To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

It's bound to sting a bit op when he says he wants to give his child a different one to the one you gave him but it sounds like you're raised a well adjusted, hard working, caring young man and at the end of the day that is what is really important in the grand scheme of things.
If I was you I'd focus on the positive relationship you have with his family and make the most of your granddaughter, I'm sure there's far more people would be disappointed if they didn't have a grandchild than a son without a degree

It might be a lovely council house in a beautiful area. Secure housing is like gold dust and yes, many people would work two jobs to keep that for their family!

If I were you the only issue I would have is the fact that his girlfriend doesn’t work.

I lived for 4 years in a rural area where everyone else had their children young. They often studied and progressed in their careers in their 30's instead.

Yabu to not put this behind you and celebrate instead your son carving out the life he chooses for himself. Don't we want for our kids what they want themselves? We just want them to be happy?

Yabvu to use the term 'paycheck'. I assume you're in the UK as you mention HA. No one is paid by cheQUE. From an educated person as you say you are, that's not good. (I apologise, but it's one of my absolute bugbears.)

He sounds pretty amazing to me remember we don’t own our children we only borrow them

I agree with posters saying that manual work may not be his best option longterm- fine at 21, but perhaps not so great at 45- so longterm it would be better for him to have some other qualifications.
When you say manual work, I’m assuming that’s it’s quite physically demanding. One injury could make it a lot harder for him.

But her son has many things that people aspire to for their children. Your son has just done things in a different order. He has…

A good work ethic.
Friends.
A partner and a child.
A stable home.
No university debt.

He is still young and there is plenty of time for him to develop more of a career if he chooses to.

Most of his peers from school probably have friends and a good work ethic, but no child or stable home, and they will have debt. Over time they will go on to pay off their student debt, get more stable housing and have a family. Things that her son has already achieved.

This post is really sad. Its all about what you want and how you feel. He sounds happy and is getting on in life. I'd be proud of my child for doing what makes them happy and not following everyone else like a sheep.

If my friends looked down on me because one of my children had...quelle horreur....gone into a trade instead of Uni, had stepped up to the plate when his (presumably) much loved girlfriend got pregnant and continued to prove his worth as a Dad by working hard, I'd tell them to fuck the right off.

And 2 of my kids are currently in extremely high ranking US Universities, one is now working for a F500 and one is an electrician. They're all bloody brilliant adults that I'm extremely proud of.

Everyone wants the best for their kids and your version of your son living his best life and his version clearly dont align and that is what it is. On the positive side, your son seems like a hardworking and thoroughly decent man. Well done!

He sounds happy, how could you possible want more than that?

I have lived paycheque to paycheque for all of my life, and I am one of the most content people you will find. My good friend got married at 17 and gave birth to her first child in the month she turned 18. Her DH was in a low paid manual job. They are still together and have done very well for themselves - without either of them taking on any kind of study. None of my friends went to uni, all have done well.

The most unpleasant man I know was a professor at an Ivy League university.

High aspirations are no more of a virtue than low.

Wanting to do well is fine, equally so is not caring about doing well.

But this is MN, snobbery is considered a virtue here.

But this is MN, snobbery is considered a virtue here

What a fatuous generalisation. Show me the evidence for the whole of MN, i.e all posters holding this view.

@JemimaPuddleduck7 DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child.

This doesn't sound ideal. Fine not to want to go to university, but not fine to basically drift - because that's what's happening, if he hasn't any particular skill.

I'd encourage him to go for a trade such as plumbing, etc. Train for it.

Girlfriend similarly unskilled and stay-at-home... yeah, great, but what'll happen to the kids if they split up?

Both parents need to grow up.

If you bothered to read the rest of the post you would see that my remark was a flippant response to the poster who wrote "But this is MN. Low aspirations are considered a virtue here".

Honestly, the lack of comprehension on here astounds me at times!

I think that's a lovely post. He knows how to be happy, and that's priceless.

I think the key takeaway from this is that he is working, he is happy, and he's making his family happy too.

I do understand your frustration op: we have super high expectations from our children, but want their expectations to be the same as ours.

He just has different expectations

Low aspirations? To have a stable relationship and a beautiful child while you are still young is not low aspiration. To be responsible and hardworking is not aiming low. This young man has only lost out if you are calculating in pounds and pennies, not the richness of human experience.

I think it sounds as though you raised a hard-working man who is fortunate to have found a partner and start a family at a younger age. It sounds wonderful, nothing to be disappointed about.

I'd rather have low aspirations than work a stressful job all hours just to lord it over people how amazing I am.

Op I feel I could've written your post. Only now we don't talk, his choice, his girlfriend wound me up to the point I couldn't not say anything and it's cost us our relationship sadly but for my own mental health I had to.
I can't help feeling I wanted more for him, he's a great dad, hard working and intelligent which im so proud of him for and I think seeing them 'just get by' stings (although I never let on) as he has so much potential, he's young so does have time if he wants to chase his dreams.
We only want the best for them don't we.

It sounds like he's done really well for a 21 year old. There's nothing wrong with a Mother being at home when she has small children as they need their Mother at that age. What would you do if he had lots of student debt, struggling to keep up with high earning friends, and single with no children at 40?

By the way there is nothing wrong with claiming some benefits when you are raising small children. That is what they are there for.

Lastly, all the people I know who have a trade are way richer than the people I know who went to uni. He could train as a plumber or electrician and earn loads.