they don’t come or they bring their own food.

if your mil isn’t making this all up, what her list has in common is that they are all fall under the balsam of Peru categorization.

each of us who has that allergy is able to tolerate different foods from the group to different degrees. For example, I can have lime juice, but just being near lemon zest will trigger anaphylaxis.

it’s extremely difficult to explain to someone else preparing food for you. It’s also difficult because manufacturers are not required to list many of the ingredients explicitly on labels. They can end up under things as “natural flavors” or “spices”. That means every time you eat something, even if you have had it before, it can be a risk because the ingredients may have changed.

reaching out to companies is pretty much worthless. Many of them don’t even know what they have sourced from other manufacturers.

I have a very long list of foods I can’t eat. I still eat really tasty food at home, but when eating out my meals do tend to have to be very plain. I am absolutely sick of eating Caesar salads without croutons. Yet they are one of the few things on a menu I know are likely to be safe and a restaurant can generally make a meal sized portion even if they normally only serve a side salad. I can’t have the croutons because the push for multigrain means they might have oats.

That’s part of the problem, we don’t have baked potatoes ever, I don’t cook bland food! I’m surprised you don’t think that’s restrictive, what other dishes do you think would be good?

Gosh that must have been so annoying.

I don’t mind cooking vegan/vegetarian dishes at all, it’s the lack of flavours that stumps me.

She wouldn’t be able to comment on a list of dishes. I can’t explain why - something to do with her personality, bringing up and culture - she needs to make a big show of not asking for anything. I genuinely don’t think she realises how annoying this is.

I’ve asked many times for her recipes. She is not very articulate in English, so I’ve got nowhere.

She really isn’t. She is very polite and generally considerate, tries hard to take as little space as possible, and is undemanding.

Your husband has you well trained, I'll give him that.

Actually no he can’t drive a car, he has physical limitations and I accept him for who he is.

Also MIL is quite frail and lifting heavy pots (most of mine are creuset types) is just impossible for her.

Thank you, that’s very interesting and is giving me more understanding of what I’m dealing with!

sorry you have to deal with that though - sounds horrendous. 💐

It sounds v annoying.

Don’r be bending over backwards next time though, that’s what m and s and cook are for

That sounds like a you problem. I have food intolerances and allergies, I don't think my food is bland but I wouldn't eat excessively spicy food and your list of extensive cultures of food sounds over the top.

Your MIL maybe just has milder tastes and finds you use too much spice or tomatoes or whatever else so it's easier to say none. You could easily have accommodated her with baked potatoes or something similar without much effort. She's not the unreasonable one here especially if she doesn't speak English well.

Okay I will reflect on that, but to be clear MIL is Indian and her favourite dishes are generally when I cook Indian food (or Japanese/Chinese/Malaysian). I don’t think she likes bland food generally. I’ve never seen her eat a baked potato, or even chips.

My “extensive list” is just what we eat at home on a daily basis.

Thank you @theduchessofspork

I actually spent an hour in M&S one day trying to find something suitable for dinner. You’d be amazed at the number of dishes that contain lemon juice, vinegar, tomato purée or yogurt! I guess because the sour taste is important to balance other tastes. In the end I found it easier to cook from scratch than go through endless lists of ingredients.

I had this with an in law who came to stay for a week while we were both working full time, who said they couldn’t have: gluten, dairy, meat, fish or sugar. I bent over backwards making vegan, gluten free food, then on the last day we went to a restaurant and they ordered a massive pudding stuffed full of gluten, dairy and sugar and ate it with a smug smile. I almost exploded.

I do a lot of hosting for a business group, the number of them who put food preferences on their rsvps and then turn up and tuck into the general dishes whilst ignoring the carefully prepared individual portion of whatever that is gluten, pork and dairy free (or whatever). It does my nut in! I take pride in providing tasty varied food that people can enjoy and some people just take the piss with their diets. True allergies and intolerances arent to be messed with and those that make shit up put true sufferers at risk.

when you start to look, you discover tomato everywhere. It’s one of my top allergens. I would like to go back in time and assassinate whoever invented tomato powder. It’s even showing up in cheese at this point.

Stop pandering to this nonsense, point her to the nearest supermarket and let her cook for herself

Oh my God, OP, that would drive me barmy!

I can kind of see why someone who was pretty fussy about food might think it's easier to say they don't eat a long list of things rather than say well I'm okay with lemon juice and chili powder on prawns if it's done in this way, but not if it's done in that way. And I like tomatoes in a very specific pasta dish but most tomatoey pasta dishes make me gag, etc. But it would definitely drive barmy. I have a friend who tells me she'll eat anything but she actually eats next to nothing and that's frustrating too as all the food just gets pushed around her plate, but she swears it's no problem!

It's only two weeks, and it's (nearly?) done now, and it sounds like she's otherwise lovely(?) So things could be worse. Just plan the spiciest, most flavourful Thali when she's gone and savour it.

@Koulibiak that would drive me bonkers. I'd just ensure bread, fruit, cereal was available and make your DH responsible for anything else i.e take out / restaurants - within a budget. Or, as others have said, make her cook! I would lavishly praise any results but liberally spice up with chilli, lemon etc. I'll DM you with my chilli tamarind chutney recipe!

My solution has been to ask for one thing they can eat for first meal - and then take them shopping. Carefully reading through every ingredient list is exhausting - they usually know what they can and can’t eat (doesn’t work if they’re international as brands differ).

I can understand why this is really frustrating. But if she can tolerate some but not too much that’s really hard to explain to someone else - none is the easier thing to say.

I have food intolerances - if I stay below the threshold I’ll be fine. Except the way I tell if I pass the threshold is if I get sick. My solution is not to experiment when with people who are accommodating my dietary needs. Even if this does mean eating the yuck option when is likely be fine with the alternative.

Your MIL shouldn’t have started eating stuff she said no to just because it’s confusing and hard for you to get right. Assuming your husband speaks his mother’s language, he needs to have a conversation about food before her next visit - just in case this is all a language misunderstanding.