DH not coming home when planned....

[Doublebubblegum]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. My DH thinks I am...

DH took the kids to watch a local sports event today. Lots of mutual friends and kids attending this event, but I didn't go as had a few other bits to do in the house etc.

Plan was for me to pick DH and kids up at around 6ish - got there at 6, DH and his pal had just ordered a beer at the bar (family friendly sports bar type place). DH wanted to watch the football on TV so I offered to take the kids back home and he said he'd come home after the football game.

Our DD (she's 10) has been pretty anxious recently and was a bit upset DH wasn't coming back with us. He said he'd watch the football and then be home straight after. He told her he would be home in an hour.

I get home with kids, sort dinner, etc. All fine. I'm happy to do this as don't begrudge DH being out. Doesn't bother me at all.

An hour's goes by, DH not home. DD asks where he is, she's quite fixated on the 'ill be home in an hour' point. I explain that sometimes time goes faster than you think when you're with your friends etc etc. two hours go by, still no sign of DH. I text him, he says he's moved on to a nearby pub but will be home soon. I explain to DD that he'll be back soon and we snuggle up on sofa and watch some netflix together. All ok but DD a bit teary and asking why dad isn't home when he says he will be etc.

Three hours 'late', DH gets home. DD teary and happy to see him. She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends. She was fine eventually and went to bed, all settled etc.

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

He thinks I'm saying this because I was annoyed he wasn't back (not true at all, as I said I've no issue with this) and has said it is ridiculous that I am asking him to check in with DD when he's out. I said this isn't what I'm saying, but if he tells DD he will be back at a certain time, given her anxiety it's not a great situation to be late back.

He's so pissed off with me I'm wondering if I've over reacted. Sorry - long and possibly confusing - but have I been unreasonable?

YABU. A ten year old dictating when a parent should return home is absolutely insane.

So if he's having a good time he should just break it off and go trotting back home to a child who is perfectly safe and secure sitting with her mother after a nice family day out?!

That's absurd. The child needs to learn to regulate her feelings. If she never gets the opportunity, how will she learn?

Kids don't get to manipulate what their parents do.

I'm getting a sense that daddy isn't allowed to have any fun without being punished for it.

Absolutely insane to pander to your child here. Nothing happened. Literally nothing. If she’s has anxiety issues then she needs professional help not for adults to pander to it.That’ll make it worse

This sounds a lot like pandering to DD, despite you saying you don’t.

Even if he said he’d be back in an hour, she needs to learn to cope with things not being exactly as she expects. You could have said “Dad will be home within the next couple of hours” rather than allowing her to fixate on the exact hour.

It must be difficult managing a child’s severe anxiety, but I think professional help rather than curtailing your social lives would be a better way forward

As the parent you should have neutralised this. Its a very very odd family dynamic

When I said that I would be back in an hour I would be back in approximately an hour or I would txt/ call my family members in an hour to explain the situation/ to discuss staying out longer. Approximately an hour is no more than 90 minutes in my book but not 3 hours.
You keep your promises or don’t make them. That’s behaviour OP wanted her DH to model. She didn’t want him to come home, she wanted him to stick to his words.

I can see it from both POV but I think when it went over an hour it would’ve been best to say something like “Dad might have got a bit busy with his friends and I suspect he might be longer than an hour but don’t worry he is having a nice evening and we’ll have a nice night too and tell Daddy about it tomorrow when we see him”

I used to babysit for a single parent friend who was very flakey with when she came back and I’d downplay the timings to her kid.

It's nothing to do with your child when her dad gets home. I can't believe you're living your life according to your 10 yr old.

Absolutely ridiculous

@BettyBardMacDonald I completely agree with you.

Why can't op be breezy with 'daddy is having fun, he's out tonight, let's watch a film/ read a nice book together'

In 8 years time the child will be going to uni. Will you still be pandering to her every whim? Not sure you'll have a marriage left if you let her control you at every opportunity.

Get your child therapy and help her realise that adults are able to do what they want and not at her beck and call when she's too anxious

Do you think your husband said he'd be home in an hour to appease you? My guess is that he thought you would be upset if said "in a few hours" so he lied to avoid a fight. You are definitely catering to your daughter. No 10 year old should be given this much power and control over her parents.

DH says, I'll be home in an hour to his family. One hour turns into three. FFS, a call to DW to say, "Do you mind if I'm not home for dinner etc? I want to stay out at the pub." would be in order. Courtesy.

He shouldn’t have told her he’d be back in an hour. You were right to pull him up on it. He should be less specific in future. Maybe he has a guilty conscience right now for upsetting her so best to drop it. But remind him in a few days time when he is calmer / your issue was what he said to DD, not that he stayed out.

Christ, he's not a prisoner.

People are allowed to be spontaneous even when they have families.

Saying "I'll be back in an hour," is not "promise" FFS.

I think your DH should have sent a text saying something like “change of plan, going to stay out longer, having fun and we’re moving onto the red lion. Tell DD I’ll see her in the morning” and you could have just relayed this to her. He should be able to change his plans but I also agree it’s just common courtesy to inform his family. He doesn’t need to “stick to his word” because it’s ok for plans to change and your DD needs to see that.

FWIW I don’t like the phrase “pandering to children” because it minimises their feelings but overall I do think your handling of this situation is in effect allowing her to control it which is not appropriate or indeed helpful. I’d have used it as an opportunity to talk through how she feels about the uncertainty of not knowing when he’ll be home. That’s what a lot of anxiety is - intolerance of uncertainty. The way to fix that is not to remove all sources of uncertainty because life cannot be like that. It’s to teach the child how to sit with the feeling and to enable them to learn how to deal with the uncertainty.

YABVU. The control your DD has over you is ridiculous, time to put a stop to it. Sounds like your DH has the right approach.

As the parent with your DD, it was your job to deal with the anxiety at that point. "It's okay for plans to change. He will be back later. He is still with his friends". Repeat when necessary.

Yes a discussion about use of words around DD may be useful but at later date. It does come across like you were having a sly dig.

I think the comments would've be far harsher if it was the other way around and the dad was at home, and said the same to the mum.

Surely what you need is for DD to practice coping with you and DH not being back exactly when they said they would be. Learning to put her fears aside and not to fixate on the time. If you just never give her a time unless you'll definitely come back at that time she won't have an opportunity to develop the skills she needs?

I can see why it could be annoying some times - if you have a particularly busy evening planned and don't really have the capacity to do it all and help her deal with her anxieties at the same time. But you had an easy evening.

And from your OP, it doesn't sound like you framed this as a way of handling DD's anxieties when you criticised your DH. You framed it as something that shouldn't be done because it's wrong to tell someone you'll be back at a particular time when you won't be. So I can see why he thinks it's a problem you have with him not coming back after an hour. If you aren't upset by it, if you understood that his "hour" was a very flexible amount of time that could last all evening and that was fine, then it's not about him "modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't." it's about your DD needing to learn to accept that not everything people say is literal, that there are well accepted fudges that we all need to understand and interpret. Most children start to develop this understanding from the age of about 7 and while it takes time to get all the nuance, she will only do so by being exposed to language being used like that.

I have a DD who can get a bit twitchy about me (and to a lesser extent, DH) not being home. And I 100% agree with the posters saying you can't pander to it - she needs to elarn that she is not the centre of the universe. BUT.... I agree with OP completely that if you tell someone you will be home at a certain time, then you should be home at that time. In future, he needs to be better about this - either NOT saying an hour in the first place, or sending a quick text.

I also don't mind at all when DH is out and about - our DC are old enough that it's not that onerous to be the only parent of an evening. But I absolutely expect DH to give me a heads up if he's going to be significantly later than expected and I don't think it's odd for your DD to feel the same.

Why do you need such vigilance over what an autonomous adult is doing?

@BettyBardMacDonald Well, I think it's pretty normal if someone is out beyond a normal time to worry about them. I mean it's not like I need constant updates from DH. But if he says he's goign to the pub and then doesn't get home until 4, yes, I'd worry so I'd expect a quick text at closing time.

When he goes to his friend "Pete's" house, I know he'll most likely be late so I wouldn't expect any sort of update unless he got unexpectedly drunk and decided to stay over.

It's about expectations - if you're expecting someone at a certain time, then it can be quite worrying if they don't then turn up at that time. But I certainly would never expect DH to ask my permission, or vice versa.

I went out with some girlfriends for dinner a few months back. We landed up getting accidentally rat assed and decided to go clubbing! I didn't ask permission but i did send DH a message so he didn't worry I'd been in a car accident in the taxi home or whatever.

Oh ffs to everyone saying dh doesn't need to tell dw intended to stay later. As previous, it's courtesy.

If DH had said to DD ‘I’ll be home after the watchinf the football’ instead of a time would she have been fine? Agree staying out 3 hours when saying he would be home in an hour is a bit cheeky but if he intended to watch a match that had just started common sense would have indicated he would be out for at least 90mins??

It sounds like your husband was trying to placate DD if she was upset he wasn’t coming home with you, it’s a lesson that he is better being honest with her to help her learn it’s okay for him to be out for a while when she is safe with mum. “I’m going to stay out with my friend to watch the football and have a drink and a catch up but I will see you before bedtime / I’ll give you a kiss goodnight when I get home and we will do x in the morning, have a nice time with Mum.”

She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends.

See, to my mind that's the wrong message to give a child, especially one who takes everything literally. The adults need to be dependable, children need that.

Im with you on this @Doublebubblegum he's modelling the wrong behaviour, it's lazy parenting on your DHs part to not think about how he comes across. He's setting you both (you and DH) up for problems ahead when you let your DD go out when she's a teen with the message "bah, I don't need to care about the commitment I make to be back at a certain time. Dad says I can just go out with my friends and come back whenever I want".

it would have been better for him to have said to you and DD "I'll be back later" and not give an exact time. He could have then texted you if he planned to stay on/go to a different bar etc. it just takes a bit of thought.