DH not coming home when planned....

[Doublebubblegum]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. My DH thinks I am...

DH took the kids to watch a local sports event today. Lots of mutual friends and kids attending this event, but I didn't go as had a few other bits to do in the house etc.

Plan was for me to pick DH and kids up at around 6ish - got there at 6, DH and his pal had just ordered a beer at the bar (family friendly sports bar type place). DH wanted to watch the football on TV so I offered to take the kids back home and he said he'd come home after the football game.

Our DD (she's 10) has been pretty anxious recently and was a bit upset DH wasn't coming back with us. He said he'd watch the football and then be home straight after. He told her he would be home in an hour.

I get home with kids, sort dinner, etc. All fine. I'm happy to do this as don't begrudge DH being out. Doesn't bother me at all.

An hour's goes by, DH not home. DD asks where he is, she's quite fixated on the 'ill be home in an hour' point. I explain that sometimes time goes faster than you think when you're with your friends etc etc. two hours go by, still no sign of DH. I text him, he says he's moved on to a nearby pub but will be home soon. I explain to DD that he'll be back soon and we snuggle up on sofa and watch some netflix together. All ok but DD a bit teary and asking why dad isn't home when he says he will be etc.

Three hours 'late', DH gets home. DD teary and happy to see him. She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends. She was fine eventually and went to bed, all settled etc.

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

He thinks I'm saying this because I was annoyed he wasn't back (not true at all, as I said I've no issue with this) and has said it is ridiculous that I am asking him to check in with DD when he's out. I said this isn't what I'm saying, but if he tells DD he will be back at a certain time, given her anxiety it's not a great situation to be late back.

He's so pissed off with me I'm wondering if I've over reacted. Sorry - long and possibly confusing - but have I been unreasonable?

Is she getting some help?

We have a CAMHS referral in place and she has had some private therapy. It's helped but isn't helping now, if that makes sense.

YANBU, he doesn't get how bad anxiety can be, and all he has to do is not make promises he can't keep and send her a text. How hard could that be?
Turning it on you is a red flag. He can see how upset she is, so why is he blaming this on you?

He's obviously a selfish arse. I'm assuming this isn't the only time he's been completely self absorbed.

Bless her. I don’t think he was necessarily in the wrong, but he should understand how she is affected by anxiety. I know it’s the holidays but is she having any ELSA or anything at school?

I disagree with this. Your DH is an adult @Doublebubblegum he does not have to report to a child. I’m wondering where her anxiety comes from? Her other parent was home with her.

Yes he said he’d be home in an hour but for goodness sake, sometimes it’s just nice to be out with friends. It wasn’t as if he never came home. Surely you could have reassured her? Every parent needs a break and you were happy for him to be out with his friends. I assume your DH would be happy for you to be put with your friends?

Agree with this, was she able to verbalise what her anxiety centres on? Did she think he'd come to harm? Is it a control thing?

I wouldn’t be pandering to a nine year old either. The right way to deal with it would be to support and reassure your kid, not to chastise a grown man for not being home at the time his kid thinks is acceptable.

Yes. Her anxiety is around being apart from me or DH and worrying something will happen to one of us.

I think he knows he's done wrong and is feeling a bit defensive.

Given that he's probably had quite a bit to drink it maybe wasn't the ideal time to bring it up. Maybe waiting until tomorrow would have led to a more productive conversation.

It's good that DD is getting support because obviously that level of anxiety isn't ok.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

You have to choose your words carefully with an anxious child. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say.

This doesn't mean you are pandering to them, just allaying their fears. Why would you not?

This is something that really annoys me, if someone says they will be an hour and then are 3 that’s just disrespectful and regardless of whether I had a very upset daughter I’d be pissed off.
If they’re not absolutely certain how long they’ll be, they should just say so. Or give the worst case scenario and then if they’re early everyone’s happy

This!

Anxiety is more often experienced when we are coddled. Preparing your children for adulthood and the future should involve some level of discomfort, it's way toddlers have tantrums. People she knows when she's an adult will not always show up exactly when they say or, or stay out later than expected, because other autonomous beings can do as they like. She needs to learn this.

She could grow up to be extremely controlling in relationships or an absolute mess when partners go out and spend time with other people etc if this isn't dealt with.

Then you both need to work on this. It’s completely outrageous for a child to expect both her parents to dance to her tune. Parents need time out and yes I do know there’s single parents who don’t get time away from their children.

Because parents need a life! Should both parents stay in the house to allay fears? Absolutely not. One parent was present.

This post would be jumped on if the mum had gone out and not the dad on here. But as usual the men are cunts for actually having a life. How dare any parent have a life.

Yes I do go out with friends regularly. But the difference is that I wouldn't say I'll be home at xx time. I'll say goodbye to DD and tell her I'll probably get home when she's in bed, for example. I wouldn't tell her I'd be back at a specific time as I know she'll focus on that.

I genuinely don't think we pander to DD. But it's the fact DH said he would be home at a certain time, but wasn't, that has made things harder than they needed to be.

We are trying to get help. I don't want my daughter to grow up with lots of issues.

And it's not about DH having a social life! It's about how he's positioned that to DD, who he knows is anxious.

How old is your daughter? My daughter is 9 and has terrible separation anxiety. Also under cahms. She is also ND though.

Sorry, just saw she is 10

Has something happened in the family to create this anxiety if you're not both with her?

This.
Dad will be home when he’s home. He’s ok and he’s having a night out with his friends. Don’t feed into her insecurities.

Nope. I still don’t agree. If an adult goes out you should not have to tell a child what time you will be home whether they’re in bed or not. You ARE pandering. I think the issue is more yours than your children’s. Just tell her daddy is out with friends. End of conversation. If you go out then you’re out. You’re making this a bigger deal than it is.

That's not what I was saying. Good grief, calm down.

What I said was it's important to chose your words. So don't say you will be back in an hour if you probably won't.

There was nothing wrong with what DH did and yes he is allowed a life.

I had an anxious child, spent many a night in A&E after a self harm episode. Been there, done that. But I still lived my life, went out, went away overnight etc. It was important for my DS to see what a normal life looked like. But I was CLEAR about what was happening and made sure before I went that he knew where I was going and when I was coming back, it allayed his fears. I don't see what this issue is.

FYI, he was adopted and as a toddler BM would leave him on his own, no food, for anything up to 24 hours. So it would get dark and get light again and he was on his own, distressed. So he NEEDED to know we were coming back when we said we were. That level of anxiety was off the scale.