DH not coming home when planned....

[Doublebubblegum]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. My DH thinks I am...

DH took the kids to watch a local sports event today. Lots of mutual friends and kids attending this event, but I didn't go as had a few other bits to do in the house etc.

Plan was for me to pick DH and kids up at around 6ish - got there at 6, DH and his pal had just ordered a beer at the bar (family friendly sports bar type place). DH wanted to watch the football on TV so I offered to take the kids back home and he said he'd come home after the football game.

Our DD (she's 10) has been pretty anxious recently and was a bit upset DH wasn't coming back with us. He said he'd watch the football and then be home straight after. He told her he would be home in an hour.

I get home with kids, sort dinner, etc. All fine. I'm happy to do this as don't begrudge DH being out. Doesn't bother me at all.

An hour's goes by, DH not home. DD asks where he is, she's quite fixated on the 'ill be home in an hour' point. I explain that sometimes time goes faster than you think when you're with your friends etc etc. two hours go by, still no sign of DH. I text him, he says he's moved on to a nearby pub but will be home soon. I explain to DD that he'll be back soon and we snuggle up on sofa and watch some netflix together. All ok but DD a bit teary and asking why dad isn't home when he says he will be etc.

Three hours 'late', DH gets home. DD teary and happy to see him. She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends. She was fine eventually and went to bed, all settled etc.

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

He thinks I'm saying this because I was annoyed he wasn't back (not true at all, as I said I've no issue with this) and has said it is ridiculous that I am asking him to check in with DD when he's out. I said this isn't what I'm saying, but if he tells DD he will be back at a certain time, given her anxiety it's not a great situation to be late back.

He's so pissed off with me I'm wondering if I've over reacted. Sorry - long and possibly confusing - but have I been unreasonable?

I think its your DDs anxiety that needs tackling. You could use this example to show her how sometimes even though people have all the good intentions to stick to a time they've said, sometimes that doesn't happen when you're having fun and time ticks away. I absolutely wouldn't be checking in with a child and telling them sorry I'll be a bit later than I said. It's her issues that need tackling, not his.

I agree with you OP.

When somebody tells you they are going to do something, be somewhere at a certain time, you should be able to rely on them actually doing what they say.

Your DH said an hour and that should have been when he came home. If he had a good idea that he likely would be longer than that because he fancied a bit of down time then he shouldn't have been specific.

I think doing what you say you will do is important no matter who you are talking to. But in the case of talking to children it is even more important because by saying one thing and not doing it you are teaching them it's OK to let people down. That it's OK to think just about yourself and that your word is not trustworthy.

So as you say it's not the staying out with his pals that's the issue it's the breaking his promise and his word that is the point.

Your dd was already anxious just based on him staying out.

Yes he should have been vague. But I very much doubt that would have made her feel better. She didn’t want him to stay out at all. a vague ‘a few hours’ isn’t likely to stopped her feeling anxious.

While I think it’s only right that he should have text YOU, to say he was staying out later as it’s polite, I think you have made this into more than it is. Plans change.

Adults do stay out later sometimes. And it’s not about doing what you will say he does. He shouldn’t need to give exact plans to his child. You are in danger here of letting her get to a place where the adults can’t make a decision for themselves and change plans because of something they have previously said to dd.

Dd needs to learn that sometimes people’s plans change and that’s ok.

it's the fact DH said he would be home at a certain time, but wasn't,

Yea. That is a shit thing to do. And makes him unreliable. Your daughter is aware of it.

What has made you put up with that kind of poor commitment?

I’m very calm thank you very much.

Allaying fears and pandering are two completely different things, asking a parent to make sure they’re back at a specific time is pandering.

And no one said he had to be back at a specific time.

As a child who was hugely anxious I can relate. But I would have said said to her daddy is having fun with his friend and will come home later. Then every time she asked I would have reiterated that. Because things change and that's ok.

@LucyVanPeltz tell me you know nothing about anxiety without telling me 🙄

The DD wasn't calling the shots or deciding what time it was acceptable for her father to be home at all!
She was told by her father one thing and he did something completely different. For a child with anxiety that would be really distressing!

And no you don't make children anxious by coddling them. Ignoring their anxieties doesn't make them go away. And it's completely ridiculous to suggest otherwise

Tell me you know nothing when suffering anxiety yourself. Don’t be rude. What I never did was pass my anxiety on to my children.

If a mother had posted on here she’d gone out and was enjoying herself this thread would have taken a completely different turn..

Plans change. Not coddling doesn’t mean ignoring.

‘Dads having fun, he will be home later’ is enough. Even a conversation about how sometimes, adults plans change.

With a child with Anxiety a vague ‘I will be a few hours’ is unlikely to help anyways Especially, if they are already anxious just at you staying out.

Three hours 'late', DH gets home.

OP did. He was 3 hours late.

Yes this, he is a grown up and grown ups are allowed freedom sometimes, if this was reversed of course there would be totally different answers

Sorry I do think YABU because she's whipped you up into a bit of a stress ball with her anxiety.

Has she perhaps been watching the news and is aware that people can randomly be attacked/in an accident?

I think you both need to find strategies that don't involve pandering to her. What if daddy went to Tesco's to do the food shop, got sidetracked at Halfords and was out longer than expected - should he have to tell his 9 year old child, who is home safely with her mother, about the change of plans? Or is it just when someone is out in the evening that it becomes a problem.

I assume that he had already been drinking all day and said he'd be back in an hour with the best intentions/on autopilot.

I think it's very common to start off feeling sensible then end up staying out later than you'd anticipated, especially if you're having a good time.

I think you did overreact

I can see you are grappling with a lot with your DD, but it really is not for her to worry about her dad being out, and pandering to that isn’t good for her.

Obviously it would be better for him to say ‘don’t know darling, see you later or in the morning’, but suggesting that he’s setting her up to not believe people say is OTT - he’s just giving her some patter to answer a question that is really non of her business , it’s not a serious answer.

Your DH is an adult @Doublebubblegum he does not have to report to a child. I’m wondering where her anxiety comes from? Her other parent was home with her.

Totally agree with this.

I have lifelong anxiety and still think it's absurd to pander to a child who is sitting next her mother watching television.

"I guess he is enjoying a catch up with his friends. It's nothing to worry about. Let's pay attention to the film."

Only you know OP, if you are weaponsing your DD in order to control your DH.

We only see one side of the story on this thread.

Had help from CAMHS for anxiety and it involved parent course reading the book helping your child with fears and worries. It made me realise how much management of the environment (pandering) we were doing and I think it is a tricky balance to find to gently help them by supporting them to face their fears but not pushing it too far. The book suggests making a plan together with your child and that has been helpful for us.

Unfortunately the world doesn't pander to people with anxiety and neither should you. I think saying 'dad will come home when he's ready' should have been enough and in future ask him if he could just say he'll be back later rather than a specific time etc for what it's worth I have a teen who was diagnosed with extreme anxiety amongst other things by 6 years old so I know it's difficult

Just because someone has anxiety doesn't mean they must be coddled, pandered to or shielded from every worry and disappointment.

It's not too early for her to learn that life doesn't unfold exactly as we'd like it, or that our personal discomfort trumps everything else.

"Dad is having a night out. Sometimes people change their plans. Let's be happy he's having a nice evening. Everything is fine. What film do you choose?"

Expecting everyone to drop what they're doing each time she feels anxious isn't doing her any favours. The world doesn't work that way.

What if daddy went to Tesco's to do the food shop, got sidetracked at Halfords and was out longer than expected - should he have to tell his 9 year old child, who is home safely with her mother, about the change of plans?

I agree with this point.

I have anxiety that is under control now but was very severe in the past. What anxiety wants is control, and once you give it what it wants, it wants more.

She was unhappy about him staying out at all, so whilst him being more general with when he'd be back might have helped a bit it sounds like she'd still have been anxious about him getting home.

Comfort her, reassure her, but don't give the anxiety what it wants. It's a short term fix but won't reduce anxiety long term. It just reinforces that she's right to worry about daddy being out and can only relax once he's back.

Having said that, for me it's basic politeness that he should have let you know the change in plans without you having to ask. And he shouldn't have turned it round on you and accused you of hiding your irritation behind fake concern over her anxiety.

Well, yes you can misjudge the time when out with friends but there is a huge difference between one hour and three hours!
I absolutely agree with you, OP. It’s not about being out in principle but he should have been more considerate to the family situation.
To be honest even without yourDD’s anxiety I would expect him to be more precise. I was brought up that it’s basic manners towards people who live with you.

I think YABU. Maybe he shouldn't have said he'd be home in an hour but we all loose track of time. Next time he will know not to put a time on it it you DD also needs to be aware life doesn't run on a clock.