To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

They will have to work and get loans like thousands of other university students....

Exactly and there's people on here that think being a passivist about your own Grandchildren's future is some how a solid virtue as well.

I would feel the same as you OP - it is so young to start a family and he hasn’t had the opportunity yet to concentrate on a career. Finding a trade or skill that he enjoys would be the right path. I understand your not wanting him to be an unskilled manual worker all his life.
But I would also be so proud of his responsible attitude and hard work and the fact that he has a little family and friends.
Encourage him to get a trade/ skill now so that he has better earning potential in life . Could you support them to find out what benefits they might be entitled to or financially support them whilst he is an apprentice?

I don't actually think it's unreasonable to be disappointed because no-one should feel bad for being ambitious for their kids. However I would say going down the academic route doesn't guarantee happiness and can cause lots of stress. There is not one failsafe route to happiness and your son seems to have got things right, providing for his young family. Personally if I was his girlfriend I would be thinking of work when the child is older, perhaps at primary school, but really that's up to her. Family is the most important thing and your son is prioritising his family.

A lot of work is low paid, even for those with degrees. A lot of qualified people live pay check to pay check too.

He sounds like he is a hard worker, and hopefully he will become more skilled in a particular trade over time and then progress a bit financially and hopefully build a buffer for when his body wears out.

My DS...is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it

He announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon...he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job

He is also very clear that the lifestyle you would like him to pursue, that you pursued yourself, made him miserable as a child and is something he wants to actively avoid for his own family. He's really thought about how he wants to raise his kids and he feels the weight of that responsibility.

You want to be able to brag to friends about your son. Can't you find so many positives in what he's doing? Does he really need to fit into your very narrow idea of what "success" is, in order for you to speak proudly about him to others? Surely you wouldn't rather he was miserable but rich, just so you would feel you could show off?

It sounds like he knows what he wants and is working hard and achieving his goals, not yours. He also has the strength of character to resist the pressure from you to conform to your aspirations for him, which would be at the expense of what he actually wants for himself.

Your disappointment in him will be obvious and if you don't start to appreciate him as a person in his own right, you will harm your relationship with him. It sounds like he is a great young man and you should be very proud.

Your son sounds like he's doing great, you should be very proud of him

80% of UK students are likely to gain financially from attending university

Source: Institute of Fiscal Studies, not Institute of personal anecdote because I have an ideological non-pragmatic bias in favour of trade jobs because I somehow think that I'm punching up at all those hoity toity wannabees with their aspirations.- that'll teach them working-class not to have ideas above their stations and to stick to what they're good at.

Your son sounds lovely. He works hard and appears to be a good dad and partner. You should be very proud.

We have a son who didn't take the academic route. DH went to Cambridge and has a PhD. I have a Masters. However, we didn't expect that our dc would go to university - we tried to ensure they didn't feel pressurised.

DC1 is bright (mostly As at GCSE) but totally disengaged with school in 6th form. Left without A levels. I didn't care about him going to uni but I was worried that he wouldn't be able to get a decent job. He ended up doing an apprenticeship, which he loved, and now works as a motor mechanic. He only earns £34k but he is really happy. He's also fun to be with, kind and interesting.

I think it's hard for dc who aren't academic if they are in a family where everyone else is. In our case, whilst dh and I tried not to have expectations about uni, our wider family do. My MIL has expressed disappointment that DS hasn't gone and is "only" a motor mechanic (her words not ours!). DS knows we are really proud of him though.

I'm also an only child, who was shipped off to relatives and then spent 12 hours a day in school/childcare, seeing my mum after 8pm every day, always rushed, always tired. Always got told how much they sacrificed for me. How much they worked for me to give me material things. They came from poor backgrounds so they thought money is all that matters.
Now they want a closer relationship and they can't understand why I'm so independent and distant. Go figure.

Your son didn't like his upbringing so he's making different choices. He sounds like a nice lad.

Just enjoy being a young grandmother, surely that's awesome?!

You both work and I presume you were planning on supporting him through Uni.

You can still help him financially even though he didn’t go by giving him this money to invest.

Have you helped him set up an ISA? Stocks and Shares ISA? Savings account? Pension?

Have you invested for your grandchild?

Help him navigate the financial world by giving him a lump sum or investing a lump sum for your GC in a CTF.

I’d be really proud if this was my son. He sounds very loyal and hardworking. Just enjoy the time you spend with him and his family.

He's 21. Who says all he'll do is what he's doing now? I'm not in the job I was even I was 21 are you?
His education is real world not academic, let him grow in his own way.

YABU.

Surely all we want for our children is for them to be happy and healthy? It sounds like your son is incredibly lucky in that he has found what makes him happy very early in life.
I have encouraged our children to carry on with their education as it will allow them to make a choice about what they want to do with their lives but your son has been able to make his choice already. I envy him.
You should be proud of who he is

Should he marry her even if she doesn't want to?

OP, could you be more specific on what your son's manual labour job actually is?

It could be very helpful in how we could provide more advice as some of us might have actual life-experience in his specific field.

(I might but I'm long since-retired so I doubt any of my career-specific advice would be any good).

Reading your updates, I can see he is trying to do the exact opposite of what you have done. Which is what children often do, I guess.
I parent very differently to most of MN, so I guess I will always be out of step on some issues.

YABU. You described a hard working man in a committed relationship providing for his family. You should be proud of him, it's really sad that you aren't. We may need money to survive (sounds like he is providing that) but children don't care about fancy holidays and clubs. What they really want and need is love, stability and their parents time and attention.

He's 21. His life hasn't "turned" out at all yet.

I worked in the city in my 20s and 30s, the most successful men really didn't start applying themselves until they were 25.

Does have a desire to learn a trade, does he work in the building industry, would supporting him to become a qualified plumber/electrician/plasterer/joiner be of interest to him? Our joiner is so talented and when he did some work on our house we got talking and he told us (he’s a really chatterbox, lovely guy!) was dyslexic at school but didn’t know and he really struggled and left at 16 and bummed about a bit until his Dad got him in touch with a local joiner pal and he realised he was clever and able in a different way, he sees things in a unique way and has an eye for detail. He works for the council as a joiner and has a private business on the side with a plumber friend.

All that to say, some people have aptitudes in different ways and it’s easy to assume success is only qualifications. Your son sounds like a good man and father and he’s providing for his family. But if you suspect he has ambitions (like a qualified trade) then perhaps you can offer support for him to do that? If you have the means?

Yep this is me as well. The idea that people really wants their kids to be having children so young and just getting by. And with a partner who also does not want to work. There is a happy medium. I know people who had kids very young (by accident) and they stuck together but they also supported each other in further study/training and build a solid financial future together. I don't think the OP is being unreasonable - and comparing the situation to parents with disabled kids (I am one) and severe MH or drug issues is taking extreme alternative.

I agree that the OP's DS sounds like a good person but the lack of any sort of financial responsibility by the girlfriend (no ambition other than to eb a SAHM) would be a concern to me as a parent.

@JemimaPuddleduck7 remember everybody has their own definition of success. Your son is successful in his own way and you should be proud of this! Enjoy your time with your son and his family and stop stressing. Who cares what your friends think!