To get a teensy bit annoyed at visiting relative’s ever changing dietary restrictions?

[Koulibiak]

Okay some ground rules: this is light hearted. Not a LTB thread. All of us will keep on trying to get along as best we can. But…

Recently we’ve been hosting a relative of DH with lots of dietary restrictions, which she informed us of prior to coming to stay with us (for two weeks). Specifically, no sour foods, no spicy foods, and no tomatoes. For religious/cultural reasons she also doesn’t eat pork or beef.

To be clear, I asked and she specifically said she couldn’t have anything containing citrus, vinegar, yogurt, sour cream, or tamarind. Also no tomatoes or anything hot (chillies).

Now I’ve got to say, I’m a very decent cook. But I have been finding the whole sour/spicy/tomatoes thing rather hard to accommodate. This rules out lots of Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Persian etc recipes. I had to spend hours prior to her coming, going through my recipes and making changes so I would make things she could eat.

Then towards the end of her stay, she told me she was fine with “a bit” of lemon, a bit of tomatoes, a bit of chilli. I’m sorry what? I’ve been working my ass off accommodating her for two weeks, making all our food bland, and all of a sudden she’s fine with spices and yogurt and lemon juice? She even asked me to cook prawns with lemon and chilli powder on her last meal. Also ate dal (as a side dish) which I warned had dried chillies in, and had seconds.

I just think it’s a bit thoughtless to invent dietary restrictions you don’t actually have. It’s been stressful for me and I haven’t been able to serve them the best dishes I can make, as everything had to be made bland, and it now seems it was all pointless anyway.

In order to avoid drip feed accusations: DH doesn’t cook. At all. As in, can’t turn the hob on. So any suggestions that I should let DH cook for his relative are pointless. And no, he’s not going to change, as he was rubbish at it and found it very stressful when he cooked (years ago), whereas I’m good at it and it makes me happy to feed people.

I’m just a bit frazzled after two weeks of hosting, and I need a whinge. ☺️

AIBU to think making up blanket food restrictions is not on, when you’re actually fine with the foods?

Oh and yes the relative is MIL. But please let’s not make this a MIL thread 🙏

But based on your first response to OPs post you said you didn’t think it was very restrictive and a potato was your first solution what other things would you dish up for a weeks stay minus those ingredients?

Can you just chop up ingredients for what you would normally make and not add the spices etc. to her portion? This is what I used to do for DS when he was younger.

Thank you for the meal ideas! I’m not sure she would have risotto, I might try it next time. But she was happy with lamb goulash, couscous with dried fruit and feta, fish pie, miso chicken with aubergines, lamb boreke (minced in filo pastry), pasta with salmon.

@CurlewKate meat and two veg and potatoes is about as far from our normal diet as I can imagine. I honestly think DCs (teens) and DH would go into mutiny if I served that for two weeks, and I would also find that thoroughly miserable. MIL has also complained in the past when I served plain steamed green beans or broccoli, and hinted at how she likes them stir fried with spices (kinda like the “going for an English” comedy classic).

@Sfxde24 yes the tomato thing is difficult with Indian food. It’s not about whole raw tomatoes - she used to be fine with pizza, but won’t have that anymore because of the tomato sauce. But lately she’s told me she’s fine with a bit of passata or tom purée in a dish, so I’m none the wiser on where exactly to draw the line.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I don’t know where you get that from - the prawn recipe she found in one of my cookbooks, and left it lying around for days until I asked if she wanted it 😊. I’d never done it before. It was really good though (Meera Sodha recipe).

Also to all those who asked: yes she often comes and stays, she knows I can cook, but every time she visits the list of restrictions is different from the time before so I can’t just serve her the same dishes. The sour thing is new.

No she’s not trying to test me, we get along fine.

Not RTFT but have periodically hosted my DSis whose health issues have regularly required experimental exclusions of certain foods.

I have found that flipping it around and asking for specific dishes (not just ingredients) a person can eat, as opposed to what they can't eat under the current restrictions, eradicates the need for extensive planning (and worrying about getting it wrong!).

Would relishes be an option. Cook mains bland and have dishes of relishes so you can enjoy the flavours still.

The tomato thing is strange because it looks as though she does eat them after all! But it’s always struck me that tomatoes aren’t native to India and I have wondered what food was like in that area before they arrived. I’ve just googled “Indian food without tomatoes” and a lot of regional dishes come up. I’d be very interested to know what she says if you say straight out that you’re confused because you thought she couldn’t eat x,y and z? I have huge problems with a lot of chilli but I can cope with small amounts, though my stomach complains if I eat several meals with a little in. That’s difficult to explain. Onions and garlic, again, I prefer to avoid and the intolerance is getting worse as I get older, but I can manage a little, occasionally, to be polite. Again, it’s not easy to explain that

You reverse it.
Instead of asking what they can't eat, you ask them to send a list of ingredients and recipes that they can.

Having read your updates (your prowess in the kitchen sounds amazing and very impressive, btw) I think that your guest (as we're not making it a MiL thread) is taking the micky. Complaining about your plain beans? Nope. How rude. Honestly, I can't begin to imagine complaining about any aspect of food cooked for me while visiting someone else's house! Char it, serve it cold, tip the whole saltcellar in it ‐all you'll get from me is a heartfelt thank you, because you did a nice thing, acting on your good intention to provide nourishment.
There was a thread recently about someone visiting a friend and was disappointed to be served strawberries and cream for desert; to me, this is the epitome of pretty much everything that is wrong with some people.

It sounds like you are going out of your way to be a kind and caring host, and your guest should count herself lucky.

Yep, get her to look through your recipe books and pick stuff she likes. Or get DH to take her out to eat somewhere while you stay at home and get very drunk.

I was vegetarian for years, I mostly still only eat vegetarian but I will eat certain things like roast beef or chicken depending on what it's in. After being veggie for so long it messes with your head.

I'd make a few stand by 'safe' dishes that you can freeze (risotto, lasagne with veg instead of tomatoes in the sauce, mild sauces for curry type dishes etc) and then cook your normal family dinners (avoiding any that are mega spicy) and say to her " I've made xxx tonight, it has a squeeze of lemon juice/ tomatoe puree/ whatever in it, would you like to try that or I have made some <safe bland option> if you would prefer to eat that?" and then ask the next day how it was if she was OK or needs an alternative next time.

I get that we all have different tastes but I genuinely wouldn't find that restrictive at all. Garlic and dill salmon steaks with new potatoes and asparagus, mushroom and leek mac n cheese, spinach and ricotta cannelloni, chicken sausages potato wedges and salad, lamb skewers with roast Mediterranean vegetables and rice, chicken and butterbean stew ... the list is endless! Again I get that we all have different tastes but I suspect you're irritated on principle. Not because you truly can't think of anything to cook.

Are you sure about the testing thing op?

I was very accommodating to my mil when I was newly married, went to great lengths to assure her comfort, and we were on cordial terms, but every time they came to stay I realised she made a fuss about bedding.

She either didn’t have enough pillows or she needed something to raise her feet up or an extra blanket despite providing extra blankets and pillows etc. It got to the point where I was stressing in John Lewis bedding dept and buying new comforters and triangular pillows and god knows what every time she stayed.

Anyway, it turned out that she was finding the transition to being matriarch in her own family and ruling the roost, to being a guest and having to fit in with another household’s rules, a tad difficult, and this bedding protest as we called it, was the one way she had of asserting her authority.

So I would address this politely but head on op and say to your mil that you took a lot of time and care to accommodate her dietary needs because you want her to feel welcome but, playing dumb, you are now confused because it turns out they are preferences? Could she please explain? Look her in the eye and leave the question hanging.

And if she would like to, maybe invite her to cook while you and your dh go out for the day, so that she feels she has some autonomy in your home? Or invite her to cook along with you?

Either way, I learned that my mil respected me more when I stood up to her slightly, found my back bone, and created some polite boundaries, rather than being too people pleasing all of the time. It shouldn’t be necessary but we actually got on better when I did this as we both knew where one another stood.

I have a SIL like this, she has a new dietary restriction (not GP diagnosed) every time she visits, drives me bonkers. Can't eat gluten but somehow manages to pack away non-GF toast, pasta, crisps. Part way through a 2-week visit she announced she was dairy intolerant but somehow is absolutely fine when it comes to cakes and biscuits. Last time we ate out she ordered Thai green curry and then refused to eat it and made a fuss despite us and the waiter telling her it was dairy and gluten free. So now she gets a plain sauceless version of whatever meat or fish we're having, steamed veg, salad. Or is invited to cook for herself.

I quite like baked potatoes and don't find them bland when filled with cheese.

Is it something like acid reflux that she has? Those are the sorts of things you shouldn’t have with if you suffer from that - anything really acidic or spicy, and avoid tomatoes - but you could have a bit. So not an allergy but a medical condition.

Does she drink coffee? Coffee is about the worst thing for it.

Must be a pain to cater for her for you though.

@Finistereoverthere the bedding protest made me laugh. MIL also used to have bedding issues, but now their room has every kind of bedding known to man, including a heated mattress topper in summer because she’s always cold - so the demands have stopped.

Thank you to everyone who suggested recipes, all very helpful. I will add new things to my recipe app’s “in laws” tab.

I have concluded that I was BU after re reading my posts. It’s obvious MIL is not trying to be capricious or difficult, she’s really got a dodgy tum - unlike some of the relatives and friends mentioned by various posters who are just attention seeking. She is also a gracious guest, rarely complains and is generally complimentary of anything I make (except steamed veg!).

It’s just that it requires more imagination on my part. E.g. no yogurt rules out lots of curries, no tomatoes rules out many stews and Italian dishes, no vinegar rules out teriyaki chicken, no lemon juice rules out lots of fish dishes, marinades and dressings, etc. Add to that no pork, beef or mushrooms, it does reduce the pool of dishes that I can make. I think if she ever stops eating onions and ginger that will tip me over the edge!

I just needed to vent last night, two weeks with guests takes a toll, we’ve also had other friends and relatives this summer so I think I’ve exhausted my hosting capabilities. Anyway, thank you all for the hand hold and/or for giving my head a wobble. 💐

I just read your Title and immediately thought of Davey in The Pursuit of Love:)

Perfect illustration of why not to have house guests.

Why don't you just ask her what she eats at home, suggest she cooks a couple of nights as well so she's got dishes she is comfortable with - she could make extra portions.

So a bit of an 'aha' moment - you say your MIL is always cold and has a dodgy tum - could she be undiagnosed hypothyroid? Those are both symptoms. There are a lot more of course. Low stomach acid is common which makes digesting food difficult.

I'm hypothyroid and have various food intolerances, plus developed a bad gluten reaction last year so now have to be scrupulously gluten free. I would dread going to eat at someone's house, in fact I'd take my own food, I think!

I would of made her beans on toast all week.

My DF wouldn't eat anything with garlic or onions in. In his latter years, he and DM mainly ate M&S ready meals. After DF died, I was at DMs house. She put one of their regular ready meals in the oven to cook. I popped out to get something for me, DH & DB to eat. Upon my return I'll never forget the smell of garlic in the porch which was emanating from the ready meal in the oven. I still chuckle about it 10 years on.
I'm always happy to cater for allergies and intolerances and even make an effort for 'fussy' eaters but in my experience, adding a drop of lemon juice, a clove of garlic, a splash of vinegar into the cooking, is unlikely to cause any issues for the 'fussy' group and they won't even know it's there.

I would hand over cooking responsibilities to the guest for a few days.
Particularly as her restrictions keep changing.
It would be interesting to see if she adds any of these no go foods but maybe just a little bit items when she's doing her own cooking, as I think she's taking advantage.

I eat quite a plain diet by choice. Just give her pan fried chicken/fish with veg or salad. Job done.