To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I excelled in school and university.
For my parents.
I got great work in great fields.
For my parents.
I married well.
For my parents.
I did the happy family.
For my parents.
I got divorced.
FOR MYSELF.

Afterwards, I apologised to my mum for being a disappointment and not staying in my marriage.
She burst into tears and apologised to me for the inappropriate importance she placed on things that weren’t really important at all.

In the long run, nobody is going to remember how well you did in school or how many people you bossed around. But they’ll remember who you loved and how well you loved.

He sounds like an absolute sweetheart, OP. Works hard, provides for his family, is willing to sacrifice to give his daughter the kind of childhood he wants her to have. (He could insist his girlfriend work so he could have just one job, but they think it’s important for her to be home with their daughter, so he works two.) You got a loyal young family man for a son. Sadly, that’s rarer than it used to be, and I think you’ve been blessed.

As far as I can tell, you’re healthy and on the younger side for a grandmother. Please enjoy that as much as you can. I have young kids, and my dad is in his mid-70s with Parkinson’s disease; it’s breaking my heart that he can’t do all of the things with them that he used to do.

To secure a higher paying job and provide security to his family.

All of these MNers applauding trades and manual work: bollocks would you want that for your own sons or daughters.

My wonderful, hardworking FiL was a stonemason and he was physically fucked by 60.

His sons are, respectively, a chartered surveyor, a teacher and a lawyer (my OH), because he would sooner have chewed one of his own limbs off than have them lead the life he led.

Your son sounds like a kind, hardworking young man who cares about his family and wants to do the best for them.

You sound horribly judgmental and snobby.

Education isn't for everyone. Scores of young people go to uni and become disillusioned and end up jobless.

I think being concerned is a better word than disappointed. Just because he isn't as academically inclined as the rest of the family, doesn't mean he cannot be happy in his life. What is more of concern is the lack of aspirations. He doesn't seem to have any particular skill. Does he have progression opportunities where he is working currently?
Another point of concern is that he believes that a mother shud stay at home. To have such an attitude at such a young age is alarming. Yes, his gf has no desire to either, which again strikes me as odd.
Perhaps things will change as they get older and mature.

I would be concerned about the pay cheque to pay cheque part of it and be encouraging him to get a trade and build a business. Financial security gives you options, which is priceless.

Academics is not everything, but I loved studying and uni and would feel sad he missed out on that but it is not for everyone.

so you would rather he be a miserable high achiever when it’s not in his being ?
your son sounds very sweet, he is happy, he has morals, surely that’s enough ?
sounds to me that he wished you stayed at home and brought him up. You get one childhood and one mother in life, and bonding is crucial for stability.

You're asking for PERMISSION to be "slightly disappointed"?

Most people would be hugely disappointed. Curious that he says the mother should be a home - because presumably that attitude came from his upbringing. Also curious that you apparently haven't mentioned it even to friends. Also curious that I get the impression you've never conveyed any disapproval to him.

The only thing working in your favor is that he's still so young. You can keep pointing out that just "getting by" is not necessarily the best attitude for a growing family, and you can point out that if he'd like to give some serious thought about choosing a field where he can do better, it would be preferable to do it at 21, rather than 31 or 41.

What a fantastic son you gave, you should be really proud. And help and support him and his young family. Enjoy the grandchildren, whom if he’d taken the route you imagined you’d be much older before you’d have any.

Exactly. Some people only measure "success" in terms of money, apparently nothing else matters.

I can't help but feel rather sorry for those people, they miss out on a lot. Sad little lives dominated by earning potential.

I know plenty of people who have done manual work and been in trades who have not been physically fucked by 60. I've even done jobs which were described as manual work myself - and I felt far better than I did during the decades I sat behind a desk, and the lower back pain I'd had since my twenties improved no end. Being a stonemason I would imagine is very hard work, but not all jobs are equal.

I wouldn't imagine being a teacher is much fun these days - have you read any of the numerous posts by teachers here?

Neither of my two children are academic whereas all their cousins are high achievers who went to uni. My son and daughter have always worked hard in a variety of jobs, never particularly well paid but enough to just get by.
Fast forward they are all now in their late 20's early 30's and my children are well rounded, practical and interesting people, their cousins having focused on academia are lovely but lack the awareness mine have developed and despite having more wealth are not happy individuals.

Your son sounds an amazing person, don't be such a snob.

So who is going to do it then? Oh, other people's children.

The country would be completely fucked without those working these jobs that are so beneath some.

It has been surprising to see so many 'educated' posters can't seem to understand that not everyone can study or go to university.

Time to look at this situation with a different lens.

For someone so young to be settled, working and taking good care of their family is massively impressive. Especially when we live in a society where family values don't seem to be a priority to most anymore.

I started my family when I was younger, I was married with two children by 21. I just wanted to be a mum, my husband worked incredibly hard so I could stay home and raise our children. I don't think I had any intention of working. However, when the children went to school and life settled into a new routine i decided to get a job - in the children's school. This led to me going to college and university. I qualified as a teacher when youngest 10.

We are so fortunate to live in a time where education is fluid and accessible. Just because it's not happening now doesn't mean it's not going to happen in the future... opportunities arise.... we never know what will happen.

Your son has secured themselves a HA home, a secure, affordable tenancy with almost zero risk of eviction... that itself is amazing 🤩

You have so much to be proud of..... one thing I will say... as a working mother... I feel that I'm expected to work like I don't have children and parent like I don't have a job.... the pressure to perform both successfully is insane. It's nice to hear that your son values his partners presence in the home. I'm a single parent now- so no longer have that luxury x

Be proud x you've raised a great son there xx

Because not everyone is academic ithats,why people are suggesting alternatives routes such as trades s
And there is nothing wrong with manual work.

Unpopular opinion but I don't think that if you're deliberately planning to have a 2nd child then "living paycheck to paycheck" and having no longer term plan beyond that is the best life-preparation for a child- unless OP's son has no power to change their situation then fair enough.

Plus imagine if OP's son were suddenly to have no job-security or if he was to separate with his partner, how could he contribute to his child's life without relying on the bank of mum & dad and how could she financially contribute to the child's life with a record of unemployment.

This isn't the 1970's anymore, it's for good reason that women have more financial independence from their partners than in those days.

OP, make sure you clarify on how many children your son and his partner ultimately want to have and what their plans are for that (if any) or if 2 is the max.

Also, I think it's important for OP to ask how long her son's savings would last in an emergency scenario.

I disagree mumsnet is obsessed with Alevels and university and many posters can't grasp the fact that not all 18 year old have the ability to go to university
Surprising really when they consider themselves to highly educated.

Is he happy? Because he seems to be and that matters more. He doesn't have your aspirations, but is currently in the place he wants to be.

What kind of life will he give his kids? What are his prospects? Will he always live pay check to pay check?

When you grow up you learn about the importance of money and what it can afford you. In order to get money you usually need a well paying job which usually require further study/ qualifications. Or maybe not but the son doesn't seem to be wanting to improve his prospects as he is happy as he is.

What if his children want to do activities , go to Uni. If he doesn't make enough money to save, how will he afford these?

Don't be so short sighted

I suppose I am in the minority, but I would be hugely disappointed at this. Hugely.

2 kids by the time you are 21 and having such low aspirations is not what I want for my children. I wouldn't care what my friends said, but I would worry for my son. I expect I will get flamed for this, but that's fine.

There is a certain over-romanticisation of the trades especially by the middle classes in general and those who don't have a manual-work job in particular.

Only if you have the ability to go to university in the first place