DH not coming home when planned....

[Doublebubblegum]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. My DH thinks I am...

DH took the kids to watch a local sports event today. Lots of mutual friends and kids attending this event, but I didn't go as had a few other bits to do in the house etc.

Plan was for me to pick DH and kids up at around 6ish - got there at 6, DH and his pal had just ordered a beer at the bar (family friendly sports bar type place). DH wanted to watch the football on TV so I offered to take the kids back home and he said he'd come home after the football game.

Our DD (she's 10) has been pretty anxious recently and was a bit upset DH wasn't coming back with us. He said he'd watch the football and then be home straight after. He told her he would be home in an hour.

I get home with kids, sort dinner, etc. All fine. I'm happy to do this as don't begrudge DH being out. Doesn't bother me at all.

An hour's goes by, DH not home. DD asks where he is, she's quite fixated on the 'ill be home in an hour' point. I explain that sometimes time goes faster than you think when you're with your friends etc etc. two hours go by, still no sign of DH. I text him, he says he's moved on to a nearby pub but will be home soon. I explain to DD that he'll be back soon and we snuggle up on sofa and watch some netflix together. All ok but DD a bit teary and asking why dad isn't home when he says he will be etc.

Three hours 'late', DH gets home. DD teary and happy to see him. She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends. She was fine eventually and went to bed, all settled etc.

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

He thinks I'm saying this because I was annoyed he wasn't back (not true at all, as I said I've no issue with this) and has said it is ridiculous that I am asking him to check in with DD when he's out. I said this isn't what I'm saying, but if he tells DD he will be back at a certain time, given her anxiety it's not a great situation to be late back.

He's so pissed off with me I'm wondering if I've over reacted. Sorry - long and possibly confusing - but have I been unreasonable?

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

But people DO say they'll do something, and then don't. It's life. It happens all the time. Circumstances change. Things come up. Part of managing her anxiety is helping her to recognise this and not have it be a problem. You can't constantly ensure that everything goes to plan. You just teach her strategies for managing things when they don't. It's a life skill that we all have to learn, anxious or not.

As sometone else said, there's a danger in making her irrational fears seen real, and managing everything around them. And there's a real stress about constantly having to police oneself for her sake.

Work as a team. Did he really "promise" or did he just say 'I'll be back in an hour or so'? If he said 'i promise I'll be back in an hour', knowing what you do about how your daughter would hear that, it would have been wise for you to say 'don't worry, it doesn't have to be exactly an hour, just let me know how it's going' to reassure her that that would be okay, and to prepare her for the inevitable.

It seems that your daughter has taken his statement literally. We need to be careful what we say to my daughter to minimise expectations.

I think that your h hasn't done anything wrong. Giving in to your DD's anxiety all the time isn't good: it reinforces the fact that she's right and that something bad will happen if her dad isn't back in an hour.

What did she think would happen? Did you talk it all through with her, catastrophising, to help her make sense of her feelings?

That's the point!!

She DOESN'T want to tell her the time anyone will be home as that creates the possibility of anxiety.

She wants her husband to keep it vague so that it doesn't cause distress and doesn't interfere with anyone's social life

Very sensible

My dd has this. She's older. I've been trying to teach her that no matter how she feels, it won't make a difference to the outcome. She can feel anxious for the next 20 years or she can not; her being anxious won't stop me or dh getting ill, falling over, being robbed, etc. anxiety is a waste of energy.

There are loads of good books out there for anxiety in Dc and coping strategies/distraction strategies.

Well said, @saraclara

The daughter needs to learn that it's on her to manage her anxiety, not for everyone else to jump through hoops so that she never feels anxious.

YABU. As others have so eloquently said already. It’s unreasonable to expect that as adults you have to stick to exact times to be home by for your daughter. Her anxiety needs to see that normal adult behaviour is fine and people do not need to be strictly controlled to a schedule to make her feel better. That will only ever reinforce that need throughout her life. You are in some way enabling her anxiety by this behaviour. It's like taking the easy way out. Better would be to model uncertainty in life is fine and norma and adults can make their own decisions and schedule. You may then have to deal with an anxious child but that’s ok. She’ll learn in a supported loving environment that this is ok to be unsure. I wouldn’t coddle her too much and would let her feel her emotions and just give reassurance.

This is what we were taught. Life happens and we all have to deal with it. Even when it's shit, and sometimes it will be really shit.

With DD her therapist said there were times for pushing back against the anxieties, and times just to be there to support. We learned the balance by trial and error.
My life was restricted for quite a while because it was what DD needed (just as parents whose DC have other needs may end up with a restricted life).
It is a very fine balance.

So, next time she gets into a state about one of you being late, you can say “Remember that time Dad was late back from that event? You got really worked up, but it turned out to be absolutely fine, didn’t it?”

Yes, in an ideal world he’d have texted with an update. But I also think your DD needs to experience things like this to build resilience. Things will not always go exactly the way she wants or expects and her anxiety can’t be allowed to control the family.

It's ridiculous to pander to a child.0p should just say Dad will be home later when he is ready to come home and leave it at that.

I absolutely agree with this. It’s great that we’re all so much more aware of anxiety and that we’re less inclined to just shut down kids’ fears, but it’s now in danger of swinging too far the other way. It’s our job as parents to help our kids sit with their discomfort and find ways to handle it, not to control the outside world for them. It’s not good in the long run at all. There’s a world of difference between ‘don’t be so silly, stop worrying’ and ‘you’re worried because daddy’s out and it makes you scared that something will happen to him - that’s not a helpful feeling so when our brains do this it’s something we have to try and ignore or distract ourselves from because daddy is just having fun with his friends and doesn’t want to stop yet, just like when you don’t want to leave at the end of a play-date. Let’s distract our unhelpful worries with this film/a game/a nice walk’. What we can’t do is say ‘don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be home very soon’ because that isn’t going to give her a coping strategy and reinforcing that it’s legitimate to worry about him being out if it’s longer than ‘very soon’. It won’t always be enough - sometimes medication is the only real solution in the long term - but it is certainly better than the spiralling that comes with ‘pandering’.

I think the problem here is your DD’s anxiety and that it may do her good to experience her dad having a flexible arrival time, out of her control, without any negative consequence.

ZOMBIE THREAD

He shouldn't have said he'd be home in an hour, if he knew that DD was likely to interpret that literally.
Going forwards, and knowing that DD is anxious about this kind of thing, it would be better to be less specific if timing is not crucial. And then to phone or text if plans change. That would be the rational ( and polite) thing to do, for DD and for you. He needs to carefully consider his language if DD is likely to rely on what he says.. so " I'll see you later" rather than specifying an amount of time if he is not actually sure when he'll be back.
But DD does need to understand that saying he'd be back in hour was not a promise, it's not breaking his word, it was just a vague statement of intention. It's the same as explaining to small children that " in a minute" doesn't actually mean one exact minute, it just means shortly.
But I have no sympathy for him now he is trying to blame you. Next time I wouldn't be so helpful.