To get a teensy bit annoyed at visiting relative’s ever changing dietary restrictions?

[Koulibiak]

Okay some ground rules: this is light hearted. Not a LTB thread. All of us will keep on trying to get along as best we can. But…

Recently we’ve been hosting a relative of DH with lots of dietary restrictions, which she informed us of prior to coming to stay with us (for two weeks). Specifically, no sour foods, no spicy foods, and no tomatoes. For religious/cultural reasons she also doesn’t eat pork or beef.

To be clear, I asked and she specifically said she couldn’t have anything containing citrus, vinegar, yogurt, sour cream, or tamarind. Also no tomatoes or anything hot (chillies).

Now I’ve got to say, I’m a very decent cook. But I have been finding the whole sour/spicy/tomatoes thing rather hard to accommodate. This rules out lots of Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Italian, Mexican, Persian etc recipes. I had to spend hours prior to her coming, going through my recipes and making changes so I would make things she could eat.

Then towards the end of her stay, she told me she was fine with “a bit” of lemon, a bit of tomatoes, a bit of chilli. I’m sorry what? I’ve been working my ass off accommodating her for two weeks, making all our food bland, and all of a sudden she’s fine with spices and yogurt and lemon juice? She even asked me to cook prawns with lemon and chilli powder on her last meal. Also ate dal (as a side dish) which I warned had dried chillies in, and had seconds.

I just think it’s a bit thoughtless to invent dietary restrictions you don’t actually have. It’s been stressful for me and I haven’t been able to serve them the best dishes I can make, as everything had to be made bland, and it now seems it was all pointless anyway.

In order to avoid drip feed accusations: DH doesn’t cook. At all. As in, can’t turn the hob on. So any suggestions that I should let DH cook for his relative are pointless. And no, he’s not going to change, as he was rubbish at it and found it very stressful when he cooked (years ago), whereas I’m good at it and it makes me happy to feed people.

I’m just a bit frazzled after two weeks of hosting, and I need a whinge. ☺️

AIBU to think making up blanket food restrictions is not on, when you’re actually fine with the foods?

Oh and yes the relative is MIL. But please let’s not make this a MIL thread 🙏

It definately sounds like your MIL has stomach issues and probably when she eats certain foods has a painful flare up or fatulence (which maybe embrassing).

Maybe next time ask what she eats, cooks at home and what she is really craving and can have as a special treat (which is adapted to her dietary requirements, some spice etc but not as much).

I'd also have an arsenal of remedies for gastic flare ups: peppermint tea, ginger tea. Rennies etc.

I agree with this. Nobody wants to discuss bladder issues with their relatives but it’s very common to have problems as you get older. My pee really burns if I’ve eaten anything spicy or sour!

Why don't you ask MIL what she has at home and cook that?

Yes we joined a friend for lunch in another city. Him and dh visited an event before meeting up with me for lunch. I had always understood him to be vegan and that's the impression he has always given me. At the cafe as I looked at the menu I wondered to myself what he was going to have. He ordered the Christmas sandwich which included turkey and possibly bacon. I didn't say anything but was a bit nonplussed. BTW he choose the cafe and had eaten there regularly.

Clearly she is ill and probably in pain or discomfort a significant part of the time. I expect you'd be more empathetic if you fully understood her situation. As you say, cutting out tomatoes is a pain so I can't imagine she would do that for fun.

You should just be able to make meat + veg + carb. You can season them in various ways.

Not sure if this is helpful, but my family have a huge amount of restrictions as DH has IBD and DD has allergies (your MIL's list is nothing compared to what we deal with unfortunately!). I use a free recipe app called SuperCook which I love. You input the food you CAN eat and it scours the web for recipes that use your ingredients. It's honestly saved my sanity.

Gosh there’s a lot of projection, sour grapes (pun intended) and posters who can’t be bothered to RTFT. At least maybe read my own posts, before superimposing/creating your manichean narrative? 🤷🏼‍♀️

As long as it’s not Red Leicester 😂

I would next time cook all the lovely flavoursome food you usually cook and serve it up to your family and give her a baked potato with a topping. Do the same the next day and the next. See how long she lasts....

I’m usually one to roll my eyes at food intolerances but yeah she doesn’t seem so bad.

Next time just ask what she eats at home (if neither of them cook maybe they have a housekeeper/cook that could share some safe recipes. ) Then I would make largely what you normally do but sub where you can. And last, make what you normally do but with less seasoning and extra for her portion.

I have sympathy with both ‘sides’ here since I’ve developed a severe nightshade allergy and it’s really, really hard to avoid. Also as a PP said some things don’t always trigger an allergy reaction when they might be expected to. But if MIL is suddenly saying she can have ‘a bit’ that sounds really odd - unless there’s a bit of denial about having to give up things she likes?

I really feel for you because allergies make catering for someone really difficult regardless but given the potential consequences of getting it wrong, I’m afraid you probably just need to grin and bear it.

They do have a housekeeper/cook, however she is apparently terrible in the kitchen and getting worse over time. She’s worked for them for nearly twenty years, and is vulnerable, so they don’t want to dismiss her. And she cannot read or write, so definitely couldn’t share recipes in any event.

I know so many people who have food allergies or lactose intolerance then go for meals saying “I’m having this desert although I’ll suffer tomorrow “.
WTF you’re allergic or your not. Also they’ve never had an official diagnosis of IBS or anything like it
It’s a shame for those who really have to restrict their diet

Hell, I'd book it for her. Sounds like my DIL with her foods.

Are they self diagnosed food restrictions by any chance? I have no sympathy for people who 'can't eat this' and 'can't eat that' out of choice. You want to be fussy? Feed yourself! Obviously allergies and intolerances are a different kettle of fish

I sort catering for events at work. One internal person tells me can't have lots of things including meat, gluten etc. I order him a plain salad. Have to fill in contamination forms. My colleague saw him pop some pork pie in mouth. People don't tell you their dietary either despite asking. I had ordered some gluten free sandwiches for people that told me and they were marked up with name on (check this is OK re name with them) and one person who never told me was shocked I didn't just do a gluten free platter. I do tend to order extra veggie as I know meat eaters pinch them.

Korma! Make it with cream, sweet potatoes/chicken, cashewnuts, and a broth. You can boil down cauliflower to make it thick.

Paneer dishes on the side (spinach and paneer cheese, peas etc).

Baked potatoes with tuna mayo

Poached fish in a creamy sauce and mashed potatoes

Seasoned fish with steamed veg.

Shit...if I eat my own food suggestions my weight would come off faster 🤣.

My Dad has Celiacs. I grew up catering for that. I think the spaces, tomatoes, and citric acid are possibly to do with indigestion and maybe a stomach ulcer? Or inflamed oesophagus? Perhaps too much causes her stomach upset and the yoghurt could possibly cause her loose bowels?

I don’t eat citrus , pineapple ,very tomatoey foods or really spicy foods .
I’d get reflux , digestive issues and a skin flare up .
It is possible I have histamine intolerance 🤔 I don’t drink alcohol either especially wine 🍷
I can eat many dishes , French 🇫🇷 Italian 🇮🇹 , Japanese 🇯🇵 , mild Indian foods 🇮🇳 , lovely meals like salmon and watercress sauce

Wow OP I would love to come for dinner at your house you sound like a yummy cook

Two weeks?! Oh my life....... "House guests are like fish - on the third day they stink"

Can your guest not stay for a shorter period perhaps? Would certainly make the catering much easier!

Intolerance/allergy can hit at any time sadly...and menopause can also trigger them. I have a family member who would happily eat anything, but is now finding foods are becoming a problem and could be histamine intolerance. It's been really difficult to get a GP to test and keeps being told to just try cutting out foods to help alleviate symptoms. It's hard, particularly when the person has previously had no problems eating a wide variety of foods. Quite sad to see the lack of understanding from some here. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your MIL, maybe it's something you could chat more about to help understand - and your cooking skills may be able to help her with menu options. I know my relative being unable to tolerate tomatoes is very difficult when you realise how much they are used in recipes so they end up occasionally eating something with tomatoes for the sake of others while hoping they don't get a really bad reaction.

Can I just say thank you to everyone who said my food sounds fine 😊 I didn’t really start cooking until a few years ago but I love it. Owing to our roots/tastes we do have a wide diet. I’m lucky that I have access to great Asian markets nearby which really helps with sourcing ingredients. PILs were quite surprised when I made fish in banana leaves… so simple if you can source the leaves, but it looks celebratory and smells wonderful while it cooks.

I’m blessed with adventurous, unfussy teen DCs and DH, and dinner is always a big moment where we all come together. DCs are also starting to flex their cooking muscle and have been cooking and baking together this summer, which is great.

It’s not all highfalutin - I’m equally happy with a plate of nachos on the sofa 🤭 and despite my username I’ve yet to attempt a coulibiac.

Cook what you normally have. If it doesn't suit her then she can help herself to scrambled eggs on toast or whatever you have - but she cooks it. MIL decided to drop the news she was vegetarian a few hours before Xmas day when all the shopping had been done. DH told her she could have roast turkey and all the trimmings or help herself to whatever she found on the fridge. She meekly ate it.

@SeaToSki you are right. People with made up or faddy "intolerances" ruin things for those with a real health issue. So many places they just roll their eyes and don't really take it seriously now due to people making a huge fuss, getting a special meal made and then eating all their supposed allergens.

Staying at our house? Eat whats made or get your own food

Im no short order cook who wants to make the same thing several different ways or have a whole new meal just for 1 person