To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

@medik7

Indeed. Backing away slowly…

Maybe you should read posts about people losing their children or them having terrible health problems and learn to be grateful. None of us know the future.

Embarrassed? How awful to feel this way about a child that is clearly a very decent and hard-working man. I hope he never gets wind that you feel this way about his life choices.

Your son sounds wonderful. He has demonstrated so many qualities to admire. He is hardworking, loyal, loving, decent and emotionally mature. He provides for his family and is not infected by the disease which is destroying Western society, the disease of greed and acquiring ‘stuff’. IMO all any parent can hope for is that their child(ren) is a kind caring human being who is solvent and lives a fulfilling productive life. Degrees and all the other labels are much less important than the character of their child. You’ve raised a lovely young man. Be proud of his great qualities they matter far more than university qualifications.

The op is sound but you can see if you go against grainy if the middle class Mumsnet you are a enemy

They sound like a happy young family who work hard and are financially responsible. That's a good start.

My parents were embarrassed by my life choices when I was his age. To be fair, I made pretty poor choices, but their thinly-veiled disappointed was very hurtful. I grew up and they mellowed.

I have read the OP’s posts and most (but not all) of the thread.

A few people have said that the girlfriend should be working. It sounds as though she won’t earn enough to pay for childcare - and the OP is still working (too young to retire) so won’t be providing regular childcare.

I remember paying half my take home salary to my nanny (and I was earning really good money).

There is no "should" about anyone working outside the family, male or female. If they are part of a family unit where there are children it is fine for only one to go out to work or both to share that aspect of their life together. Just because you can do something does not mean you should.

He sounds like a good man. Be proud.

Pork, lamb, chicken ?

Be loud and proud about you son, he sounds wonderful.

Your son is happy, provides for his family, in a loving relationship and works hard. That in itself is something to be very proud off

Are they happy, that's all that actually matters.

A kind caring lad in a steady away job, working hard to support his family, what's not to love or be massively proud of? My DD did well at school, brilliant exam results and now has a law degree, a job she loves and £54k of student loan. She lives in a flat with friends costing £ 600 each per month plus bills, but she is happy, In my opinion your Ds is streets ahead in his life. Just be proud, you have done a fab job

@JemimaPuddleduck7 all you need is to ask yourself 1 question..... is your son happy? If so he has everything he needs. You can have all the education in the world but be unhappy. Sounds like your son has everything he needs, I wish him well.

They’re happy and your son is hard working and resourceful. Sounds like you have the problem not him!

I think it's understandable for you to have your thoughts and feelings but they are YOURS. Talk them through with your husband or a friend or go to therapy as they are your issues. And just support and encourage your son and his family that he is doing so well for. And do it appropriately in a kind way as and when things come up, don't be pushy. If it was a case of which I don't believe it is that you are constantly having to financially bail them out and support them then you would be absolutely right to butt in but since they are doing wonderfully and are happy I'd support that and be thankful for what a wonderful path his life has taken. He is so young, I bet he will work his way up and be a high earner over the years. Now isn't the rest of his life written off. The most important thing is your grandchild is cherished and loved, it's so important for a child to grow up feeling loved and safe.

I see where you are coming from but he’s doing what he needs to do. He’s working hard & they sound pretty stable. It could be worse, he could be lazing around all day or in the pub every night. They are young, he may move up the ladder in his job and there is nothing wrong with not going uni. It’s admirable that he’s supporting his family & I think although I would be upset if my son was going to be a dad at 19, I would also be proud that he’d stepped up to be a good man

Yes, you are being unreasonable. If he’s happy with his life, why can’t you be? So what if he wasn’t as academically gifted as the rest of you. He has a family that he loves. Until he tells you he feels he’s messed up, keep your beak out.

Your son sounds great, and if he isn't worried about being on a low income in the midst of a cost of living crisis, he must be happier overall than most people.

He's obviously figured out what's important to him. All I would do is ask if he thinks he can progress in either of his careers and help him figure that out. Just say another child will inevitably push up their outgoings and you want him to remain happy and not get stressed.

I think it's ok to be a little sad for him . No qualifications makes it much harder to move away from entry level poorly paying positions. I think lots of people are naieve in saying there is no need for money to be happy. ask someone who lives pay check to paycheck about the stress of an unexpected bill, a a sudden growth spurt, car breakdown or always having to say no to your children.
There is no shame in wishing he was financial comfortable. Surely that's part of what we want for all our kids.

He's chosen this life and he's happy. It's the most important thing.

I had a child at 19, I didn’t go to university. Neither did my husband. What we both had was a good work ethic. When our kids were younger we were living pay check to pay check. We are now in our 40s own our own property and earn better money than the vast majority of our friends who did go to uni, without the student debt. Education is important but it’s not the only thing that makes you a success in life. Some people take a different path, I think you being embarrassed by your sons choices says more about you than him.

The ultimate goal in life is to find happiness. It sounds to me like he is happy, so he's winning at life. The fact that he's found happiness in a manner that you don't understand or agree with is your problem, not his.

Besides, he's still very young. I achieved way below what I'm capable of at school and didn't initially go on to further or higher education. It wasn't until my late 20s that I decided what I wanted to do as a career. My salary puts me in the top 5% so I've done alright despite the late start. Your son still has plenty of time to be financially successful, should he decide that's important to him.

This sounds like a 'You' problem. If you weren't trying to live through your son, judgemental, toffee-nosed, and resentful - There would be no problem.

So many families out there would love a child, so many families have had a child born with learning disabilities and degenerative diseases - Those children are loved unconditionally. Perhaps you should try being less sour and more grateful? Parents like you make my blood boil. Our children should not be put in this world with the condition they live up to some unrealistic high standard.

He is going to be the person who looks after you when you're old and senile - If you were my parent and I knew you thought this; I wouldn't want to take care of you.