To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

He sounds lovely ❤️ I had my first child at 19, second at 21. They are now 16 and 17 and we have a 7 year old now too. I did a degree while my older two were small but I haven’t used it, I work in a pre-school. Me and their dad are still happy together. Life is good.

I had sweet FA at 21, as did most of my friends. Now in our 40s we are all home owners with well paid jobs.

Low ambition Britain right there folks, Jesus no wonder we're screwed.

You could genuinely make a four Yorkshiremen sketch regarding this ludicrous amount of low ambition.

"Be thankful he's not in prison, be thankful he is in prison but not for long, be thankful he is in prison but not on the nonce-wing, be thankful he is in prison but at least it's not for a 10 year stretch, be thankful he's in prison for 10 years but at least it's not life... be thankful he's in prison for life but at least he's not dead.

Be thankful he's doing drugs that are weed not ketamine, be thankful he's doing ketamine not cocaine, Be thankful he's doing cocaine not heroin, be thankful he's doing heroin and not spice and so on and so forth- Be thankful he's doing spice but at least he's still alive"

Well I didn't say any of that!! No clichéd narrative. I just provided the OP with an example of how what she is wishing for her son might not necessarily make him happy. It is a simple truth.

Her son is a grown adult - he is happy with his choices - he is living a decent life. She should be proud of him.

Your son sounds like a hardworking young man who wants to have and provide for his own family. I’d be extremely proud of my sons if they showed such maturity and work ethic.
Not everything is about academia. Life is so much more. For some, family is ALL. be proud of the man he is.

For context I’m university educated with a masters degree, and I have never really utilised my skills. If he’s in a jib he feels he does well and enjoys and feels the satisfaction of family life, I really can’t think of what more you’d want for him. He has won the lottery.

The OP also said his partner has no desire to work, so maybe he is supporting her point of view.

Education is not for everyone. And on a plus side he won't have a huge amount of debt from going to university.
You sound like a snob . You should be proud of who he is and not who you want him to be .

You don’t know that though. He may also be defending HER choice but not wanting to say that to his mum who he knows deep down doesn’t approve of his life choices so instead of doing the more toxic thing and saying she doesn’t want to work and wants him to support her so she can be a SAHM, he’s just saying it’s his choice.

You missed the crucial beginning: 'He is happy'.

That's not 'low ambition'.

The OP didn’t say that at all. She said his partner didn’t seem to have a desire to work. All OP said was that he said a mother should be with her children. She didn’t give the context - it could have been in reply to being asked why the partner didn’t work and he was supporting her in the choice she’s made. And it’s not just words, it’s actions too - a second job to support her decision not to work. But no. Not on MN. The inference is that she’s mindlessly going along with him being sexist and imposing his will.

you can be single and childless and perfectly happy.

the difference is that the long term prospects are better because they won't be in that situation in 10 years, whereas the OP's son will still be in theirs.

@CharlotteRumpling

At 21 everyone is happy to live on love and fresh air..At 31 with 2 or more kids? And 41 with teens

Exactly.

All I want my kids to do is be happy. He's happy. You've raised a hard working, responsible and caring son who has a roof over his head and a family of his own whom he clearly loves and has strong feelings about how he wants them to be raised. Money isn't everything. You should be very very proud of him.

DD is an A* kind of student and is off to uni soon. DS is younger. He's clever but not in an exam/essay writing kind of way. He'd be miserable going to uni so I've made it clear that just because I'm proud of DD, I won't be not proud of him doing things differently.

I've got two degrees and my parents couldn't be more disappointed in me if they tried. It's very damaging. Even now, in my 40s with my own happy life, their voices are damaging.

Incidentally, I once was a nurse and nursed lots of dying people. It was very rare that they told me about their qualifications or the size of their house. They all wanted to talk about their wives and children/grandchildren.

It’s not your life.
You are being snooty and judgemental.

If I had any concerns it is that his girlfriend might be the driver for having another child because this will enable her not to work for a longer period of time ratherthan them both wanting another child.
I'm also another one that thinks they should get married for her security.

If he is happy and managing his day to day life well then you should leave him to it but at the same time I can understand your concerns for his longterm future.

There's nothing wrong with manual work or not being academic. The only thing I would do OP is encourage him to apply for a trade. At least that will give him and his family some security going forward.

He said he thinks a mother should be at home with the children. He could have said ‘I think a parent should be at home with the children’ ( I have a friend and her and her husband decided one of them would be at home with the kids, and whoever got a job first, the other would stay at home. She did, so her H became the SAHP). He could have said ‘ she’d prefer to stay at home and I’m happy to support that choice’

’i think a mother should stay at home with the children’ is a very specific sentence with a very specific meaning. There isn’t really any getting away from that.

His partner may be very happy with that. She is still in a very vulnerable position. Like all SAHMs, it’s a gamble. If it pays off, its a great life. But if it doesn’t, all the risk has fallen on the mother. It’s not the earning man who is taking the risk.

’i think a mother should stay at home with the children’ is a very specific sentence with a very specific meaning. There isn’t really any getting away from that.

Exactly. It’s not a comment specific to the needs of his partner. It’s a sexist statement of his beliefs.

If he senses OP's feelings of disappointment and embarrassment in his little family, he may be winding her up with this sexist comment!

The Op also said the partner has no desire to work but posters,are ignoring that bit so they can twist the narrative from hardworking partner providing for his family to sexist controlling partner who refuses to allow his partner to work typical mimsnet.

Are you missing the bit where the partner has no desire to work?

Can you honestly not see the difference? He isn’t just saying he will support his partner not to work. He is saying ‘a mother’ *should’ be at home.