To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

If you can’t see the issue, then there is no point explaining further.

And again, we don’t know the context in which this was said. He could have been responding to being asked why his partner doesn’t work, and supporting his wife in her decision. And posters really are ignoring the fact that his partner doesn’t want to work, to suit their own narrative.

And another specific sentence is ‘her husband decided one of them would be at home with the kids, and whoever got a job first, the other would stay at home.’ Yes, he could have put it differently, so could OP’s son. But this is life, and we don’t always put it the right way without the MN language and thought police there to correct us.

Nope. I accept she may well not want to work. It is still a sexist comment. Both can be true.

Maybe she doesn’t want to work because of his sexist beliefs 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with this. Manual work is a hard life.

Yep exactly, he might be repeating what his partner has said or in response to a question. That might be her opinion and he is agreeing.

Sometimes Mumsnet just wants to make out someone is a sexist pig.

Why are you insinuating that she has no mind of her own and will go along with whatever he says ? Maybe his partner has actually said herself that a mother should be with her children and he’s just agreeing. Doesn’t make it necessarily sexist. Context is everything.

And yet someone has to do it the country would grind to a stop without manual workers.

If society was like Mumsnet rose tinted glasses it would cease to function. Plenty of people work manual jobs all their life and are happy.

This looking down on manual workers is just classist.

Yep who kept the country going during lockdown, manual workers that's who.

Is he happy, content and fairly stress free with his "small" life?

Not chasing the next promotion, no envy over what others have , always eyeing the next best thing?

That's fairly priceless to be honest, especially contentment.

Does he have any interest in developing some qualifications in a manual type work, but skilled and possibly better paid?

You do understand that they can both hold sexist opinions, right?

If he agrees with a sexist opinion expressed by a woman, he still has a sexist opinion.

My H holds lots of opinions. The ones I repeat are the ones I agree with.

Or she may wish to stay home with the kids out of personal preference, hatred or fear of working, or any other reason.

All we know is that he has expressed a very specific and sexist view that mothers should be with children.

Why are you so keen to make up context and background? Of course anything could have happened to cause him to say this. Or it could be his genuine opinion. But on threads like this, all we have to go on is what people tell us. You are inventing all sorts of different back stories. It’s strange.

Your the one who has decided he's a sexist pig who isn't allowing his partner to work strange indeed.

@Tattletwat

This looking down on manual workers is just classist.

You don’t have to “look down on” certain jobs to not want your children to do them. I don’t look down on people who clean toilets for a living or look after people with dementia. I don’t look down on soldiers or priests or many other people who do jobs which are important.

It doesn’t mean I have to think they are right for my children or would push my children into doing them.

Would you push a child into doing a minimum wage job at a care home if you knew they could earn more for a less stressful or rewarding job?

If not then you have no right to lecture others on their reservations.

Knowing that manual work is hard work and certainly isn't an easy life like some people portray it as ≠ looking down on manual work

If that was the case then many manual-workers themselves would be classed as snobs and what are people gonna claim it is then, internalised classism?

OP I think you are going to have to accept that different people want different things in life. I know I'm certainly not as driven as my parents were, I spent a lot of time being looked after by random family members with no regular routine and knew it was not what I wanted for my own child.

I also think your attitude to his girlfriend is very condescending, if you waited till later in life to have children then you were in a much better position financially than a 19 year old not long out of education is going to be, given he isn't a high earner either, how was she ever going to be able to get the kind of job that would allow them to pay for childcare. She is working, she is bringing up your granddaughter.

There are skilled manual jobs and unskilled. Middle aged people I have met in unskilled manual jobs are not happy. I've done plenty of factory line work. The middle aged women there told me to get an education and not end up like them. My mum ended up on a factory line in mid life and hated it. These jobs can be very painful too. I have had searing pain in my arms from doing the same movement over and over again for a day's factory shift. A middle aged labourer told my young son to work hard at school and not end up like him. Another middle aged guy had managed to get out of manual work and had a hip replacements to show for it - the hard work had worn his body down. Another was exhausted by his job saying ' its a young man's game' and desperate to get out but had no idea what else he could do.

It seems to me the rose tinted glasses are not realising that a lot of jobs may be essential but it doesn't mean that even many of the people working in them see them as anything other than bloody crap.

I didn’t call him a sexist pig. I said he had sexist beliefs. Please quote me accurately.

And please show me where I have said he won’t allow his partner to work.

Thank you.

You sound conflicted, by the fact your sons' ife choices are different to your expectations.

Accept him as he is and he is happy, an academic life would not make him happy hence he could not wait to leave education, which you confirmed in your post. He would be a shell of the person he is now.

Stop comparing him to others.

His life choices are his choice and you sound disappointed, almost let down by your son, I feel this is a massive shame and hope one day he wil have a mother who appreciates the amazing things he has already achieved in his life.

YABU, you sound like a massive snob and pushy parent. He’s happy, supporting his family: my only concern would be that his girlfriend is financially vulnerable by not working whilst not being married.

Doesn't look like being married would be any protection here. It doesn't sound like they have any assets she could benefit from on divorce.

I’m not making up context and background. I’m pointing out that OP hasn’t provided any in relation to that comment. As you rightly say, all we have to go on is what people tell us. And in relation to what OP’s told us about how it was said, there is nothing. Show me where I’ve ‘invented’ a back story - all I said was that he may have been supporting his partners’ decision in some way.

It's not snobby to realise that some paths are harder than others. Some of the factories round here pay well- certainly more than an early career stage teacher. It's a long time since i worked in a factory, but my dad did pretty much all his life and Dh has done stints of factory work when out of a job. The work was physically hard, but not mentally taxing.

However, op is saying that her son is doing poorly paid manual work, whilst trying to raise a family. There's another thread currently where people are saying they won't be having children until they can afford to give a them a certain standard of living. I suspect part of op's issues is bewilderment that her son would choose to have a harder life and to put himself in a position where he will struggle for money.

I know money isn't supposed to = happiness, but I'm much happier as a well paid adult than I was as the child of poor parents.

@Beeranddresses

It seems to me the rose tinted glasses are not realising that a lot of jobs may be essential but it doesn't mean that even many of the people working in them see them as anything other than bloody crap.

Exactly. There’s a huge difference between “looking down on” people who do manual work and recognising that jobs like this have limitations:

They are fine for a healthy, strong 20 something man, not so much fun for a middle aged man. They rarely offer scope to increase your pay over the long term. Irs hard to save significant money to buy your own home or for a pension. It’s a hard life and with diminishing returns over time and the risk of health problems is much greater than with less physically demanding jobs. There are many pluses obviously and if he ends up becoming his own boss he could build a good life.

But it’s risky. As a parent I can totally understand why you would have reservations about your child embarking on this as a life plan.