To be slightly disappointed in how my son's life has turned out

[JemimaPuddleduck7]

My DS is 21 and whilst I know none of us can predict our child's future, his life really hasn't turned out anything like I had imagined. Our family is very academic/high achieving and tbh, it came as a big surprise to me when my son struggled educationally. He hated every second of it and just about managed his exams. He had no desire to go to university and left school as soon as he could and went in to low paid manual work. I will add, he is very hard working, reliable and has made good friends at his job and seems to enjoy it. At 19 he announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (together since 14) and they were over the moon. I won't lie, DH and I were disappointed. They were/are so young and I still hoped DS would go on to study or at least get a better job. He was still living with us at the time, although to his defence, he pulled his socks up straight away and managed to get them a property through a HA which they've made look lovely, and also took on a second job. Our beautiful granddaughter is now a toddler and he informed us today they are now thinking of trying for a second baby. DS still has no plans to study or get a better job and they live paycheck to paycheck, which he says he doesn't mind as "they get by". His girlfriend doesn't work and has no desire to and he supports this as he says a mother should be at home for their child. This is so wildly different to his own upbringing that I struggle to understand how they don't want more for my granddaughter, financial security, holidays, clubs in the future etc. I've never admitted this out loud but I also feel slightly embarrassed when my friends are talking about their own children's lives in university, starting out in their careers etc. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do I keep gently encouraging or butt out. I love my son and grandchild dearly and just want the best for them.

I’m just wondering what his own upbringing was like in terms of parental involvement vs parental careers.

We all want what is best for our children, and strive to provide that - however I just wonder whether the upbringing you gave him and believed was the best (and that you’re concerned he’s not modelling) is seen differently from his perspective.

That isn’t to say at all that you were a poor parent or that he thinks you were, but perhaps the choices you made were not ones he would have made.

My mum had a really dreadful upbringing. She wanted to be at home with me and to be very present. She didn’t work, she was very present. However this made her very vulnerable to my dad’s controlling emotional
abuse. My childhood was about her (and my dad in his own way) giving me the upbringing they felt was best. As an adult, I firmly disagree and do the opposite for my children. I work very hard and am very independent despite being both happily married and having a very high earning husband. My parents absolutely cannot understand why I would work when I don’t need to, or at least work less.

However, my children may see things differently and want to be a stay at home parent because they might just feel they’d have preferred that (neither has ever suggested they’re unhappy but knowing how my feelings on how I was parented evolved as I had my own children, who knows?).

I guess that’s a very long winded way of saying he might want her to stay at home (assuming she also wants to) because he feels his upbringing isn’t one he wants to emulate for his own children. We learn a lot from our own experiences, both good and bad. The life you want for him may just not be the life he wants for himself.

Carpenters, plumbers, electricians, bricklayers - 'manual workers' of any kind can earn a great living these days as these skills are in short supply. I'd be over the moon of one of my sons decided to get in to this line of work as I know he'd never be out of a job. I work with a lot of uni graduates: some of them can barely read and write properly. Unless you are going in to a field like law or medicine or engineering - I don't think degrees are worth a whole lot and it's better to get out and start earning than get yourself in to debt. He's in a long term stable relationship. He's a good dad. Sounds like he is living a good life, you should be proud of him.

Also I think people are making way too much of him saying he doesn’t want her to work, unless there’s actually a situation where she wants to and he is pushing these views.

My husband’s dream was for me to not have to work. He just wanted me to be able to have a lovely life without work stress and to provide for us. He achieved this, but I still work. He doesn’t actually whether I work or don’t, he just wants me to be happy - he just wanted it to be a choice for me.

My dad, on the other hand, ensured my mum could NOT work once I was born and his motivation was 100% control. I hate him for it.

People are all different. Nothing the OP has said paints her son as anything other than a lovely, kind and caring person. There may be a backstory but there doesn’t have to be.

The highest earning people I personally know didn't go to university. I went to university and I don't think it's made much of a difference for my work life or earning potential. In fact my first boss said he didn't care if people have a degree or not. All university has done is mean I pay x amount out of my pay check every month repaying a debt that is actually higher now than it was when I left uni (due to interest).

@AffIt wow, what an awful post.

As I said upthread, DH has a degree and PhD from Cambridge. I have a Masters. We are very proud of our DS who trained and now works as a motor mechanic. He is really happy with his career choice and so are we. How dare you suggest otherwise.

I'm also bloody grateful that not everyone has your attitude. Otherwise we wouldn't have any trades people - no electricians, hairdressers, plumbers, nursery workers etc.

DS's best friend went to uni, left with £50k of debt and now has a minimum wage job. He regrets not getting a trade. Not everything is about uni.

Jesus Christ, your son is happy, hardworking, reliable, has a lovely family that he is dedicated to/ provides for, and you are disappointed in how his life has turned out? What is wrong with you?

But you do know that the stats show your personal experience isn’t typical?

salary levels aren’t the be all and end all of course - but the cold hard data shows that people who have a third level qualification do tend to earn more. There will of course be individual exceptions to this - but you can’t argue with the statistics

At the age of 29, men who attend HE tend to earn 25% more than those with 5 GCSEs (A* to C grades) but who did not go to university. For women, attending HE is associated with 50% higher earnings.

@JemimaPuddleduck7 I think you're lucky to have a happy son. He's a hard worker and loves his little family. In my opinion that's far more important than unhappily trying to achieve what you deem to be successful.

Society has created a narrative whereby we must work hard and earn lots so we can consume lots.

What's so wonderful about that?

Of course, education is important, but if he wasn't academic, he wasn't academic. It sounds like he has plenty of other strengths.

If my child is content and has a family they love, that's all I want for them.

he says a mother should be at home for their child.

This isn’t about giving his partner choice. It is him stating his sexist views on who should be looking after the child.

It is not about consuming lots. It is about paying essential bills and buying food.

I understand your feelings OP. I've been there myself. It's a learning curve for you though and it's important to question your own ideas and assumptions. You might find you have some personal development doing that because we can learn a lot from our children.
Your DS sounds lovely. He's a hard worker, he has plans for the present/future and he's a good Dad. Most importantly, if he's really happy surely that's the whole point?
You sound like a lovely, supportive parent and grandparent while you're getting your head and heart round your difficult feelings. All the best to you.

This.

I think you should be very proud of him! I understand that he is very young to have started a family but he has plenty of time to work his way into better paid work. He sounds like he has created stability for his family and many people don’t have that at the moment.

He is happy and is not in prison or going drugs. Be thankful for the small things.

That’s a low bar surely?!

I would feel awful if DH was doing two jobs and I was earning nothing.

Based on this one concern she has? Do you normally make sweeping judgments based on limited information, or are you capable of more nuanced thinking in real life?

Jesus is that really the best the OP can aspire to?

You're telling me your son is happy, healthy, works hard and has a great family.

Yes, YABU.

I expect OP has left.

Incredibly low bar on this thread If your son isn't an addict or in prison,parents should be happy.

I will always have a higher bar; and will advise my DC to not have kids they can't afford, whatever they do.I find MN really odd with this puppies and rainbows outlook. Ditto with the " all manual workers are super hapoy".

I skipped most of your post to the part where you said DS was happy. That’s all that matters. Money and career doesn’t bring happiness.

NRTFT

I think yabu on two counts.

1. if he has turned out to be a decent person and is happy then that is the most important thing.
2. This isn’t how his life has turned out…. He’s only 21! His life is just starting. Who knows what will happen in the future. He may (or may not) decide to study later in life. They may save and buy a house. His gf may start a career once the kids are older.

At 21 everyone is happy to live on love and fresh air..At 31 with 2 or more kids? And 41 with teens?