To get a teensy bit annoyed at visiting relative’s ever changing dietary restrictions?

[Koulibiak]

Okay some ground rules: this is light hearted. Not a LTB thread. All of us will keep on trying to get along as best we can. But…

Recently we’ve been hosting a relative of DH with lots of dietary restrictions, which she informed us of prior to coming to stay with us (for two weeks). Specifically, no sour foods, no spicy foods, and no tomatoes. For religious/cultural reasons she also doesn’t eat pork or beef.

To be clear, I asked and she specifically said she couldn’t have anything containing citrus, vinegar, yogurt, sour cream, or tamarind. Also no tomatoes or anything hot (chillies).

Now I’ve got to say, I’m a very decent cook. But I have been finding the whole sour/spicy/tomatoes thing rather hard to accommodate. This rules out lots of Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Persian etc recipes. I had to spend hours prior to her coming, going through my recipes and making changes so I would make things she could eat.

Then towards the end of her stay, she told me she was fine with “a bit” of lemon, a bit of tomatoes, a bit of chilli. I’m sorry what? I’ve been working my ass off accommodating her for two weeks, making all our food bland, and all of a sudden she’s fine with spices and yogurt and lemon juice? She even asked me to cook prawns with lemon and chilli powder on her last meal. Also ate dal (as a side dish) which I warned had dried chillies in, and had seconds.

I just think it’s a bit thoughtless to invent dietary restrictions you don’t actually have. It’s been stressful for me and I haven’t been able to serve them the best dishes I can make, as everything had to be made bland, and it now seems it was all pointless anyway.

In order to avoid drip feed accusations: DH doesn’t cook. At all. As in, can’t turn the hob on. So any suggestions that I should let DH cook for his relative are pointless. And no, he’s not going to change, as he was rubbish at it and found it very stressful when he cooked (years ago), whereas I’m good at it and it makes me happy to feed people.

I’m just a bit frazzled after two weeks of hosting, and I need a whinge. ☺️

AIBU to think making up blanket food restrictions is not on, when you’re actually fine with the foods?

Oh and yes the relative is MIL. But please let’s not make this a MIL thread 🙏

A lot of posters are still harping on about the DH not being able to cook.

OP has very clearly said he has physical limitations.
OP you sound like a hero being so caring to your MIL and whilst also presumably carrying out a caring role for your DH.

When I read the first post, I said this MIL and DH are Indian. And I was right ( I am too). No other culture would be so demanding and expect so much of their DIL.
But what sort of Indian doesn't eat chili or yoghurt or tamarind or lemon?

Apropos, how would your DH manage if you were away or ill if he can't even turn the hob on?

But I would suggest:

khichdi
dahi chawal
Gujarati kadhi
idlis sans sambar
dosa ditto
basically bland "sick" food with no spice or tomato.

I have an exfriend who was 'allergic' to tomato seeds, she claimed she could eat tomatoes but not the seeds. She was, surprisingly able to eat my home made tomato chutney which I warned her has seeds in.

OP, you sound very accommodating and like a excellent cook. However, it doesn't matter how light hearted your intent was because what you did was set a bunch of self-righteous ableists on an elderly woman with several medical issues that include stomach ones. A doctor, married to another doctor in a family of doctors no less has been accused of making things up just to try your patience.

That which disturbs me most are the posters saying to ignore what guests say because they're all just making shit up. Suggestions of hiding ingredients in a dish, that you have been warned not to give them, is dangerous to the point of evil. How many stories does there have to be of people experiencing life altering, or life ending, reactions caused by ignorant people lacing food to "prove" a family member is wrong about their intolerance, allergy or medical condition.

My own beloved late aunt had to avoid a very similar set of food stuffs. She could eat some of them in VERY tiny amounts. Loved many of them but loving them didn't stop those foods causing intense pain. She had hiatal hernia with GERD. She loved tomatoes so much that she would scrape a teeny bit of the liquid from the inside of a tomato onto a sandwich to get the taste. Even that used to cripple her with pain.

There are some nasty types on here. Let's hope ill health never teaches them a lesson as nasty as what they wish for others.

The problem is that older Indians like the OPs MIL often won't eat meat and 2 veg, baked potatoes, mac and cheese or other bland foods that people have suggested. My mum and MIL don't eat any of that. They would hate it.

So I have suggested bland Indian foods which would still have some flavour.

I dont have any allergies or intolerances. But I do have acid/silent reflux, I do have gallstones and I have had WLS, so I have all manner of issues to contend with and I never know from one day to the next what I can tolerate.

Is that fussy? Is that 'self diagnosed' given that there is no set thing or way of eating.

You sound unpleasant

I would just get ready meals for her. And cook my normal stuff for the family. Can't be bothered with fussy eaters. I never accommodate them.

Ha Indian MILs won't eat ready meals! The audacity!😂My MIL has never eaten a ready meal in her life or indeed anything out of a can.

OP, I would happily eat at your house any day - your cooking sounds delicious. I cook some of the same recipes you've mentioned (less so at the moment with a toddler but when I have the time, I really enjoy it) and I think it sounds really tricky to accommodate those specific restrictions, although I agree with the pp who said perhaps it's difficult for your guest to have too much/manage the balance of those things rather than having an outright intolerance per se. Regardless, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her and I think she's fortunate to have what sounds like a lovely time with you all. I hope you get some rest now that your guesting duties are over for a while!

Could you have made your normal food and made something bland for her (which would require very little effort). Eg a curry for you and spaghetti sprinkled with olive oil and Parmesan for her, for part of the visit at least?

I think it would have been easier to have a list of things she can eat rather than can’t.

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to repeat the visit but if you had to then maybe she should bring a bag of ingredients she can eat and cook for herself sometimes.

What about Korma, that’s pretty bland.

My “vegan” sister once stayed for a week so I told her she’d need to bring her own food and cook for herself. Even though my husband is a chef, I thought “why should we eat vegan food, or have my husband cook two meals PLUS provide free food on top of her staying there for free?”
The funny thing was, one meal she cooked herself real chicken and every single morning she had eggs for breakfast. But tried to make me feel bad for having so much cheese in my fridge!
She’s no longer a vegan yet proceeds to call herself an “ethical human” even though I’m the one who buys cruelty free products only and shop at a refill shop. She does neither yet tried judging me for not using reusable nappies the other week! 🙄

Next time just give her the kettle and a pot noodle 🤣 what a thoughtless bitch!

I'm lactose intolerant but can eat SOME dairy so it's probably truthful... However I'd have said that upfront, like "I can't manage Mac and cheese or a creamy curry, but a small amount of dairy is fine" not expected it to be treated like a full on milk allergy.

When we lived abroad, an older friend came to stay and complained that we served her meat and she preferred not to eat it. So we cooked vegetarian meals from then on.

On her last day we took her out to a restaurant and my partner went in advance to check that they had a good range of choice. They told her that in addition to the menu items they'd be pleased to offer some special dishes to our friend.

Yes, you've guessed. We got there and she ordered lamb... We felt like prize twats.

Tell her to bring her own food.

I have no patience with individuals who abuse peoples good nature and the fact that many people suffer genuine allergies, to force others to accomodate their ever-changing preferences or indulge their latest diet.

Cut out all the drama and she brings her own food.