To get a teensy bit annoyed at visiting relative’s ever changing dietary restrictions?

[Koulibiak]

Okay some ground rules: this is light hearted. Not a LTB thread. All of us will keep on trying to get along as best we can. But…

Recently we’ve been hosting a relative of DH with lots of dietary restrictions, which she informed us of prior to coming to stay with us (for two weeks). Specifically, no sour foods, no spicy foods, and no tomatoes. For religious/cultural reasons she also doesn’t eat pork or beef.

To be clear, I asked and she specifically said she couldn’t have anything containing citrus, vinegar, yogurt, sour cream, or tamarind. Also no tomatoes or anything hot (chillies).

Now I’ve got to say, I’m a very decent cook. But I have been finding the whole sour/spicy/tomatoes thing rather hard to accommodate. This rules out lots of Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Persian etc recipes. I had to spend hours prior to her coming, going through my recipes and making changes so I would make things she could eat.

Then towards the end of her stay, she told me she was fine with “a bit” of lemon, a bit of tomatoes, a bit of chilli. I’m sorry what? I’ve been working my ass off accommodating her for two weeks, making all our food bland, and all of a sudden she’s fine with spices and yogurt and lemon juice? She even asked me to cook prawns with lemon and chilli powder on her last meal. Also ate dal (as a side dish) which I warned had dried chillies in, and had seconds.

I just think it’s a bit thoughtless to invent dietary restrictions you don’t actually have. It’s been stressful for me and I haven’t been able to serve them the best dishes I can make, as everything had to be made bland, and it now seems it was all pointless anyway.

In order to avoid drip feed accusations: DH doesn’t cook. At all. As in, can’t turn the hob on. So any suggestions that I should let DH cook for his relative are pointless. And no, he’s not going to change, as he was rubbish at it and found it very stressful when he cooked (years ago), whereas I’m good at it and it makes me happy to feed people.

I’m just a bit frazzled after two weeks of hosting, and I need a whinge. ☺️

AIBU to think making up blanket food restrictions is not on, when you’re actually fine with the foods?

Oh and yes the relative is MIL. But please let’s not make this a MIL thread 🙏

If they are genuine they will be happy

I have to follow a restricted diet (proper no-contamination gluten-free diet, with low sugar). And while I see what you're saying, TBH I'm still a human being, and my genuineness wouldn't mean I automatically felt thrilled at the prospect of nothing but baked potatoes for two weeks solid.

I generally try not to inflict my dietary requirements on other people wherever possible, because it's an absolute pain in the arse and I don't trust most people to do it properly. When I do have to stay with family, I have my partner cook sometimes, or miss out bits of a meal (and maybe sub parts with alternatives I can have).

But if someone offered to host me, and then every time that I didn't cook the meal myself they just slapped a baked potato in front of me while everyone else got varied delicious meals, I'm not sure I would feel "happy" — I think I might feel confused and a little sad that even knowing my dietary restrictions they'd offered to host me, but didn't want to include me (and also bored by all the baked potatoes )

I'm not saying that anyone is obligated to go above and beyond, and I would of course be appreciative that they were at least offering me safe food, but I'd take it as a clear message that they didn't want to expend the extra effort to include me, and also probably that they didn't want to host me again. That's fine TBH — I recognise my dietary needs are an imposition and somewhat onerous, which is why I don't stay with people or eat at other people's houses much 😅

Could she have acid reflux and able to tolerate the items only once in a while in limited quantities?

*mate. Your husband can cook

I don't know why you and your DH needed to eat the bland food. We quite often cook cashews, ginger and chillies in a separate pan anyway for dishes like Korma so that they stay crispy sprinkled on top. Why couldn't you cook, serve her, then add fried chillies and ginger plus some lime if necessary to your portions? Chicken wraps with just you and DH getting a hot sauce. Fried chicken on salad and she can have a different dressing if needed. Baked potato but everyone has different toppings that suit.

Maybe it's an Indian cooking thing, but I'm not really sure why you couldn't just swap other ingredients without it creating difficulty in your recipes. We have a lot of tomatoes, but peppers or lentils can work depending on whether you want the sweetness or wetness.

to me it reads as if your MIL doesn’t like your food (probably because you are making something to please her palate) so is trying to manipulate what you cook. I would make your normal food then make her what you know she will eat but make the same thing every day. That way you get to make your best dishes (which she is welcome to try) and she gets to eat what she wants. I’d wager after 3 days of the prawns she’ll be wolfing down your food….

I had a friend like this. She had disordered eating but wouldn’t admit it so rather than say ‘I won’t have a pudding’ she would invent gluten/dairy intolerances. Didn’t stop her eating all the dairy milk, ice cream and biscuits when she though no one was looking though 😂 Drove me mad.

I have really restrictive options for my parents (thankfully they live fairly close so rarely stay for more than 2 days at a time), I just cook traditional English eg roast meat and veg, quiche and salad, pasta dishes, they will eat paella and other European dishes. I also include things they say they don't eat but give English names/pretend an ingredient isn't in it so they eat it!

As long as someone isn't allergic nor avoids for religious reasons/vegetarian, I would just cook it, if people want you to cook I wouldn't sweat it

It sounds like she was (perhaps without realising it) testing you and you passed with flying colours, She will eat your food now.

Btw that list I've been warned to restrict along with onions - by dr! I actually ignore it myself, I'm not giving up onions especially but I'm away somewhere where it's basically meat or fish and veg every night (another country) and I've had no digestive problems unlike at home, perhaps dr is right

Is this the first time she's been to stay and is this likely to be a regular occurrence? If so, you need to make changes to avoid this sort of thing in future.

Does she have other children who live near you and do they have any ideas about how to accommodate her dietary requirements with the least stress?

Between the three of you, because DH can act as translator if nothing else, agree 3 or 4 meals she can eat within her dietary restrictions and serve that food on rotation, batch cook if necessary. You don't have to serve the same meals as everyone else when it's so different to what you normally eat. He needs to tell her that you want to serve her food she will enjoy but between the two of them they need to tell you what it is and how to make it.

Does she eat things like soup and eggs? Can she go through the Cook website with DH and they order food she can eat?

Caesar salad dressing traditionally has lemon juice in it, so please be careful when ordering it.

Lactose issues can mean an issue with cream or milk, plus cream in dishes. Chocolate, cheap ice cream (not real cream) and anything cooked like cake or biscuits would still be fine. I think you misunderstood your friend's issues rather than it being "disordered eating" (an extreme term to use, usually reserved for anorexia etc).

Next time she comes I suggest making a chicken and vegetable risotto, paprika chicken, with peppers, butternut squash, garlic and new potatoes, try chicken(or better salmon if she'll eat it) with a soy, honey and ginger sauce plus rice top with chopped spring onions and sesame seeds if she can eat. Chickpea patties with hummus in pitta and saad with pomegranate and feta.

Great idea about jacket potatoes!

Next time, some days cook as you usually would (still avoid pork/ beef) and do her a jacket potato with beans/ cheese etc and see what she eats....

if I was in your situation, I would cook my usual meals for everyone else, and an adapted version for MIL. Eg chicken curry for everyone, plain chicken, plain rice and plain vegetables for MIL. Or normal cooking for everyone and something simple, yet fits diet requirements for MIL, so as not to overly feel like you are spending time cooking 2 meals. Eg omelette with fillings, jacket potato with fillings, in both cases fillings being ingredients you
are putting in your own main meal.

I’d then be judging the situation accordingly. If MIL mentioned her food was repetitive or bland, I’d ask for some of her recipes (as you’ve done in the past) and say you’ll make it the next night. Or MIL might show interest in the main meal and say she’ll have that - in which case you’ll know that’s a meal she can eat. Finally, she may just accept what you are serving her, in which case you’ll know you’ve got it right.

I’ll add - if she was staying for 1-2 nights, I’d probably try and have one meal for everyone. But for 2 weeks, I’d be doing the above plan.

When I read the start of your post @Koulibiak I thought fish and chips, pie and mash, cheese and onion quiche with salad no tommies, mince and onion with rice and veg, veg soup and cheesy garlic bread etc. Loads of food meets the dietary specification.

Honestly the menu doesn't need to be what you normally cook minus the fussiness.

But you pushed the boat out (well done btw) and now they finding it bland... did your DH tell her what food you normally cook and describe it as spicy so she restricted the ingredients?

It wouldn't p me off, but then I haven't gone out of my way to change my recipes....

I would have just cooked for her in the way we cooked for DP's very traditional Irish dad. Very plain meat/fish two veg and always potatoes. And always garnished with a bit of cress so he could complain (with a twinkle because he knew we were teasing) about "rabbit food"
@Koulibiak I have tried sitting on my hands, but I can't stop myself. Of course your DP can cook. Of COURSE he can.

@ThatOneUncomfortableEyelash I agree with you, wouldn't stay with someone who felt that inconvenienced by imo not restrictive dietary requirements.

The baked potatoes was slightly sarcastic in that OPs description of what she couldn't cook was OTT. Very much siding with MIL on this one. Even more so with further updates that MIL has favourite food OP cooks so this is a completely non issue for a couple of weeks when she could have just cooked things she knew she'd eat.

Disordered eating is specifically a term used to exclude eating disorders but includes strange behaviour around eating ie. Saying you are gluten/ dairy intolerant to avoid ordering a pudding but then eating those things in your own home

@MrsCatE I wish MIL still cooked! She used to cook amazing food, but she has completely stopped now. FIL was also a good cook, but he also doesn’t cook anymore.

I feel for you. Making all these efforts for nothing. Are you sure she didn't "test" you, like wanted to be difficult do that she could whine about how you did not accomodate her needs afterwards? If that was the case 1-0 to you OP:).
The polite thing to do when you are invited is to make as little of a fuss as possible: only cite allergies (confirmed) or dietary requests that you always stick to (vegan/vegetarian/religious). I have hosted a boy with Arfid who only ate pasta with nothing on, like no butter/sauce/olive oil. His mum said it's hard for him to be invited somewhere becaause of this. I told her I'd never had an easier guest to accomodate🤣

If you cook mainly Indian food normally and she has said she is ok with a bit of tomato I would get to the bottom of that. So much Indian food has a tomato base. Maybe she just worries about being served tomato in its recognisable form which is very common with fussy eaters.

@RubyOrca that sounds similar to MIL - intolerances that are triggered if she has too much of something. I think she has a chronic stomach condition that flares up if she doesn’t manage it. I completely understand that she doesn’t want to give me a daily condition report on her gut - so the easier option for her is to say she can’t eat these things at all.

As an example, she now asks for the “bland” food option on planes. But I’m guessing she probably misses spicy/sour/ food and allows herself to cheat occasionally.

There is no language barrier, she speaks perfectly fine English, she’s just not good at describing recipes.

No, you are wrong. Disordered eating includes those with a specific diagnosis (who may exhibit disordered eating more often), and those without, but it is not minor quirks related to puddings. Example link for definitions - https://www.eatright.org/health/health-conditions/eating-disorders/what-is-disordered-eating.

If you genuinely felt that a friend was struggling, then you would be concerned instead of stroppy about how some food choices inconvenienced you. It isn't a laughing matter.

It's probably that she can't eat these things regularly maybe she's trying yo be helpful at the end of her visit seeing how bored you must be of the food? Or she doesn't mind if she gets the shits at your house now she's settled in a bit?

I have a family member who used to make up dietary restrictions for herself or her kids - but not actually communicate them until she arrived for Christmas and announced that they couldn't eat any of it. The first time it happened, we spent ages in the kitchen trying to cook new food with the few pans/dishes left unused, only for her to tuck into a load of sweets and chocolate that contained two of the main things she'd said they couldn't eat. The following year, we'd learned our lesson after multiple instances of her claiming she couldn't eat somewhere we'd arranged to meet, or sulking because her parents hadn't anticipated the complete change of dietary requirements in advance of a visit. No new food was cooked - she was just waved in the direction of the kitchen and told to rummage. Miraculously, she managed to eat the entire dinner after all. They now all eat entirely normally, but she tries to control everyone through other means - timings, arrangements etc. Most family members have entirely disengaged.