To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I know I disappointed my parents. I didn’t go to uni until my middle twenties and am much less academic than my brother. But now I’m a mum I have only two goals in life - to raise a happy kid and to raise an independent kid. Sounds like you’ve done it. Great job!! Be happy he is happy!

Only one of my DC got decent A-levels, though two now have degrees. My brightest DD never went to university but has rarely been unemployed and now earns more than enough to support herself and her two DC well.

Your son may change his mind about his job, there's often training available whilst you're working to enable you to move up.
I agree with others that having a high-powered or professional career is not the be-all and end-all, earning enough to live as you wish is what many people want.

@user1478639495 I agree with a lot of that- There are many ways to have a successful life and success isn't always just financial. There are an awful lot of well qualified academically late 20s and 30 somethings living paycheck to paycheck too and often still living at home. I think OP look at the positives, he's in work, he hasn't got a ton of student debt, he has a home and clearly has a partner who really cares about him and a child that's giving him motivation. I'm sure he will build security gradually- probably do a trade- but in his own time- I think the issue is probably that in 'your circle' it's not the fine way and you feel embarrassed about it- don't- be proud of them

He sounds like a lovely, responsible young man. Be proud of him. The way he is supporting his family is great.

The thing I want most for my children is for them to be happy and healthy. It sounds like he is both of these things. We all make different life choices, sounds like you should support his.

He may not be high achieving but he has turned into a very respectable and responsible young man. I would be proud of this. He’s stepped up and doing everything he can for his family, a lot of men would run for the hills. He’s family orientated, he has friends and he sounds like a grafter. You should be proud. My only issue is the DIL, if he is a labourer, he will reach a point of it doing him over and work related injury over time. I would be advocating to her to get a job once the DC go to school to help out financially.

I would be so proud of your son if he was mine.

I haven't read the thread but 21 is way too young to decide his life hasn't turned out well. At 21 my life probably didn't look good but I got it back on track. I'm now retired with a good work pension, my own home and good relationships with my children and grandchildren which is successful in my book.

If he is happy, makes his family happy (partner and kids), I would say you did a pretty good job 🌺

I think you should be proud of him. He is so young and has a beautiful family that he has shown up for.

What a horrible thing to say about your daughter!

you daughter is happy, it on the starting blocks of an amazing career. Why do you think OP’s son is streets ahead? Beciase he has a child? A council house? A lower paid job?

its not a competition, they have chosen very different paths but I don’t think many people would conclude that OPs son is streets ahead of your very accomplished daughter. Their paths are completely different

I love this so much! She's right.

I'll also add- I had a bonsai tree once and it was a pain in the arse- yes, it looked beautiful but it was so needy and demanding and you could only give it pre boiled water etc. So much upkeep and pruning to keep it like that. Mine died after I forgot to pre-boil water one time.

Conversely, we have a wild little palm tree type thing in our front garden (no idea what the specific name for it is). Never done a thing to it. That little wild palm tree has weathered heat and snow and wind and it's still going. It started off as one, then it became two and now its four- two larger ones and two little sprouting babies attached to it.

You know which one brought/brings me the most joy?- the palm tree. Its resilience and tenacity and abundance is so beautiful to me. Much lovelier than the irritating little bonsai shit that died because one time it got non pre-boiled water.

Your son choose to follow a completely different path to both his parents. I think that's very courageous of him because so many children force themselves to do what their parents want them to do for fear of repercussion or letting their parents down.

The fact that he has done this is really great for him. And he's happy it seems. Who knows how he feels, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your son and their family.

You're all adults now, you can't make him get a better job, or study, or force him to be happy studying. You're perfectly entitled to your own feelings, but wouldn't 'Happy that my son is happy' be better than 'Embarrased because my son doesn't compare the same as my friends'? For all you know, your friends children might be miserable on the inside, or decide in 5/10 years they hate their careers, and have to start over from the bottom.

He sounds wonderful. I can understand you feeling disappointment because you had a particular vision in mind. But that's your mistake, not his. We all get to live our own lives as we see fit. Or we should.

I had a father who prized education and being clever above much else. I turned out to have ADHD (not diagnosed until adulthood and as I'm almost 50 and it really wasn't recognised for anyone then, never mind girls) Although recognised (particularly by him) as being clever I just couldn't achieve in an academic setting. But I kept trying and trying. I eventually got a degree at 34 having spent a lot of that time as a student. It had been torturous as was the next decade of work life.

Because of all of that time spent on a future that wasn't meant for me, and the knocks it gave my self-esteem, I didn't meet my now husband until I was 41. I'm so lucky to have our son but I would have loved to have had more children. Instead I have a degree that didn't ever earn me more that 25k. I'm finally working in a creative field doing what it was I was good at and loved since childhood. I don't resent my dad, I know he was doing what he thought best and I know he loved me. I wish I'd loved myself enough to follow my talents earlier though.

If I were you, I'd be so proud that my son knew his own mind and his strengths. I hope I encourage my son to develop into who he wants to be and provide the support he needs to follow his interests. The only way he'd disappoint me is if he became a criminal. Doing honest work and bringing up a family wouldn't be an embarrassment, quite the opposite. Hopefully you can reevaluate what success is, it comes in many forms but the best indicator is reaching the level of contentment your son appears to have.

What poor personal decisions?
He sounds very happy with his personal decisions.....

I think I know who you feel. I'm also very academic/am a medical professional and my son (whose at a top private school) has zero interest in studying, and has really struggled at school (recently diagnosed with ADHD as the age of 17). Although he's made great friends at school he absolutely hates the study side of things and plans to end his education with his A levels (he's only doing those because I made him and that's proving torturous). He has his heart set on a physical job iin the public sector which I've really struggled with. To my mind the world is his oyster! With time though (and the ADHD diagnosis), I've come to accept that success isn't all about jobs/career etc. It's about creating a life that suits you and we're all different when it comes to that. My struggle was (is) all about my middle class aspirations and how he should be just like me but he isn't. Your son has some amazing qualities - a job he's happy with, is hard working, is responsible, has found love and has a family. These are absolute wins - life goals that lots of 'successful' people never manage to achieve. My son - despite his lack of 'achievement' is such a happy boy with so many friends. Your son sounds really happy too and that is to be 100% celebrated especially in this age when so many children are wracked with anxiety etc. Support him 100% - the middle class life that you might wish he'd followed isn't all it's cracked up to be. I worked in a job a couple of years ago with graduates, many with first class degrees, who wouldn't leave even though the conditons were awful because it paid so well - £27K - in London. That was such an eye opener to me. Degrees etc don't necessarily mean high income. Your son sounds fab.

So long as my children are happy, that means the most to me.
I’ve 2 adult children who are in relationships, work normal jobs and own their own houses. My daughter and her bf have a little girl.
They’re happy so I'm happy, I couldn’t give a flying fig how it looks to anyone else, I’m certainly not embarrassed by their life choices.

I think it you had stopped thinking that university was the end all and be all of life and encouraged him to get a trade , plumber, builder , electrician he could now be earning better money than many university graduates. Sometime life doesn't go in the direction you have in your min for our children, but surely happiness and contentment of their life is worth far more. He thankful for your sons little family.

Spot on. Your son sounds like an inspirational young man who you should be very proud of. Why are you comparing with others who have achieved greater academic success. Your attitude comes across as snobby although I.m sure you don't mean it to.

You are NOT being unreasonable. As his mother, you're entitled to your opinions. When you have a child, you naturally think ahead and try to give that child every opportunity to fulfill their potential. Yes, we want them to be happy but also successful, able to support themselves & any family & use their talents & intellect to full advantage. As his mother, you know him better than he knows himself; know what he would be capable of if he didn't bypass opportunities. You are in a very difficult position.

Indeed!

Disagree, OP's son has decades ahead to achieve his potential and fulfill his potential, whatever that might be

Sounds like you raised a decent, hardworking young man who wants to provide well for his family. I would be happy for either of my daughters to be with such an honest hard working man. Academia isn't everything.

Very insightful.
It would take some adjusting for me too OP, but in truth he sounds like he has solid foundations for a happy life. I would be a bit concerned about their finances though, although I'd fully expect his view and aspirations on that to change with time. He is only 21 after all.

OP your lovely son is healthy, happy, safe and self supporting. This has always been my aim for my three children no matter how many degrees they have between them… and they have quite a few. Be proud; he sounds delightful.